Last Day of Chemo

Actually smiled.

I'm keeping faith.
Faith that this is really my last day of chemo.
Faith that the exhausting, expensive, emotionally draining experience over the past 10 months has successfully helped me rid cancer and extended my life. I'm continuing positive thoughts, deep breathing, qigong once or twice a day, and all the other things from oil pulling to essential oil treatment and I really do believe this is helping me. I've been dealing with pain in my side and more recently in my stomach and doing the deep breathing and acknowledging the pain has really helped me actually ease the pain.

Found out I have the stomach bug which helps me understand why I had stomach pain. It is difficult to distinguish sometimes what type of pains I'm dealing with. Good to have a solution, rice water to drink, and meds to take.

Happy moments and a feeling that an anvil has been lifted off my shoulders.... that's how I feel after finishing the chemo experience.

Hope this view is done in my life.

Author/Illustrator Debbie Ridpath Ohi made this for me.
As sad as I am to be wearing hats again,
I feel like this picture represents me.

A wonderful friend mentioned to me that some of my random shares in these posts have helped her out with her own medical needs. Hooray. That just makes my day. Touched by all wonderful people I'm keeping up with on here, Facebook, and other places...

Here's what has inspired me recently:
I LOVED the idea of these greeting cards created by a former cancer patient... this woman is an inspiration:
I'm grateful a friend sent this my way (thanks Candy!) and I agree, each person is different and it is really challenging to know what to say to someone who is dealing with cancer in their life.
Now, I do not refer to my illness as a journey, my journey is celebrating life itself every day. It has been interrupted slightly by this darn cancer but I am still celebrating what I appreciate, spending time with those I love and care about, pursuing my passions, and not letting go of my dreams...
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2015/05/07/404976537/are-you-sick-and-sick-of-hearing-everything-happens-for-a-reason?
Here's lovely card examples:

My beautiful qigong teacher sent me a link about gratefulness. 

Really appreciated this link and this song - 

Grateful  - A love song to the world: http://www.karmatube.org/videos.php?id=4460

I watched a video on Positive Psychology, enjoyed watching, most of what I know but I appreciated watching the research reinforcing it. (Shared by wonderful colleague at my school...)

I've added the mantra from this meditation link/video to my daily practice with my deep breathing. Really helpful reminder every time...

http://www.ishafoundation.org/Ishakriya/Learn-online

Moving ahead, taking care of myself... thanks for journeying with me...

Finding inspiration, poetry, and being careful

Hmm.
Expected drama today. None. Maybe side effects from chemo are holding off for tomorrow or the next day. Odd. NOT COMPLAINING.
Felt really productive and happy today. Enjoyed visiting with some wonderful friends, had fun doing art with my kiddo, and got through the day taking rests when I felt a little fatigued. Noticed my face was flushed three times during the day (I never flush)... Hmm.
Working my way thru Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips book still, taking my time as I really am appreciating it and taking ideas to heart... and feeling reassured with things I've already done this past year. 

Funny how strong I feel when I have poison coursing through my veins and cancer cells multiplying (hopefully they're very confused and starting to die instead.)
Wrote these poems a few months ago at a writers workshop. 

Thought they still represent my thoughts about this cancer journey:

Diagnosis:

No.

No. No.

Thank god he is here with me, wouldn’t want to be the one to tell him.

Crap.

No security.

No safety.

Unsure.

Operation prep.

Leaving work.

Conversations.

Repeated conversations.

Repeating myself too many times.

Not so grateful to say I’m grateful over and over.

Happy to be alive but terrified.

Books- what do I read first?

Online Articles scare the hell out of me.

Online groups are useful.

Talking with someone is best...
Thank goodness for good friends.

  

Survive? Yes.

Thrive? Will give it a go.

Inspire? Not so sure.

Must my cancer story be so special?

Would it help or worry others to read it?

Will thinking about cancer make me worry more?

I already worry enough.

Every twinge.

Every pain.

Especially every consistent pain brings forth

an immediate worry about what could be coming.

Scans? Expensive.

Hate worrying about money.

Hate getting upset about costs.

Better to focus on outcome.

Knowledge.

Hope.

Action.
Better to focus on what I can control.

