There's no place like home

Being home is quite a blessing.

I miss our friends back in Hong Kong but I do not miss slow elevators, apartment living, or pollution. I do miss walking to places vs. all the driving it takes to do things… It is lovely to be back in our old home after three years away. Quite a relief to have our dog home with us happy and healthy. Being able to go visit my family members or simply call them on the phone is beautiful.

We’re adjusting to life well enough here in Oregon. I love the temperature, feels pretty darn good to have a cool breeze. Getting together with friends and former colleagues is special too.

We now have some furniture and I got pictures up all over, so it feels more like a home now. Cannot believe how many books we’ve saved, I’ve unpacked them and am taking my time with various projects before I enjoy organizing them all.

I’m excited to have a job in my old school district, this time with a heavier focus on technology which is just fine, looking forward to having a new work home to settle in. Waiting on a few boxes to arrive from Hong Kong and organized another workbox at home to bring in… Not much since I cleared out and scanned everything that was important to me three years ago.

Today I went to my new oncologist. There is no miracle cure. There is no real solution presently for me- especially since I have metastatic cervical cancer; there are no trials presently for this cancer. I told my oncologist that I was frustrated to not find any people that have my cancer/stage to follow and learn about trials from and he said that’s because they are dead… Honesty. I’ll take it, I guess. He also said that if I did nothing, my tumors are in places that could grow for the next year and I could have around a year or so of life without any treatment… hmm. Abysmal but at least we have thoughts on things…

The oncologist said that he’d refer me to three specialists- cardio-thoracic surgeon to see about removing the lymph node up behind my lung on my back- my oncologist liked the idea of at least getting a sample of the lymph node for genetic testing… (I immediately thought about my nightmare experience with the needle sticking out of my side with the biopsy on my lung a year ago- in and out of the CT scanner with that needle sticking out- hold your breath, don’t breath, ok, now breathe… ech. But I know this is a very different area to biopsy/operate on… nerve wracking anyway…)

He wants me to meet with a radiation oncologist to see if it is even feasible to radiate the lymph node – if this lymph node is anywhere close to the other radiated area, can’t do it, shall see.

And also I will be sent to another doctor who is facilitating medical trials on immunotherapy. All the immunotherapy drugs presently on the market are more for others like breast cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer patients, not at all cervical cancer, so there’s a long shot for finding anything that might fit me. Shall see. I’m good with trying to find that long shot. My oncologist wasn’t certain what might be going on with my other tumor on the adrenal gland. He’s not as concerned with that tumor as he is the lymph node in my chest cavity since that lymph node can cause more problems quicker.

I need to research on immunotherapy options myself as well. My oncologist said that he’ll do his research and try to find as many options and possibilities for me. He said, “I can tell, you are the type of person who wants to explore every option. You won’t be happy unless you feel like you’ve left no stone unturned.” Very true. I explore, I research, I care.

So… here I am. Home. Adjusting. Appreciating life. Not adventuring much yet. More just enjoying the day-to-day life experience. Not quite relaxing yet but I’ll get there. Organizing is one of my specialties, so I’m enjoying the energy and stamina I have to complete projects. I love being able to do things right the first time if possible. Getting things sorted so that we can locate and enjoy them later is a beautiful thing… Happy to have a little time to do so. Now, also want to make more time to read again, books are beckoning and the public library is just a hop up the street. We don’t really have internet for another week, but finding ways around that presently but can't upload any pictures to accompany this post... I'll be flexible...

Thanks as always for journeying with me.

