I still see me...

I've been thinking about things...
During my quiet times where my body is saying, "No, don't get up yet, you're not ready."
A fleeting thought at one moment this past week was that I felt so frustrated to not be me that I know anymore.
Every once in a while I come across this thought.
I miss my stamina- gotta work on building it up again.
I miss my voice. Sometimes I just can't talk the way I want because I'll go into a coughing fit.
I have learned to accept, adapt and appreciate most of the time.
Then there are other days where I just wonder where am I? Am I still who I was before my cancer diagnosis? How do others see me? I know many many wonderful people have told me I am not just a cancer patient. I am someone who has many interests, passions, and ways I exude energy. Do I still? I feel like sometimes I'm living in the shadow of my past. So. At this time, I had my phone with me and I hunted down a few pictures I liked of myself after we moved to Hong Kong but before my diagnosis. They made me happy. Then I came across that picture I took of myself on a conference day recently... I still see me. I see myself in everything I do. I see myself in my patience I've learned to use more consistently. I see myself in the hope I have for the future. I still see myself in my determined actions and love I share with others. I'm a little wrinkled around the edges some days. Weaker. I need to be careful in ways I never had to before but I'm still me... It was refreshing to have this low moment I could pull myself out of with a little reflection. I did honor the time with a collage of the pictures from before diagnosis and the picture of now. I still see me through all these pictures... I sometimes had low quiet days then too... hunker down and read for the day days... curl up and watch shows and movies with family days, relax on vacation days in the hotel room or in a lounge area...  I love life and appreciate all my memories...

This past week was ok. Saturday was Nivolumab day- was hoping to go to a conference after the infusion but realized it wasn't a good idea... Sunday I got to see a very special friend in the morning and then I rested a lot. Only had work Monday/Tuesday. Was able to work all day Monday but Tuesday was a no-go morning but after a few hours (3) I was able to head in and teach classes and speak for a few seconds at the staff meeting without coughing attacks. (looking into allergy medicine next... shall see if it helps).
Wednesday I woke up shaky... I was really nervous because I was going back to my gastro-enterologist and it was really stressing me out. I went with my parents and son. My dad and kiddo entertained themselves while my mom and I waited a long time for the appointment. I thought there was an infection there, reassured me many times that there wasn't... Hmm. I give the wait to the fact that the doctor cares a lot and takes his time with each person. So when he came into me, he had me lay back after we talked for a few minutes. He started moving my feeding tube. I yelped, cried, asked what he was doing- he was tugging, twisting, and turning the tube. No warning. My mom teared up on the other side of the room. Seeing her tear up made me calm down for some reason... He explained that he was loosening the stoma area. That the clamp that was putting pressure on my abdominal wall and stomach wasn't necessary as much anymore after 5 weeks because there was enough scar tissue there now. After wiping away those tears and giving it a few minutes I could feel a drastic difference. 5 weeks of pain a little more explained. The doctor requested that I start using the plunger in the evenings/when it is harder to feed myself with simple elevation. Then he told me to drink Gatorade thru my feeding tube to get the fluid and electrolytes I need vs. going to get a fluid bag push at the oncologists. He said "less needles is good, right?" I've tried. Finding I'm doing ok. Euch to Gatorade. I miss Pocari Sweat from Hong Kong... a lot. Apparently Uwajimaya has it- shall visit quite soon!

I went directly over to the oncologists though and checked in with the nurse who agreed about the Gatorade and did one bag of fluid... and took yet more blood. My white blood cell count is still up and a puzzle to her. She said I must be just finishing some bug off and need to be patient as I heal.

I was really wiped after two dr appointments and was glad to get home to my husband. He and the kiddo had some fun together after the sweet boy was stuck an entire day from one dr. office after another... even with all my dad's support- no fun... but he did have a "busy bag" filled with books and entertainment...

Love my sister

Thursday I woke up and did my morning feeding routine but could tell it wasn't time to move yet. I pretty much didn't move beyond feeding myself and drinking loads of water til 2pm which was frustrating but I accepted that's where I was at. Eventually I pulled myself together, went with my husband and kiddo and got to go to my sister and brother-in-law's home for Thanksgiving. I found myself really quiet and reserved. Every time I talked I started coughing pretty quick but it was wonderful to be with everyone.
I actually ate a little food (baby bites, slowly) and loved it. Happy day.

Today I've had three beautiful visits- two by Skype to Hong Kong- man I miss those wonderful friends- and one lovely visit at my house... I'm so lucky to be surrounded with love and support here in Oregon. Also, I'm lucky that people watch and pace themselves with visits with me without staying too long, even on Skype. Very grateful.

