Cut me a break darnit

Hair is growing out more!

Warning.
One of my most scattered posts.
Mainly because I've treated it as a quick journal over a few days and this is the first day I've had wifi. Hooray for that finally getting installed after 2.5 weeks being home!

Saturday- Well.
I'm waiting for Monday's appointment with a cardio thoracic surgeon and Tuesday's appointment with the radiation oncologist. I'm extremely frustrated with a few things lately. Like how records couldn't be passed to the two specialists until today. And then the radiation oncologist's office calls and tells me that they don't have the proper records. And when I call Hong Kong about this, I get a PDF that I need to fill out, mail back, pay on the phone record request forms costs, and then in 9-15 days I'll receive the records. Seriously. Cut me a break.
I did my research. Got very excited about one study. Only to find out that my breast cancer is a conflict and eliminates me from the study. I talked to another person who mentioned the same thing. Another place I didn't find the protocol appropriate, neither did my new oncologist... so that rules them out. And I'm finding that my oncologist was right, there isn't much in the way of immunotherapy treatments for cervical cancer (even though there is a specific one, I just don't qualify for it.) I'm NOT giving up though.

Saturday- I haven't been feeling myself for around 3 days. Pain in my back and chest is a little worse and my stomach is a bit of a nightmare. I'm trying to deal. Trying to stay strong and positive. But some days, I just want a stinking break.
Tuesday- **Update from this- OOPS, missed taking a pain pill for two days, that'll do me in... go into withdrawal- not recommended... add in stomach flu? terrible situation for anyone.

Glad to be back in Oregon so that if family are concerned about me saying I don't feel well they can drop by and check in with me vs. communicating via email/Skype. Beautiful to be so close to my mom, dad, sister and brother in law- plus so many wonderful friends as well.

Really appreciated reading this article:
http://www.bamradionetwork.com/edwords-blog/what-teachers-with-chronic-illnesses-wish-our-principals-knew
It has so much that I agree with. I went thru a few things that I decided not to share publically but if people read this article it would be helpful for understanding what anyone with a chronic illness experiences/thinks.

Monday- Ok... 
I have been a little distracted.
Too many things going on but in a mostly ok way.
Talked with another person in charge of a study I thought had possibility today and thanked her for not just saying "NO". What a relief. She said, "Oh, we try to help all people interested." Lovely attitude.

I went to see the cardio thoracic surgeon today and received no answers and a bunch of confusion.
Here's some confusing things:
1. The lymph nodes tumor in my chest near my heart isn't all cleared up apparently, but smaller... but the surgeon said the PET scan might be incorrect since it takes a while for radiation to finish what it is doing.
2. He doesn't totally agree that the tumors are metastatic cervical cancer, he thinks they could possibly be lung cancer (seriously?) I was really thrown by this one.
3. If it is metastatic cervical cancer, then he doesn't want to perform an operation, if it is lung cancer, he does. So... the tumor is there. Hmm. I'm annoyed about this one.
4. He will go to a tumor board on Thursday and share my case with numerous people and make some decisions and call me.
So. I walked away joking with my husband for a while and not quite believing the conversation.
Here's a "PLEASE DON'T DO THIS to another person situation:
When my husband and I were waiting for the surgeon, his student came in first to talk with me. Hmm. She began the conversation with "What are you doing here today?" Seriously, don't ask this question medical professionals. It makes people doubt your abilities and wonder about whether you even know about their case before you walk in. She actually had missed reviewing the PET scans- that she carried into the appointment- and after she walked out we waited 45 minutes more for the surgeon to come in. Hmm. I did tell her she made me very uncomfortable with that question and it made me wonder whether she had even read my files and she did clarify that they'd read the other documents, just not the PET scans. Hmm.

Love being home with my books.

I felt very good about how my nose works two days ago... I heard some popping noises and then smelled smoke coming from my dryer- which wasn't even operating at the time. Unplugged things and called a repair person. Today the person confirmed that we would have had a fire if I hadn't unplugged the dryer. We've ordered a new dryer- the old one was 10 years old, good life for it. Enough drama already.

Ready for a few mellow days. Oh wait, I have an appointment with a radiation oncologist.... oh my.

Thanks for journeying with me as always...

There's no place like home

Being home is quite a blessing.

I miss our friends back in Hong Kong but I do not miss slow elevators, apartment living, or pollution. I do miss walking to places vs. all the driving it takes to do things… It is lovely to be back in our old home after three years away. Quite a relief to have our dog home with us happy and healthy. Being able to go visit my family members or simply call them on the phone is beautiful.

We’re adjusting to life well enough here in Oregon. I love the temperature, feels pretty darn good to have a cool breeze. Getting together with friends and former colleagues is special too.