Only 2 more

Getting thru the days. Enjoyed visiting an Indian Food restaurant, delicious place. My husband said, "Wow, I'd get this takeout food every day if I could get you to eat this much at every meal." Nice to have an appetite and like food... PLUS we ordered take-out the next day from the same place, y-u-m. Yes, I'm addicted and my husband is ever so supportive...
I'm quite happy that I'm looking at final two treatment days. Pretty exhausted. Painful to deal with treatment but I'm grateful to not be burned on the skin this time. I think the main thing bringing me down right now is the shoulder and neck pain I've had since the first day of treatment. Putting that right arm over my head has exacerbated the pain... not certain how to handle it.
Normally I'd put ice on a pained area or a heat pack but I recently sat through a presentation about lymphedema and one of the recommendations was that I avoid a sauna, hot tub, or anything that makes my skin pink... also I'm supposed to avoid having anything freezing on my skin. That makes things quite limiting.
I learned also about how lymphedema occurring in different quadrants based on how the lymph nodes work... Unfortunately, I've had lymph nodes compromised in 3 areas of my body. With the cervical cancer, they harvested lymph nodes. With the breast cancer, they harvested lymph nodes under my right arm- go figure, it is my right shoulder that's in pain... With the metastatic cervical cancer, they removed a portion of my lymph nodes near my heart, those are the ones that are getting radiated presently. Think I should see a specialist to check on my lymph nodes, learn if I need compression sleeve, etc. Shall be chatting with my oncologist about this on Saturday when I see him next. Quite disconcerting but good to be aware I suppose.
Now to finish my long countdown from 30 to 0. Will be really happy to get there finally.
My husband snuck this picture of me when I was snuggling with our dog today. I'm pretty darn fatigued lately... My hair is growing in quite nice but I know it could all go away with those last two chemo treatments, sigh. Shall see. Personally the thing that stands out to me is my eyelashes since they are mostly returned now... I somewhat almost can see myself and see a healthy person again...
Thanks for journeying with me, really grateful...

Immunotherapy and Changes

Looking forward to our family trip to the Philippines, countdown, less than two weeks. I know I've mentioned it before but I'm so grateful that we're living in Hong Kong where amazing, beautiful places in Asia are at our fingertips at a reasonable price. We are going to meet some good friends when we get to the Philippines and hope to see whale sharks while we are there... and possibly other adventures. I'll take things day by day and not push myself, happy for my son and husband to have the adventures and for me to live vicariously.
Mentally readying myself for treatment this Friday morning, happy my son's birthday is Saturday (and that I'm able to shift chemo to Friday so I can focus on my son), and excited about the possibility of returning to work soon- very carefully. I miss that purposeful time getting up in the morning, talking with students, teaching, managing the library and more. I always feel like a useful person, don't get me wrong, but actual work makes me quite fulfilled. Will continue to take things one day at a time, stay positive, and enjoy life...
I've missed art a little bit lately, so reprioritizing that so that I keep up that the outlet. Enjoying reading still but there are many books I didn't get to during this time... not much of a surprise, my "to read" pile is always growing. I've noticed that the day or two after chemo my brain cannot concentrate on reading books too well. So, audiobooks sometimes work, and sometimes tv shows are the way to go... riding the waves and keeping my brain working the best I can.

A few friends and family have mentioned I need to look into immunotherapy for treatment. It is a hopeful, promising practice.
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/billionaire-doctor-fights-cancer-in-unconventional-way/
Forbes article:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/matthewherper/2014/12/07/here-is-what-60-minutes-didnt-tell-you-about-the-billionaire-who-is-trying-to-disrupt-cancer-care/?&_suid=14181084332750052996140671893954

From a hospital website: Examples of immunotherapy drugs include interferon, IL-2 and Ipilimumab, which can be used for treating melanoma; Herceptin which can be used for some breast cancers; Erbitux, Vectibix, and Avastin which can be used to treat colo-rectal cancers and others. There are many types of immunotherapies that work by a variety of mechanisms.

I'm already on Avastin as part of my chemo regimine, so I'm already receiving one immunotherapy drug- two doses left in the next round of four. http://www.avastin.com/patient - this is the drug that has that nosebleed side effect I've commented about before. I'm quite grateful that my oncologist prescribed this as part of my regimine.
Shall see what my oncologist believes is the best course of action for long term drug treatment after I'm finished with this round of chemo and radiation treatment. I have many thoughts on this to be honest and working to stay positive. Already on Tamoxifen for deterring breast cancer from returning...

Thank you for all the support - friends and family, so grateful. 

Results plus Thoughts Randomly Coming

The PET scan results were in, never thought another round of chemotherapy could be promising results but they are. They certainly are. I worked to redirect my thoughts when they went negative, worried about random pains in my body and redirected to positive every time I caught myself. It is challenging but I do think the more positive I can be, the better. Speaking of which, sometimes being around my oncologist, who I thoroughly respect, is not so positive, at all. Here's a few things that have come from him recently and in the past:
Here's another list-  Top 5 Things I Don't Want to Hear From My Oncologist:
5.  "There is a real chance the cancer could come back elsewhere, this is a long shot for being curative." - December, 2014
4. "After radiation, we will need to look at long term medication." - December, 2014
3. "There's likely to only be a 40 % of chance of success with chemotherapy." - September, 2014
2. "The results are not good, look your lymph nodes are lit up." - August, 2014
1. "You Have Cancer" - September, 2013

So, there's still a tumor on my lymph nodes in my chest near my heart. It is getting smaller. My oncologist insists that it has shrunk due to the chemotherapy, not just when the lung specialist removed a portion of it during my September surgery. There are no other areas in my body lighting up presently from the PET scan which is a good thing, a very good thing. Damn the lymph nodes, but I'm here. I have to have four more chemo treatments, two before the holiday and two after the holiday. (But I get to go have fun with family and friends and turn off the cancer mindset for a little while, hallelujah.) But I will get those chemo treatments done and then have a few weeks break and begin radiation treatment to hit those lymph nodes.