Thanks as always for journeying with me...

Family shot from Thanksgiving.

Plugging away and getting thru the days

Well. Got thru another week. Had a harder one, perhaps I'm pushing myself too much/expecting too much but I'm not quite feeling great. This is ok for me just making time to rest every day after work but I'm not thrilled with the pressure I feel in my chest and the odd pain I feel in my stomach area. I brought this up with my oncologist today and he said to be patient and that the pain is normal. Hmm. Chatted with him about plans for the next months. He said he actually now would like to skip giving me a PET scan and instead do the last two rounds of chemo first. Hmm. I look forward to seeing him on April 11th to find out more about his plans. I've been asked by insurance/HR people to go back to the local hospital possibly for the last two rounds of chemo treatment as the cost might be much lower. I will respect that request but if I feel that I'm compromising my health, I'll return to my oncologist. Cost is terrible and scary but honestly, I'm not taking any risks... we'll deal as needed.

I was happy about a few things, got teary eyed again about them actually- I've gained a little weight again, phew... nice to not get a lecture about eating... Plus my cancer tumor markers have gone down again a bit which I find reassuring. Darn cancer... really working hard lately to refocus my thoughts to the positives, anytime I have the negative ones creep in. Really challenging sometimes but overall I know I'm doing pretty well at keeping positive. Expected up and down days since I'm on break from treatment...

A few things to look forward to... holiday in a week and a wonderful friend joining us for most of the time, woo hoo... and then work thru the end of June... then moving home to Oregon early July! I decided to begin a countdown for the move home...  hooray to 109 days left to enjoy Hong Kong and Asia before the big move back.  Countdown

My good friend Lenore has returned to the US, sigh. It was so so wonderful to spend time with her and catch up. Grateful for the gift of time that we had together (plus fun time with other lovely friends as well during the visit)... Lenore was interviewed by another author friend/radio presenter, Reenita Malhotra Hora, during her visit on Hong Kong's radio station- RTHK, it was a fantastic interview!!
http://programme.rthk.hk/channel/radio/programme.php?name=radio3/state_of_the_art&d=2015-03-15&p=6684&e=299363&m=episode

Thanks for journeying with me...

Feeling lucky for special times with friends. Grateful... :)

Toolbox plus A Good Week- Reflecting

Three of us had amazing juice for breakfast
and great conversation too!

I received a message from an app yesterday, Timehop... I saw pictures of myself sitting on a hospital bed. Wow. It has been a year since my 1st/2nd operations for breast cancer, second cancer diagnosis. I've been taking Tamoxifen for a year now. Keeping that specific cancer at bay. I've had pain from the scar tissue for quite a long time... but the new scars are starting to recover a little bit.
I am not one for marking too many dates in my thoughts every year. Loved one's birthdays are important, anniversaries as well but cancer diagnosis? surgery? Not so sure.

I've enjoyed the past week for so many reasons... it kept me hopping, not many down-time moments.
First there was a dear friend staying with us- feels like an empty hole in our family now that you're in a hotel Lenore, we miss you! Then there was an author visit at my school on Wednesday, what fun that presenter was, enjoyed the day taking care of his needs and laughing along with my students. Also wrapped up the second book week... a relief but special the whole time.

Every day I'm getting a little stronger, feeling a little better... actually walked 10,000 steps without feeling exhausted/noticing it on Thursday. I'm really excited about an event my husband and I are going to tonight. Shall see if my strength holds up.

I chatted with my life coach a few weeks ago about what I can do to maintain my health now that radiation is over. She's seen too many people crash/get ill once their body is done with the exhausting process of surviving chemo/radiation. Guess it is like how some go on holiday and get sick because they are relaxing for the first time. We talked about what my toolbox for health holds... what my practices are for feeling strong. I've thought about this over the weeks and I have a pretty full toolbox of good practices presently, some tools are used and the others are there for emergencies and needed times.