We now have some furniture and I got pictures up all over, so it feels more like a home now. Cannot believe how many books we’ve saved, I’ve unpacked them and am taking my time with various projects before I enjoy organizing them all.

I’m excited to have a job in my old school district, this time with a heavier focus on technology which is just fine, looking forward to having a new work home to settle in. Waiting on a few boxes to arrive from Hong Kong and organized another workbox at home to bring in… Not much since I cleared out and scanned everything that was important to me three years ago.

Today I went to my new oncologist. There is no miracle cure. There is no real solution presently for me- especially since I have metastatic cervical cancer; there are no trials presently for this cancer. I told my oncologist that I was frustrated to not find any people that have my cancer/stage to follow and learn about trials from and he said that’s because they are dead… Honesty. I’ll take it, I guess. He also said that if I did nothing, my tumors are in places that could grow for the next year and I could have around a year or so of life without any treatment… hmm. Abysmal but at least we have thoughts on things…

The oncologist said that he’d refer me to three specialists- cardio-thoracic surgeon to see about removing the lymph node up behind my lung on my back- my oncologist liked the idea of at least getting a sample of the lymph node for genetic testing… (I immediately thought about my nightmare experience with the needle sticking out of my side with the biopsy on my lung a year ago- in and out of the CT scanner with that needle sticking out- hold your breath, don’t breath, ok, now breathe… ech. But I know this is a very different area to biopsy/operate on… nerve wracking anyway…)

He wants me to meet with a radiation oncologist to see if it is even feasible to radiate the lymph node – if this lymph node is anywhere close to the other radiated area, can’t do it, shall see.

And also I will be sent to another doctor who is facilitating medical trials on immunotherapy. All the immunotherapy drugs presently on the market are more for others like breast cancer, lung cancer, skin cancer patients, not at all cervical cancer, so there’s a long shot for finding anything that might fit me. Shall see. I’m good with trying to find that long shot. My oncologist wasn’t certain what might be going on with my other tumor on the adrenal gland. He’s not as concerned with that tumor as he is the lymph node in my chest cavity since that lymph node can cause more problems quicker.

I need to research on immunotherapy options myself as well. My oncologist said that he’ll do his research and try to find as many options and possibilities for me. He said, “I can tell, you are the type of person who wants to explore every option. You won’t be happy unless you feel like you’ve left no stone unturned.” Very true. I explore, I research, I care.

So… here I am. Home. Adjusting. Appreciating life. Not adventuring much yet. More just enjoying the day-to-day life experience. Not quite relaxing yet but I’ll get there. Organizing is one of my specialties, so I’m enjoying the energy and stamina I have to complete projects. I love being able to do things right the first time if possible. Getting things sorted so that we can locate and enjoy them later is a beautiful thing… Happy to have a little time to do so. Now, also want to make more time to read again, books are beckoning and the public library is just a hop up the street. We don’t really have internet for another week, but finding ways around that presently but can't upload any pictures to accompany this post... I'll be flexible...

Thanks as always for journeying with me.

Leaving, on a jet plane...

Hats are getting really challenging to wear...
90 degrees plus humidity is hard without the hat!

Well. It has been almost a week since that appointment.
I've been more conscious of what I'm feeling inside but overall, I've felt pretty darn healthy.
Hair is growing back.
Energy is mediocre (mainly because I've had hideous sleep, hoping to resolve sooner than later).
Appetite is full force, happy to be gaining some weight.
Saying goodbye left and right to wonderful, beautiful friends and people who are almost more like family to us.  It is ridiculously hard.
We've been getting rid of things and planning out packing for ages. Shipping back many boxes to save money on overweight bags, etc... Shall see how it goes tomorrow at checkin!
The boxes we shipped take TWO months to arrive in Oregon. I've decided to look on it as little happy surprises once each box arrives.
I have an appointment with my oncologist for next Tuesday. I have PET scans, a packet from my former oncologist, and x-rays all organized and ready to bring to the office before the appointment. I have a list of questions I've been accumulating in my journal book. Helps to write them down instead of festering on one thing after another.
For now, I cannot do anything about it, will just treat myself well.

Bringing our dog to the cargo shipping area...

Flying out tomorrow in the evening, so excited to head home.
Our dog flew home almost a week ago and handled the transition incredibly well. So relieved. My wonderful parents are caring for her until our return to the US. It is a little sad to see my dog's aging through my parents eyes since her sight/hearing has changed so much, plus her gait has changed... but her loving nature and wonderful companionship is still beautiful.
After way too many interviews at 11:30pm and 5:30/6am I have a new work home to head to in mid-August. Really happy to be a library/tech specialist, my passion is that combination and I look forward to meeting new students, staff, and community members.
So, overall? Feeling fine with life. Poor hand presently health-wise but shall be maintaining complimentary practices to keep a healthy focus and exploring other options when I settle in Oregon.
Thanks as always for journeying with me... Getting along. Getting about. Appreciating life. Not festering on the negatives... refocusing the mind on positives.