Things my oncologist said to me over the course of this year + were promising for the first two cancers, but there was a major shift when I had the metastatic diagnosis. That hasn't been so wonderful. I'm going to stay positive. My husband is not thrilled that I still have so much tumor lighting up on my lymph nodes, I agree with him, it sucks. It is disappointing. Damn cancer. But there is progress, slow but there. And I'll take progress. I'll also be happy to be done with chemo in 5 more weeks. Today's treatment was just fine. Normal one dose day with a visit and lunch from a special close friend. Was grateful. I also had many hours on my own with the kiddo tonight which I adored. We had fun planning out our evening and spending time together. Hooray for my husband getting a little time away from home to do things.

So the before is below in blue and the after is above in blue. Must it be blue?
My favorite color? Meh. You can see measuring info and such...
So, lymph node tumor right next to my heart, shrinking. I get a whole fancy binder with each PET scan.
Not the kind of book gift I want, but I'm collecting them nonetheless.
This is just one page of many many many analyzing my body scan. 

Random Thought Time:
Oh the vanity... Fully admit, working to stay positive about life... but sometimes vanity rolls thru a little.
How many of you have created odd situations in your mind and then acted them out? I've been concerned about my lack of hair and using my passport. Should I wear a wig on the airplane so that I don't need to worry about people questioning me? Would people question me?
I've thought about this to the point that I am imagining being up at the passport/visa entrance area and am asked to take off my head covering... drama drama drama. Who cares what I look like? I guess I do since I'm thinking about it. After thinking about it for a while, I chuckled to myself. I live in Asia. There are many many people who wear head coverings here. I don't believe that my little head covering is going to be an issue.
*Missing my hair. Looking at my scalp and sighing that it will be a while before hair recovers from the chemo and begins to grow in. The little bits here and there that didn't fall out have randomly started growing out, it is odd, a little curly. Shall see...

Burned my hand today a little bit in the afternoon, spilled hot soup on it. I used cold water and then my helper brought me a miracle medicine, Oronine Ointment, that helped after two applications. So relieved. Really annoyed by my klutzy actions lately. Knew the bowl was too hot so of course I picked it up a second time. Sigh. Slow down Debbie.

Actually had a pretty darn unpleasant bloody nose two days ago, will be glad to be free of medicine that has that side effect.... also noticed that one of my fingernails is now looking really unhealthy with brown above the white of the nail. Hmm. Some have mentioned that they lost their nails because of chemo side effects. Hmm. Shall see. Husband told me to put nail polish on it so that I don't worry... not exactly helpful but I get what he's saying.
I'm not so thrilled with my skin breakout on my face either. It is certainly different than the others I've dealt with in the past. My oncologist said that it is a normal cumulative effect of chemotherapy, didn't recommend anything. The nurse I talked with told me that it is worse for so many others... she shared with me a few sad stories about other patients that I really could have lived without hearing... So I suppose I'm lucky, sort of.
Oh vanity...

Read a study from a friend in the US who has a family member also dealing with cancer, found the article hopeful, will share with my oncologist next week. About new treatments helping metastatic cancer patients:
http://www.medpagetoday.com/MeetingCoverage/AACR/32048
Had enough to ask my oncologist this week, here was my list:
-PET scan results
-Nail
-Nose
-Face breakout
-Muscle pull (pulled in yoga yesterday, odd, feeling a little better though)
-Nausea medicine
-Plan for radiation treatment scheduling

He seems to have a limit after a certain amount of minutes talking together, I respect his focus and concentration as we meet and just keep writing my lists. He doesn't get annoyed with my questions

Thanks for journeying as always...  Grateful for progress this time... Bearing up for 4 more doses.