Appreciated these sites and resources - last two shared by lovely friends recently:

12 Promises You Should Make to Yourself and Keep Foreverhttp://www.marcandangel.com/2014/09/17/12-promises-you-should-make-to-yourself-and-keep-forever/

40 Ways to Create Peace of Mind
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-to-create-peace-of-mind/

Walk in Beauty- Navajo Prayer:
http://talking-feather.com/home/walk-in-beauty-prayer-from-navajo-blessing/

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do. 

Inspiring me

So, I love when my husband asks me what I've done during the day. When life was normal, I'd fill him in on work inspiration stories... now that I'm recovering from surgery....
Some days, I'm a little productive. Take today... I finally made three phone calls and followed through on some paperwork all of which I've avoided for a while. I also had a wonderful visit from a sweet friend.
Other days, I'm just surviving. Reading. Browsing online. Not productive.
I allow the day to shape itself.
So far.

I've made sure to get myself out walking every day. I've been contemplating what I want to do when I'm dealing with chemo treatment. An inspiring friend walked 2-3 miles every day during her treatment. I would like to increase my stamina and recover from this recent surgery so that I could do something healthy every day during chemotherapy and radiation treatments as well. So, do I want to go for a weekly hike? shopping adventures around random areas in Hong Kong? visit all the libraries in Hong Kong that I can? explore new areas of Hong Kong by hopping on random ferries and wandering around a little island for the day? visit all the beautiful beaches? work on my manuscripts? go work out at the gym that my husband and I joined right after my breast cancer surgeries? Hmm. Options are bountiful, which is lovely. But will be careful to pace myself, read how much I can honestly handle...

I've had chats with friends about life.
That's valued time for me.
I've done so in person and also online.
I've organized playdates and hung out with my son and husband. That's treasured time.

I'll go to my first cancer support group activity next Wednesday. Can't believe I was diagnosed a year ago and I'm only just looking into this... but I did have a close friend who dealt with similar treatments who gave eloquent advice in my first round with cervical cancer and another good friend who helped me learn about new diets and healthy choices during my second round with breast cancer... CancerLink has some healthy activities starting up in October, I wrote down 7 classes like meditation, yogaa, chanting, and more that looked promising and will narrow down within a week.
Each round has been different. Enlightening in different ways. Grateful for the experience although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever. I know I'm growing as a person but honestly, could've grown without this type of experience.

Thought I'd share a smattering of what's inspired me in the world of fighting, living, and dealing with cancer... I've browsed, watched, and learned more through other's experiences. Really appreciate others sharing what they've dealt with.
So inspiring me recently were these- two videos and two articles. I mostly find these through Facebook groups I joined thanks to another friend's recommendation recently.
First, a brave man who shares what it is like with chemo, loved this video, love how connected he is with people at the hospital but can just imagine how many days he's dealt with life there... impressing singing!

Second, an interview - really appreciated the perspectives shared: (I appreciate following The Silver Lining and reading recipes and posts too.)

An article on how it is helpful to write your way through cancer? Why yes, thank you I agree:

http://copingmag.com/cwc/index.php/feature_article/write_your_way_through_cancer

Fighting cancer perspective: Does cancer ever win? Appreciated this powerful reflection:

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/09-04-2014/Does-Cancer-Ever-Win

What else inspires me (to fight, stay positive, go one day at a time)?
Little special messages from my sister and happy thoughts from her.
Loving messages from my mom every day staying stronger than I am, ready to listen anytime.
Close friends booking time to Skype with me.
Wonderful friends writing and sending me messages about how they're thinking of me, praying for me, and more.
A friend who shared my name in her prayer circle at a retreat the day of my big surgery.
A friend who stuck in her yoga tree pose and sent energy and positive thoughts my way, then also shared my story with her classmates so they also sent positive thoughts my way. Across the ocean, received.
My son's consistent love, even when it is all about him (which is just wonderful for an 8 year old) he's such a sweet, caring soul...
My husband's persistence in providing me with happiness, love, and humor. I love making him laugh and it is reciprocated through conversations, tv shows shared, and more. So grateful.
My dad and other loving family members sending special messages.
Positive messages from my colleagues and friends from work reaching out and ready to help with anything needed.

I also appreciated these 100 Wise Words from an Econ Professor...