Ok Days Holiday Break

Grateful for time at home, rest time, nap time.
Got thru three days of treatment, 8 to go. One coming this Saturday which is odd but there's adaptation for Chinese New Year.
Looking forward to getting back into routines next week. Five treatment days in a row and then two more the following week.
Saw my oncologist today. He's reassuring. Wasn't as impressed with my weight gain as I was excited... but of course I lost 4 pounds 1 1/2 weeks before and only gained back one. I told him "I worked hard to gain that pound!"
He said I'm doing remarkably well. Happy with my blood tests, kidney function and more. A relief.
The week of the last two radiation treatments I have to get a lung x-ray to see if my lungs were damaged by the treatment, oh boy. Then I get a "break" from treatments for around 3 weeks. Then I have to get a PET scan again to get another baseline check... for some reason I didn't expect to need to have another PET scan til June, sigh. Then based on checks I'll find out about the last two rounds of chemo/time plan. Might be right after we return from Bali. Will see.
I'm working hard to stay positive and hopeful. Still talking to the tumor. Asking it to die, shrink, quit growing, and more...
I'm tired of the pain I've begun to feel in my back, pretty sure from radiation. It was weird to move my tongue and feel pain for the first time. It doesn't hurt to swallow. Just sucks to cough.
Feeling tired but napping is helpful. Kiddo is patient with me which is good. Trying to make special time with him outside of our evening reading time.
Certainly feels good to leave the apartment without something covering my head. A relief.
Had fun visiting with friends yesterday at an anniversary party but I realized how many students were at this get together... more than I expected. One student looked at me, giggled and went and whispered to her other little friends. Another student just looked at me with huge wide eyes and I said "I know, my hair is different, right?" She said "Yeah." Kids will adapt. I certainly have.
Grateful that my husband is getting some things sorted for us... especially planning out our Bali trip. Fun to make plans together. Good to have things to look forward to.

Wishing readers well. Many thanks for journeying with me.

Enjoyed looking at these and sniffing the delicious smell.
Not even tempted to eat one bite anymore, feel like I've come so far.
Happy Anniversary to two good caring friends! :)

Radiation Plans plus Pacing

I love being back at school. I do not love the morning wake up. It is wonderful to see students again, colleagues, and have the chance to tackle projects... It is fun to teach and my colleages haven't pushed with expectations (thank goodness)- I'm teaching classes and appreciating a little work time here and there to do cataloging and projects.

We made a big decision that I shared on my other blog but not here yet... we are going to move back to Oregon in July. This is a very positive decision even though we are going to miss so many friends, connections, life here in Hong Kong... We know that without this third cancer diagnosis we'd be in a different place... but we're happy and excited about the changes, especially my son.

Now that I know we're headed home, I'm addressing all the projects around the library that have been put off. I want there to be a smooth transition with my replacement stepping in to that gorgeous setting without anything piled up...

Today my husband and I went to see the very negative radiologist. My husband has actually forgotten about meeting him before, I think this is because neither of us want to remember conversations with him, the most blunt person I've ever experienced... and I'm pretty darn blunt. I disliked all my past appointments with him but one thing is for sure, once I met with him, I felt confident that avoiding the local hospital was a good idea. This round of radiation is risky and worrisome and I do not want to risk my life in any way. The local hospital oncologist told my husband and I that he didn't think the radiologists would even be willing to radiate the area that needs treatment...

So. Radiation is next. This Saturday is my final (for now- 2 later) chemo treatment, just one drug, getting thru them. Not pushing myself. No fainting, a few moments of tiredness where I realized I needed to slow down but overall, getting thru work and home life. I'm taking advantage of elevators at work. Not walking the stairs as much. Walking up stairs tires me out more than anything else.
Radiation plan- much more money than past two experiences. This time the radiologist wants to go for six weeks of treatment. 30 LONG days...
Here's what he shared:
I have a connective tissue disorder, rheumatoid arthritis, that has created issues in the past. The first round of radiation for cervical cancer had to be ended early because of this. The second round for breast cancer wasn't shortened at all though... He's concerned with my ability to successfully get through this round since it is 6 weeks long, 5 days a week... and there could be "nasty reaction" to radiation since it could compromise my heart, lungs, esophagus, trachea, spinal cord... there could be significant side effects, especially my lungs since the radiation will be going through it. The area I'll have radiated is called the mediastinum... He said with the 6 weeks it would be 5400 radiation dose, normally the 6 weeks is a 6000 radiation dose but because of my connective tissue disorder he wants to be careful and do less.
Side effects he listed at this time are: fatigue, possible damage to important areas of body like heart and lungs, appetite decrease... I can work throughout the treatment though... the hospital is down the street from my school. For the last two rounds I walked for 14 minutes (timed it to a "t") checked in, had radiation, walked up to the other area outside the hospital where either I'd take a bus home - drops me off right near our apartment- or take a taxi if there isn't a terribly long line... Shall see how I do for this round.

My oncologist wanted to possibly have more radiated beyond the tumor which surprised me quite a bit. (supraclavicular regions) It was something new. The radiologist didn't want to do this due to my connective tissue disorder, I'll be checking with my oncologist when I see him on Saturday about this. It would be radiating my neck area on both sides... Hmm.

Here's some of the quotes from the radiologist I took down:
"We are trying to reduce the chance of cancer spreading.... Although, the chance of it spreading in your current diagnosis is high.... The objective of treatment is to control cancer and maintain your quality of life.... Chemo isn't curative for cervical cancer.... There is no cure for your stage of cancer..."

Gee thanks, thrilled to meet with you. Great for my attitude... and my husband's... not. Wasn't looking for a cure, moved beyond that word a long while ago...

I know my husband and I are both focused on the tumor at hand. Reducing it, getting rid of it. I know there are cancer cells bouncing around in my body. Obviously. They showed up in my lung for goodness sake. I also know that I'm trying my best to stay positive and have healthy practices with preventative practices as well...
Yup.
That's what I have to share today.

Enjoying the week at work... tired... glad I had qi gong last night with friends, learned a few new exercises that will be useful. Think my instructor is fantastic.
Thanks for keeping up on the journey with me, know I've been a little more quiet but honestly embracing my time at work and treasuring my time at home as well. Balancing in writing and journaling when I feel like doing so...

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do.