Many Hmmms but happy moments too

Happy day, visited favorite used bookstore yesterday.
Called- Flow Books- learned that it is closing/moving soon.
Hong Kong friends, get over there now!
Such a nice owner, hope he finds a new place to move to!
One of my new hats with an old scarf and a cute blue clip...
Thanks Mom!

It is incredible what a few days extra of recovery provide a body. Unfortunately, my stamina isn't completely there... I can still last for 3-4 hours but find myself getting pretty tired after that if I'm walking around. I haven't hit 10,000 steps again, my friend Sheli has each day though... we're wandering around Hong Kong between appointments and such.
Today provided us with a relaxed morning and an adventure out to Central for me to finally take the Satyananda yoga class that is provided through CancerLink. I really appreciated every minute of the class. The instructor was patient, knowledgeable, had a good sense of humor and introduced the yoga style in an easy fashion. I found that my range of motion isn't what it used to be. Five scars on my right side certainly have impacted me but I've healed a lot in the past months, the pain has resided so much. Giving myself time to heal and being patient, as much as I can...
I've talked with doctors and more than one mentioned that chemotherapy brings back up radiation treatment reactions, yep. At least it doesn't burn but the area where I had radiation in May certainly isn't happy skin. The scalp isn't quite healed but I've completed the antibiotics. #6 of 12 chemo treatments is tomorrow. It is a one drug day... not fun but quicker.
Saw my acupuncturist yesterday, appreciate his perspective... he lectured me on how to cook the eggs I'm eating and encouraged me to eat two a day. He also has been helping me focus on letting go of worries, etc during treatment, that's pretty wonderful and helpful...
Was chatting with Sheli today about my hair as I've noticed it growing out a tiny bit. Am wondering how much will be there by #12, hair still is falling out constantly but not sure... Also curious to see the state of my eyebrows and eyelashes by then, my oncologist thinks that they won't fall out. Hmm. Taking it day by day.
Sorted out my daily supplements and medicine today and there are a lot. I chatted with Sheli about how it would be nice to figure out how to cut back on them somehow... but I just keep adding. Hmm.
Was bit 8 times the other day by mosquitoes- even though I did put on bug repellant, hmm. Glaring at insects doesn't really work folks... but I have noticed that my coconut oil/slippery elm bark mix really does help my skin calm down and mostly heal! Happy that I tried it out... not quite perfect but darn lot better than it could be!

*Received the most thoughtful video created and made by my former school's staff from Ridgewood Elementary. So, so touched. At first I couldn't believe they did it all for me... but they did. They created a lip-sync sing along video with different grade level teams competing against one another... for me to choose a winner (impossible) to show their love and make me laugh... and laugh (and cry) I did. So touched. So grateful. I want to share it here but it is unlisted and I know there could be some copyright issues and I want to keep rewatching it in the future! Thank you to my Ridgewood friends... so grateful, feeling loved on this end...

Thanks for keeping up with the journey... really appreciate all the support through this time... can't believe I'm already on week 6 of chemo...

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do. 

Post Surgery The Good, The Not Great and the Breathing...

Well.
It happened.
My surgeon came to my husband and I post surgery to talk about the results.
There's good. There's not great. There's hope.
He showed me a picture of my lower right lobe lung and pointed out the cancer. Also the lymph node that he took out. Both were sitting on a sterile tray. The lung looked happy/red/pink and the cancer area looked like a bright blob of yellow. Disconcerting that my body does this to itself.

So.
Surgery.
What a waiting game!
We headed up to the surgery but when we got set up, the anesthesiologist wasn't there, he was stuck in traffic. Now, I get really sensitive on the ride up to surgery. I get stressed. Tears threaten to spill. I try to joke and refocus. So when the lovely nurse came to tell me about the delay she patted my arm. I flatly told her that she was going to make me cry if she continued to be kind and that I'd be better if we simply talked. So we did. For 20 minutes while the anesthesiologist showed up and set up the iv and more. It was the best thing to simply have a distracting conversation. Thank goodness she listened. And talked. Quite grateful.
She was shocked that it was the third time for me to be in that operating room in less than a year's time. I'm a little shocked still as well.

I was surprised at the pain when I woke up. It wasn't where it belonged. It was sharp pain in my neck and shoulder. It hasn't completely gone away yet. It was something where a past shoulder problem happened again when my arm was above my head for 2.5 hours during surgery.

They gave me ice and a physiotherapist came today and iced again and gave me a soft massage. She also gave me a new breathing toy that I'm not so fond of yet. Maybe later I'll successfully inhale air strong enough to make my surgeon happy. Shall see. For now, it is slightly painful to breathe deeply. I have a drain in my side going to a rectangular box. That drain hurts when I sneeze, cough, or do anything else extreme... Keeping me a little quiet.