Tools I'm presently using:
1. Breathing and relaxing. When I find myself feeling nervous/stressed, I forcibly slow myself down, lower my shoulders, start breathing slowly and deeply.
2. Qi gong. I'm still loving classes once a week and know that the practice is happening on a daily basis. I use strategies when I'm feeling insomnia occurring and also when I wake up feeling lousy.
3. Yoga. I'm still enjoying classes once a week and am grateful for the focus time.
4. Yoga Nidra- once a week I'm still practicing this with a friend, grateful for her gifts of time.
5. Family time- my son's and husband's love nurture me.
6. Quality time snuggling with my dog. She slows me down and is such a sweet little love.
7. Walking - I appreciate that I can walk to most things here in my neighborhood- grocery shopping, MTR, and more. Just a few steps away. I love the energy walking gives me.
8. Acupuncture- I'm visiting my acupuncturist still. Just not as often.
9. Chinese herbal medicine- drinking it twice a day. Still dislike the taste but I'm consistent.
10. Tea- tumeric, ginger, green tea, mint tea, and more. It helps me start the morning off right and I also drink it in the afternoon/evening. Calms my stomach.
11. Squeezed lemon in warm water- I start the day drinking this.
12. Oil pulling- I still put a teaspoon of coconut oil in my mouth first thing in the morning and swish it around for 10 minutes or so and also I do this in the evening.
13. Essential oils- I use many essential oils every day. I really feel that they've helped me keep up my immune system and also helped my stomach on bad days.
14. Health supplements- I take many vitamins on a daily basis. Some I've taken for years to help keep my arthritis at bay... others I take now for better health.
15. Massage therapy- I have two more prepaid massages. Got one yesterday. It was lovely but painful. The woman I see knows how to do lymphatic massage and is incredible at working on the areas I tell her I have pain in.

Tools waiting to be grabbed:
1. Osteopathy- I'm going to see my osteopath in a week or so, haven't seen her in ages, think it will help to get my body reset after bedrest, etc.
2. Lymphoma specialist/physiotherapist- I'm going to see one for the first time in a few weeks. Will be interesting to learn from him.
3. Chanting- I haven't done much chanting but know I can.
4. Meditation- I haven't done much of this but know I can.
5. Mindfulness- I haven't used an app, etc. in a while.
6. Gratitude journal- I haven't written in one in a long time but instead am taking note of what I'm grateful for, think the journal got me into the natural practice of redirecting worried thoughts to  appreciation instead.
7. Art- I haven't doodled in a while. Soon. Soon.
8. Writing- I'm only writing lately in this journal and on my blog... soon. soon.
9. Eating healthy food- I'm doing so on a daily basis which includes green juice, etc. but haven't expanded my repertoire too much. Shall be pulling this out soon and finding new meals to eat since I've become a little more picky recently.
10. Insomnia solution- putting my legs up the wall- haven't had to do this for a while.  (Hooray for sleep not being as tough, knock on wood.)
11. Yuen method- I think about seeing the specialist and what he says frequently but haven't found a need to return.
12. Dancing- hoping to dance at an event tonight! Shall see.
13. Exercise- beyond walking I've been waiting to have a little energy, might be getting there. Haven't stepped into the gym we joined a year ago since August. Would be nice to go use the elliptical sometime soon. Someday I hope to build up energy to do Zumba again. That would be a beautiful thing.
14. Travel- this is something I love looking forward to and then also experiencing- going to Bali in 2 weeks, hooray!! Anticipation!
15. There's always room for more tools, right? I felt very healthy simply putting away a tool last week, my wig! Bagged up, put away. Hooray.

Well... enough lists, I love my lists.
Thanks as always for journeying with me...