Going around now with this hairstyle, very very short, but so much cooler,
bearable in this heat...
So happy to have hair! :)

Goodbye empty apartment!

Whack a Mole, Results Not Terrific

YESTERDAY:
I am impatient.
It has been days.
I've been distracting myself.
Getting rid of stuff. Packing. Sorting. Selling items.
But I just want the clear scan results now.
Sigh.
I told myself today, at this time tomorrow, you'll know.
Didn't help my mind wandering.
There's so many what if's that have to be redirected at this time to the positive mantras.
Deep breath.
Calm thoughts.

Doesn't help that my wonderful husband is gone in the Philippines this week. Miss him tremendously.
There were complications while he was there and I'll be glad to simply get him home in one piece...

Results are tomorrow.
Waiting.
Hair is still growing in.
Eyebrows and eyelashes as well.
Stamina ebbs and flows. Mostly I'm overwhelmed by heat and humidity... Exhausts me as it does any normal person.

TODAY:
Thank you for the prayers, good wishes, and hope.
Received good news about work for me... will share once more official.
Grateful my husband is home in mostly one piece.
He was able to be there during the results appointment.
Well. The radiation and chemo cleared up the two worrisome areas- lung clear, lymph node near heart clear. (Clean and clear is pleasant to hear...)

Unfortunately, I have two new tumor sites.
That means two new cancer tumor areas.
One in chest cavity behind my lung by my back- on another lymph node.
One in my right adrenal gland beneath my liver.

My oncologist said that in Oregon he wouldn't recommend standard chemo since I had such a hard time the last two treatments. He thinks I might qualify for new therapy trials and would highly recommend I look into immunotherapy.

We asked if we stayed in Hong Kong what my oncologist would plan, he said radiation to the two new tumor areas to control growth but not to cure it.

So. Next? Going to see my new oncologist in Oregon the week after we move home. Have records, transfer papers and more...

Presently? In shock. Disappointed. Not too surprised. Sucks though. Cancer sucks. Feeling strong, just a little pain in my back (found out that's pretty much where one of the new tumors is located.) Wish it were different results.

My husband says that stage 4 cancer is like playing whack-a-mole. I agree.

Thanks as always for journeying with me... have a feeling this journaling is going to be continuing for quite some time...

Cha Cha Cha Chia

Last day of work, goodbye beautiful library!

It is funny to stare into mirrors. Sometimes I feel like I'm a science experiment. I've watched my hair sprouting out of my head and appreciated how resilient my body is.  It is sort of like watching a chia seed pet growing. Presently I see a shade of hair across my head more than the glaring baldness I saw before... But boy will it take a while to grow out. Decided to pop headbands on top of my head coverings lately, something different. Eyelashes are starting to grow back, slowly... eyebrows are starting to come back.

Was quite distracted this past week wrapping up work and making sure when I walked out of school on Friday I felt closure and success. Happy to be done. Hard to say good bye to everyone/everything. Kiddo had a hard time as well and began questioning why we were moving back and not staying for at least one more year. Sigh... Doing our best for him.

I've been dealing with a few too many distractions lately. Feeling ok overall but really working to focus on the positive and redirect negative thoughts and breathe, breathe, breathe.

Beach trip with kiddo to support husband's dragon boating endeavour.

In less than two weeks we move back to Oregon. Things are going quickly by... Had met up with some wonderful, special people to say goodbye... enjoying time with each one...

Pains have eased up. I quit the pain medication and am taking an anti-inflammatory that I don't plan to take for too long.  We're dealing with many bits and pieces of leaving Hong Kong presently. Paperwork and such. Happy my husband has headed out for another trip to the Philippines, his last dash to get a little more scuba diving in... the kiddo and I are enjoying time together...

Close to the end of work...

Staying focused on the positive. Clear scan, visualizing the results... Tried out a different qigong instructor and it was ok... looking forward to trying out a different instructor in the US... Shall see. Will miss my qigong instructor so much, she's been such a supportive person. We talked about how when I go to do the PET scan this coming Monday I can do qigong exercises... plus I plan to listen to a session of yoga nidra....

Grateful some friends at home are helping my parents with the move/transition of furniture and storage to our home... Exciting that some things will be in our home when we get back. Some of our belongings aren't going to arrive in Oregon for  two months... will be little treats coming home...

 Thanks as always for journeying with me... appreciating being done with work and focusing on enjoying this huge transition.

Newest picture... such a hot day but got thru the day walking walking walking.

Finding stamina increasing.

Yes, that is mandatory

Tried out new scarf tying style after watching
a video, I didn't mind it...