The surgeon had good news. and not so good news. Here it goes:
He completely removed the main tumor site in my lung. He also removed a lot of my lymph nodes near my esophagus but many were stuck on the esophagus and he was careful to not cut there too much since it could create many other problems. So there are probably some cancer cells in me still. But I'm not done fighting.

I talked with my oncologist today and he explained to my husband and I that this type of cancer is rare (yeah, thanks body) and at my age it is rare to get as well (again, thanks body for going above and beyond) :) but the cells are extremely sensitive to radiation and that he is certain they will be killed during radiation treatment which will be combined with chemotherapy... when? Undetermined. He hopes to get more biopsy results on Saturday and then by next week start sorting things out.

Me? I'm simply focused on getting stronger after that surgery. Breathing in and making balls move.
Appreciating all the support and love from family and friends.

Came across a Facebook post I wrote a year ago- found it quite ironic considering that weeks later my first diagnosis occurred:
(Seriously, listen to your body when it is screaming at you!)

The Waiting Game

I'm always thrown by how much waiting is involved with all three of these diagnosis. We have the waiting intially for test results, the waiting for a biopsy and getting it, waiting for the results of biopsy, waiting for surgeon appointment, waiting for the followup with oncologist for further analysis of biopsy cells, waiting for breathing test, and now waiting for surgery... and then after surgery waiting for decisions on chemotherapy and radiation treatment.

It is enough to drive me batty.

Which is why I appreciate all the positive supportive comments thru Facebook-email-here, the funny video distractions, the fabulous books I'm reading and listening to, the friend chats, Skypes, and more... so grateful for it all. The best distraction for me though over all that is family. Tonight as I sat in the hospital distracting myself, not really wanting to do those last minute to-do's. I was starting to slump a little. I'd had a breathing test (passed with flying colors), met with my surgeon and oncologist, chatted with the local chaplan, and caught up with nurses who remembered me from other hospital stays. I was honestly a little drained saying the same thing over and over to new people who didn't familiarize themselves with my chart before walking in (everyone). Repeatedly saying: "Yes, lung cancer, right side. Yes, I'm doing ok. Yes, I'm a little angry this time round at having to fight a third battle. Yes, I'm staying strong and positive. No the cancer hasn't spread, this is a third separate diagnosis. Yes, it is scarier this time...."

Talking with the surgeon was good since my husband and I were able to clarify how long the surgery is (I go in around 1:30pm and they expect to wheel me back into the room around 5pm with me being groggy/maybe waiting up for a few minutes after that.) I was able to ask about the pain a little more and the surgeon told me about how there will be a drain put into the bottom incision which has hurt sometimes with other patients because the tube will be pushed in over the ribs where there are many nerves so the drain will make it hurt a little when I caugh, talk too much/loud, sneeze, etc., oh boy. I had a drain before with my first surgery but it wasn't anything in comparison. This sounds more like the pain I had after the lung biopsy 1 1/2 weeks ago... but it is only for 48 hours (hopefully) so I will bear with it and just be grateful to come out of surgery successfully. (knock on wood)
He told me my goal is to sit up the day after surgery. Then the following day walk around this floor of the hospital four times in a row, that would make him really happy. So I went and walked around the circular smallish floor 20 times while listening to a new audiobook. Felt quite healthy to make that time.

Talking with the anesthesiologist wasn't my most fantastic thrill at 9pm... he came right after I got ready for bed and had my night guard in my mouth... It freaked him out a little I think. He talked with me about what would happen tomorrow, where I'd get medicine, how I might feel, where the needle would be placed for the rest of my hospital stay, etc. I pointed out how frustrated I was that the cancer is on the right side so I knew that all treatment would occur in my left hand- chemo, this needle for surgery tomorrow, etc... He told me he'd think on putting the needle in a little further up my arm so that my hand wouldn't be restricted as much... As a left-hander, I appreciate whatever can be done but as a patient I just said, "Whatever you think needs to happen, do it. Please don't change normal practice and what you know is best."