Third time saying DONE

Hallelujah.
   Grateful to be done with this radiation crap. Walking down the hall every session. Going into the room to remove clothing and jewelry each time. Putting it all in a little locker and wearing the key bracelet down the hall. Putting the key on the little counter. Kicking off slippers, climbing up on the table, fitting into the body cast, laying down with arms painfully above head, covered with a sheet, adjusted left and right writing on my skin near my "tattoos", getting my other tattoo checked in the center of my chest, covered up in a fleece blanket, and going in and out of the tube... Done. Done. Done. So grateful to be finished. Hallelujah.
   Loved when I heard the words, "Ok Debbie, for the last time, it won't be long now." Brought tears to my eyes. She knew I was listening. Lovely woman... Hope she helps everyone like she did me... so kind and patient with my questions and always a smile when I came out of the changing room.
   Can't believe I have gone through three rounds of radiation treatment. This one was the most amount of treatment days. This one was the oddest because I was focused on the radiation going and killing a specific cancer tumor vs. just killing possible stray cancer cells after a tumor was removed.
Now. Waiting. Healing. I know I'm still burning from the inside out. I'm grateful to not have my skin burning this time though. I'm not fond of the side effects, but I know I'm lucky in comparison to so many others who went thru radiation in this area.
   Tomorrow? Happy to not be heading to the hospital after school.
   The next day? lung x-ray... gotta dig thru my x-rays to find my other old lung x-ray so they can compare and see if there is any damage. Then time to see my oncologist and see what he thinks and when he wants me to have that PET scan.
   Getting thru. Day to day.
   Wiped out presently. Shall see how I'm feeling in a week's time. My husband is happy I have a little recovery time. I need it. It takes over a month to feel almost like myself after radiation treatment. I remember this all too well. Energy is low. Healing is slow.
One other thing to be grateful for is not having to see that radiologist. I've been anxious the whole time I went for radiation treatment because the last two treatment rounds he made sure to see me part way through and at the end. Glad he never was there. Perhaps my oncologist told him to stay away.
Really glad that he did his part planning how the radiation should go and then let the experts run the machines and take care of me. Goodness I'm grateful. Need to stay away from his negativity as much as I can.
   Moving on. Moving up. Treating myself with care. Hoping to get over sleeping issues I've had this past week sooner than later. Shall see. Same with the neck pain. Appreciated emailing a lymphodema specialist to find out more about how to treat my neck. So glad that I learned about risks. Now I know what to watch for and how to treat my body, especially good to know to avoid heat and ice packs... I certainly want to meet up with him soon but waiting to talk with my oncologist about it first.
   I did get to celebrate a little bit after treatment by attending a Hong Kong librarians meeting (love my colleagues) and meeting a wonderful, talented author and illustrator. Then I came home and slowly ate dinner, redirected my brain to a few shows, and chilled out with family...
Many thanks for all the support all. Appreciate you journeying with me. Feels like a major step I accomplished today, even for the third time...

Goodbye locker. Goodbye hospital gowns.
Goodbye yucky hospital slippers. Goodbye treatments.
Thank goodness.

Only 2 more

Getting thru the days. Enjoyed visiting an Indian Food restaurant, delicious place. My husband said, "Wow, I'd get this takeout food every day if I could get you to eat this much at every meal." Nice to have an appetite and like food... PLUS we ordered take-out the next day from the same place, y-u-m. Yes, I'm addicted and my husband is ever so supportive...
I'm quite happy that I'm looking at final two treatment days. Pretty exhausted. Painful to deal with treatment but I'm grateful to not be burned on the skin this time. I think the main thing bringing me down right now is the shoulder and neck pain I've had since the first day of treatment. Putting that right arm over my head has exacerbated the pain... not certain how to handle it.
Normally I'd put ice on a pained area or a heat pack but I recently sat through a presentation about lymphedema and one of the recommendations was that I avoid a sauna, hot tub, or anything that makes my skin pink... also I'm supposed to avoid having anything freezing on my skin. That makes things quite limiting.
I learned also about how lymphedema occurring in different quadrants based on how the lymph nodes work... Unfortunately, I've had lymph nodes compromised in 3 areas of my body. With the cervical cancer, they harvested lymph nodes. With the breast cancer, they harvested lymph nodes under my right arm- go figure, it is my right shoulder that's in pain... With the metastatic cervical cancer, they removed a portion of my lymph nodes near my heart, those are the ones that are getting radiated presently. Think I should see a specialist to check on my lymph nodes, learn if I need compression sleeve, etc. Shall be chatting with my oncologist about this on Saturday when I see him next. Quite disconcerting but good to be aware I suppose.
Now to finish my long countdown from 30 to 0. Will be really happy to get there finally.
My husband snuck this picture of me when I was snuggling with our dog today. I'm pretty darn fatigued lately... My hair is growing in quite nice but I know it could all go away with those last two chemo treatments, sigh. Shall see. Personally the thing that stands out to me is my eyelashes since they are mostly returned now... I somewhat almost can see myself and see a healthy person again...
Thanks for journeying with me, really grateful...

Ticking the days off

No more Wednesday treatments. Happy day. 4 left. The end is in sight. Not thrilled about any treatment. But I'm making the lab technicians laugh as I walk in. Today I let them know "today is my last Wednesday"... One of my favorite technicians always says as she leaves me, "Won't be long." If she's not there that day I say it to myself. She's seen me through my radiation treatment for the cervical cancer, breast cancer, and now lymph nodes... kind woman. Another one used to say to me "stay still" during the breast cancer treatment. She doesn't say that anymore. I do not BUDGE or even breath more than shallow breaths once they're done writing on me, adjusting me, rolling me, positioning me just right. I'm honestly freaked out about moving a smidge at all because I don't want that radiation going anywhere wrong. Bad enough where it hits now.