So family time. Since I am stuck at the hospital, I planned out Skyping with my son in the evening for our routine. I wasn't sure what I'd get from him with Skype since it is sometimes hit or miss with his mood with Skype. This time, it was simply wonderful to check in on his day, see a new lego creation he had, and have HIM read to ME... love when we trade off. He read a few pages of a book to me that we've enjoyed recently. I love hearing him read books aloud. It is a treasured time to see what he's thinking as he's reading, etc. I also sing to him every night. He was happy to get his bedtime songs and blow me a kiss goodnight... I don't want him to visit here in the hospital until I'm actually able to talk smoothly (might have that harder time talking after surgery, shall see) so I hope to Skype tomorrow evening when I wake up for a little while, shall see what possibility there is for that.

I look forward to distracting myself from the waiting game with time with my wonderful husband tomorrow who plans on hanging out in the hospital all day to make sure he's here in case there's something scary that happens. (Thank goodness his school colleagues are supportive as much as mine are...) I also look forward to Skyping with family... my very important sister and my wonderful mom and dad...

And so I hope to sleep, wait, Skype, chat, wait, and then go in for surgery.

Surgery and Guardians of the Universe

Over the weekend thoughts:
Warning to parents who are dealing with cancer in anyway, if you want to avoid violence, or if you don't want to expose your child to swearing, look out for this movie. I enjoyed it overall. My kiddo enjoyed it overall. But at the beginning of the movie there was a opening scene with a little boy at the hospital with his mom dying of cancer. (She looked terrible...) My little guy leaned over during a part of the scene where there was a close up on the dying mom and asked "Mommy, will you look like that?" I whispered back, "I don't expect it." Sigh... Hard part of the day but he didn't say anything else and just enjoyed the film.

Waiting is hard. The surgeon postponed the appointment for a day. Glad to get into talk.

We talked for 50 minutes with him.

He was very positive and confident.

I walked away feeling ok. Not thrilled of course with any of this but ok. 

So, here's the deal... I have a mass- infiltration by lymphoepithelioma-like carcinoma in my right lower lung. It is non-small cell lung cancer.

I also have a growth on my lymph nodes.

He believes he can operate and remove both.

He would cut on my right side in three places- one for the surgery, one for removal of lobe of lung and lymph nodes, and one for camera.

I would have a video assistant thoracoscopic surgery.

He would remove my complete right lower lobe of my lung- there are 3 parts to the lung. He would also take out all the lymphatic and adjacent lymph nodes. 

The day before the surgery I would need to check in during daytime hours and do a lung function objective test. It would be at the hospital where I've had most of the other operations and radiation treatment. 

I would be checked in and need to spend the night at the hospital and then the next day would be the operation.

The risks: 

There are risks since this is a major operation and invasive.

1. I could get a wound infection.

2. I could get pneumonia or some other type of chest infection.

3. I could have bleeding since he is cutting through many blood vessels to remove the lobe of the lung.

4. I could have an airleak from the lung recession.

5. I could have lymph node leaks.

I would have pain but it would be under Dr. control with medication.

Recovery time- with my age, he expects me to quickly recover.

The day after the surgery he'd have me sit up.

The day following that he'd want me up and walking around.

He thinks I might even have better lung capacity after a year than I do now with the exercises he'll prescribe afterwards, etc.

He would keep massage devices on my legs for at least two days to avoid deep vein thrombosis in the legs... also they'd be on there during the surgery.

I would need to stay in the hospital for around five days.

I would need around 4 weeks to fully recover.

After 3 weeks, he would expect me to begin chemotherapy. Chemo cycles might be once every 3 weeks for 4 times. Chemo treatment all depends on assessing the removed lung/lymph nodes and after evaluating them, they can classify the stage of cancer I'm at... although my other dr. already said I am at stage 3 since it is in my lymph nodes.

He expects to do the surgery next week mid week- maybe Wed or Thurs.

Breathing a little easier (hah) since I qualify for surgery. Can't believe I'm going thru this again. 

Shall just enjoy the week ahead as much as I can...

Call me Lucky, well, not so much

In some ways I'd classify myself as quite lucky. I am in an incredibly happy marriage with a wonderful, kind, patient husband... I have a son who is hilarious, kind, sensitive, and sweet. I have a loving family who I'm in close touch with. I have fantastic friends. I have a job I love. I'm passionate about so many different subjects and love learning...
I unfortunately have a flaw. My body apparently invites cancer to nestle in. Seriously.
I am a two time cancer survivor. I battled cervical cancer in November '13 and breast cancer in March '14. Yes, within less than a year's time my incredible doctor on a followup appointment found a tiny lump. Both cancers were stage 1. Both cancer treatments included operations and radiation. So yes, a survivor. I wrote other posts about some of my experiences with the operations and radiation...
But then my doctor and I wanted confirmation that treatment was successful. So in August '14, I went for a PET scan, that's where they inject you with glucose mixed with radiation and it goes thru your body and lights up areas that might have cancer. So, I waited a week. Results came back in a bound notebook packed with colorful pictures and even an accompanying disc.
And I heard what I didn't want to hear. I was waiting for, you strong person, you beat the odds, you're clear. Instead I heard, "Oh no, something is going on with your lymph nodes. And look here, your lung is lit up here and here."
I put my head down on my doctor's desk, heart plummeting. I'd tried to be so positive...
The next day I went in for a lung biopsy. That is one stinking scary test. Scarier than CT, MRI, PET scan, radiation treatment, and a needle biopsy for my breast cancer, which I also had...
For a lung biopsy, you're laid down on a CT machine and told to hold still, for 45 minutes. Not only that, you're in and out of the CT machine with someone sticking a long needle into your side and then scanning to make sure the needle was in the right place, then another really long needle is inserted into the other needle and punched into your lung for little miniscule pieces to pull out. Of course you need to hold your breath, breathe carefully, and more as this happens. After that occurs you have to stay still for four hours in case your lung collapses or you bleed too much. I was a very good patient with no complications... Doctors usually do like me...
Two days later, today, my wonderful husband and I went to the appointment that revealed biopsy results. Upsetting results. Somehow, for the third time, I have another type of cancer. Lung cancer. It hasn't spread from one place to another, it is just another cancer. This time, unfortunately, it isn't Stage 1, it is Stage 3 because there is a growth not only on my lung but also on my lymph nodes near my heart...
Tonight we had the conversation I never wanted to have with my son. In the past we were able to talk with our son about how I had bad stuff in me that needed to be cut out. This time I blatently had to tell him about the cancer. What happened in the past, what was successful... and what we have to do in the future with the new lung cancer treatments (possible operation, chemotherapy, and radiation). My son's reactions were: "Mommy, I like your hair, I don't want you to lose it." "What do I tell people at school?" "What if I'm put on the spot with questions about you?" ""Am I allowed to use the word cancer?" My response about the hair was, "I love my hair too but I love you more and I want to try to be around living with you for a long time." Our response about what to tell others was "Adults might know but if people ask, you can just say that your mom had to have an operation and she's going to take a while to get better." He seems ok but we left the door open for any further questions. His next question was, "Ok mommy, so I heard about that part of the day, tell me about other parts of your day now..." Not just a cancer victim, but a mommy, I love that.
So, on to fight the perilous, exhausting fight again... not fun, not thrilled but don't want to leave this earth anytime soon. Love life too much...

Possibly 3? Am I crazy?

So, it has been months since I blogged. In that time I've experienced the highs and very down lows of recovering from the radical hysterectomy, radiation treatment, diagnosis of breast cancer, lumpectomy, lymph node op, radiation treatment, and then a PET scan many months later.

I was feeling pretty good about life for the past months. I've adjusted my diet, lost weight unintentionally, had some fun travels, visited family and friends over the summer, and was hoping for a clean bill of health.

Again I got the yes, but.

Yes, you're clear of cervical cancer and breast cancer but now we see some growths in your lungs and lymph nodes near your heart.
What the heck?
Have I flipped a switch that said to cancer, "Here I am, have at me!"
What have I done wrong?
I had a clean CT scan of my lungs in November, now, not at all.
Have to have a lung biopsy in the am.

Can't find anything funny about a third possible cancer.
Just disgusted with the situation, grateful to the doctors, grateful to the medical professionals, lab technicians, etc.
So frustrating.
Biopsy on wedding anniversary no less, happy anniversary honey! I thought I'd go all out and really make you appreciate life... not so much so...

Been thinking about books to bring. Not like it is a campout or anything but I must preplan... Will not bring laptop this time but bring iPad, Kindle, and other things...
Quite a let down to have clear scans until...
Lung cancer is quite a bit more scary than breast or cervical cancer in my opinion. I have a feeling if the diagnosis comes thru, I'll have to deal with chemotherapy this time... and possibly radiation again... not looking forward to going back for radiation, hated it the last two times... burns on my skin, internal ache, side effects are there...

Nope, not positive but already ready for a fight... love life...