Pretty drained/tired but still enjoying work. Don't feel like I'm overdoing things, just is annoying to get up in the mornings.... but I've never been a morning person. The end of the work week is tougher for me, more talking with some classes. Adjusted my lessons with some groups this week so that I don't talk as much and am LOVING my decision. Nice to have students back to independently exploring literature. Will add back technology projects and research soon... less talk from me... I did finish reading aloud one of my favorite books today with my son's class- read Love that Dog by Sharon Creech to them. I never tire of this book. I have most of it memorized. I adored the conversations once I was done about how the students felt about the book, cared about the character, how they enjoyed the entries in the book, how they followed the storyline... (they just finished an inquiry unit on the arts, connects to novels in verse perfectly)...  My favorite moment was chatting with one group of kids about how they loved Sharon Creech's book Heartbeat which they read for Battle of the Books this year and another group of kids came and told me they loved Walk Two Moons and then another group begged me to get Hate that Cat- the sequel to Love that Dog for the library (shocked I didn't buy it already)... Oh to love an author and have a little money left in my book budget to fulfill kids' wishes!
I received the most beautiful, supportive letter from Sharon about a month ago that really touched my heart... she's such a wonderful, thoughtful person. Have opened/read the letter many times since receiving it. It is like looking at a piece of art, lifts my spirits. Love that I can connect with her and other fantastic authors online... such a lucky person I am...

Enjoyed actually getting to treatment early today because of a lovely car ride from a friend and immediately going to treatment early and heading home at a decent time. Especially appreciated the bonus of meeting up with my kiddo on the minibus on the way home. Fun to catch up with him at the end of the school day. He was thrilled.

My good friend sent me this post I found quite helpful for thinking about future scans and stopping myself from worrying... She always sends the best advice:
10 Tips for Coping with Scanxiety:
http://www.curetoday.com/community/tori-tomalia/2015/02/10-tips-for-coping-with-scanxiety?utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Cure+Today&utm_campaign=CURExtra+email+2-18-15

This blog post upset and inspired me simultaneously: "As I lay dying":
http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-becklund-breast-cancer-komen-20150222-story.html#page=1

Two more treatments this week, two more work days... Next week, last two treatments and then some recovery...

Enjoying each day for the gift it is, sometimes zoning out a little more but pacing myself best I can.
Thanks for journeying all...

Going to work...

Days are slow going.
Enjoyed many off although I often felt slightly guilty through the week that I wasn't more fun, wasn't organizing play dates, and was leaving the brunt of everything- cooking, shopping, dog walking, kiddo entertaining... to my husband. He's wonderful. Just wish it was a better balance but appreciate what he's done picking up the pieces. He's told me in his own way to keep up what I'm doing to stay positive and work on kicking cancer out of my body. Don't think all of my practices with essential oils, Chinese herbal medicine that grosses me out each time I drink it, qi gong practices, yoga and such are completely understood but boy do I feel complete support of everything I'm doing in this journey to keep strong and get rid of cancer.

Going to work without a wig.
Been looming.
Started making up a chant about it.
Silly I know. But there's my brain.

Inspired by - We're going on a bear hunt...

I'm going to work wigless, it's gonna be a big one, I'm not scared.
Can't avoid it, can't ignore it, just gonna push through it,
one day at a time....
-Stop- that's where I'd like to stop for now.

Grateful I got through a few commitments I was concerned about over the past week. Felt good to keep promises. Didn't accomplish everything I'd hoped to over the past week, especially with some professional reading I wanted to get through... Shall see what I get through over the next few weeks. It took me a while to read a book for one commitment and after I finished that I started this terrible book that I promised one of my students I'd read ages ago... I really, really don't like it. I can see why kids do though... I think. So, to clear the bad taste out of my mouth from the horrible book I had to read a few book treasures for future book reviews. Loved them, just like I knew I would. Shall be finishing that terrible book tonight. It actually has three stories in one book. Only going to torture myself with one of them. Will be happy to return it to the library and move on to other books instead... (So sorry to my Enid Blyton friends, I really tried, really. I just don't like her style and I feel quite disconnected the whole time I reading the book... sigh.)


Read this article about the food industry and found it thoroughly disturbing and simultaneously enlightening...
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/21/a-feast-of-engineering-whats-really-in-your-food

As always, thanks for journeying with me. Probably will be quiet this week as I tackle many days of activities and commitments and treatment...  one day at a time...