Survivor Book Inspiration

My Life.... what do I celebrate with?
reading books...
Diagnosis? 2 cancers within 7 months? = wake up call.
What did I do next? (after family, friends, and medical plans?)
Read. (I was on bedrest for four weeks, didn't want to just watch the screen.)
Radical Remission: Surviving Cancer Against All Odds - Kelly A. Turner, Ph. D. - inspiring, packed with fascinating research.

You Need Humour with a Tumour - Reflections on a journey with cancer - Annmarie James Thomas, Flye/Jeremy. - this book broke my heart.

Kicking Cancer in the Kitchen: The Girlfriends Cookbook and Guide to using Real Food to Fight Cancer by Annette Ramke and Kendall Scott - some delicious recipes, inspired stories as well.

The After Cancer Diet - How to life healthier than ever before by Suzanne Boothby - opened my eyes... activated my food/life changes...

Cancer Vixen: A True Story by Marisa Acocella Marchetto - absolutely loved this graphic novel about dealing with breast cancer/treatment.

Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips by Kris Carr - working my way through this book now. Love the clips I've watched from The Oprah Show from Kris Carr, quite the inspiring survivor.

The Silver Lining: A Supportive and Insightful Guide to Breast Cancer by Hollye Jacobs RN MS MSW, Elizabeth Messina - Inspiring blog, such a positive person...

Reading soothes my soul.
I've quietly read these books when I'm a very public reader. Some weeks of the past year were very low on books read in my kidlit world because I was more focused on cancer recovery books...
I've changed my diet, lost a ridiculous amount of weight which worried me, and tried to deal with all the complications of operations and radiation by reading how others dealt... reassuring to not feel alone. Inspired other times by survival stories...

Bravery versus survival with grit

So, say at 40 your body goes to hell, I say, to hell in a handbasket.
Here's my journey from being a sickly one to struggling to rise above.
Often I've heard, "you're so brave..." my response is a respectful smile or thank you or combo of the two. But honestly, I don't think I'm all that. I just deal, try to stay positive, and hope to have a little fun along the way.
Having a doctor say "uh oh" isn't what you want to hear five months after a radical hysterectomy and more and a round of radiation treatment for cervical cancer, but my response of laughing saying "No, you can't find a lump and then choking up with a 'that's not funny' didn't calm me down or stop my doctor from finding a lump, very small mind you, but still cancerous in my right breast.
I'd say I'm ridiculously lucky.
I have a sweet healthy boy, a fantastic, patient husband, a wonderful supportive family, a job I'm passionate about.... loads that helps me pop up in the morning ready for another day.
Cancer? Pray for only radiation. Pray for it to be small. Please no lymph nodes. No chemo? I know I'm incredibly lucky.
What started this?
Good question.
Stress? Perhaps.
Poor diet or food that isn't healthy? Maybe.
Lack of sleep? Highly possible...
Luck? Not sure...
But I'm surviving with grit.

Positives about Radiation List

My Positives about Radiation list- round 2 of radiation, breast cancer treatment this round.
(Ok, they aren't all positive...)
I posted about how I had to have radiation after fighting cervical cancer, 8 months later, I was back in for radiation treatment again/Tomotherapy after having a breast cancer diagnosis, lumpectomy, and lymph node surgery...
Here's what I listed for this round of radiation treatment:

1. I now have 3 tattoos, quite tiny (as a pinhead) but they're tattoos.
2. It isn't chemo.
3. If you want 1:1 attention, fabulous, you sometimes receive 4:1 attention.
4. It isn't chemo.
5. You see a doctor weekly, well, that isn't fun.
6. You're provided with meditation time.
7. You receive special messages about staying still.
8. You're exposed to new clothes when the doctor says "no bra, built in support shirts"
9. You get to see what people do when radiation is on- run quick.
10. You can feel like the bionic woman.
11. You wear a lovely uniform each day.
12. It is short.
13. 16 days can feel like 4 months.
14. You are very aware of your skin.
15. You have a daily appointment each day that has a good strong excuse for leaving work.
16. It isn't chemo.
17. You can focus on keeping positive.
18. You can make new jokes and have a medical audience (in my case Chinese though...)
19. You know there is an end in sight.
20. It is only one way to help yourself.
21. Since v-necks suck with burns, you experience a change in wardrobe, again.
22. Many people pay attention to you, are concerned.
23. Excuse to buy new shirts.
24. Twinges make me more aware of my body as the radiation treatments progress...
25. Food changes = certainly in the right mind set.
26. Discover new restaurants.
27. Discover new grocery stores.
28. Watching healing process- nerves working better, skin not freaking out as much.