Today I told my oncologist that I believed that the PET scan that's happening in a little under two weeks was going to be clear. I love that he replied, "Absolutely, yes, that is mandatory." and then later after dealing with questions and wellness checks, he said "Now, I think we'll just focus on staying positive." Then he gave me the normal firm pat pat pat on my back. I really appreciate his attitude. I've been lucky to work with him.
My questions:
When will I have my PET scan? June 29th. When will I find out results? 4 days later.
Why in the world are my eyebrows coming out? It has been 5 weeks since the last chemo dose. His answer? This shouldn't continue. It isn't too out of the ordinary. (SIGH, have a feeling that the chemo meds will take a long long time to get out of my system, but on the positive side, hopefully they are helping me out while hanging out in my body!)
What can I do with pain medicine, can I just stop taking it? (I'd cut them in half for 3 days now, not feeling need to take as much as I had before... phew) The drugs are not addictive, you can just stop. (In the medication info it does say that it is addictive, so I'm glad I did it my way...)

Saying goodbye is hard. Staff goodbye...
Decided to wear a wig instead of being in yet another
hat/scarf mix... Holding back tears and sad...
but happy sad.

Job interviews and the unknown and decisions and packing and finishing work and goodbyes are... a little distracting, draining, worrisome. Repeating to myself, I will be well. Taking many long deep breaths. Things are working out. I'm doing ok.... BUT I'll be really grateful when there are less unknowns.
Now. I really appreciate how many people care about me. Today I got advice I appreciated, mostly. Hmm. Someone who mostly knows me and my ways told me that I needed to make sure I didn't overdo things in the fall because I'll still be healing for the next year. That I need to carefully make decisions about future work with that in mind. True.... but will see. Low stress is a goal. Happiness is a goal. Feeling fulfilled is a goal. Being inspired... is a goal. Shall see.
Going to be a few active days with wonderful people and wanted to give myself a little journaling time here now. Grateful to not see my oncologist as often. Expensive and important? Yes. Less feels healthier though. The nurses in the office were so kind and friendly. They're happy for me that I'm moving but acted quite reassured that I'd be back one more time... saying goodbye everywhere is... HARD.
Having fun with the students I am seeing.
Not having fun with cataloging at work, but that's just part of the job.
Enjoying time spent with colleagues though... especially my assistant.
Lucky me.
Thank you for journeying for me. Thank you for focusing on a clean scan. Really appreciate the support and positivity from my last post. Grateful grateful grateful.

Morning time... my most frequent combo-
bamboo/cotton hat with favorite scarf tied around.

Clean Scan - Support me please

Enjoyed visiting a Cat Cafe with my friend...
blogging on Styling Librarian about it in a few weeks.

I believe...

So.

I'm having a PET scan in a few weeks. Then I will have results a few days later. I believe the scan will be clear. No cancer. I need all my friends, family, loved ones to also have this thought for me. Let's take advantage of positive thoughts.

I'm feeling much better than a few weeks ago. Taking things day by day. I will be well. I am healing. It will take a while and I'll be a little different than I was before but I feel good about the future. There is so much to live for. So much to hope for. 

I want to see my son have his Bar Mitzvah. Be there for family celebrations. Watch my son graduate from High School. Attend college. Celebrate anniversaries and life events with my husband. Have new adventures. Enjoy time with friends and family... Continue a career that I'm passionate about... I have too many good things in my life and know the future is bright.

So.
Clean scan. It will be clear, all these things I've done for almost a year have been successful.
If you talk with me about the scan, focus on the positive. Believe it will be a clean scan with me.

I feel lucky because...
I can fully breath even with part of my lung removed.
My gum has healed and I might not need surgery for the area I was concerned about.
My fingernails are growing out and looking a little bit healthier.
My hair will grow back soon enough.
My energy level fluxuates but I can enjoy work without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
My stomach is feeling a little better.
I have job prospects. Shall see.
Family are excited for us to return home.
Our friends are excited for us to return home.
I have an oncologist and other team members lined up to help me once I'm home.
Things are somewhat falling into place with paperwork and moving details here. I've got good support as needed as well...

So much to be grateful for...

So.
Clean scan.
Think it.
Believe it.
Have faith and hope for me.

Thank you as always for journeying with me... grateful, grateful, grateful...

Just Exhausted

This week was good overall. I've been dealing with numerous Skype interviews for job positions in Oregon. Don't have anything I'd like to share about those interviews at this point. Just finding positive hope for the future as a teacher librarian/school library media specialist.
Visited with my oncologist this past Friday. I was happy I gained weight. I'm not happy I'm dependent on pain medication. He's happy with my progress. I've "turned the corner"... said he knows the last round of chemo was a bit aggressive and was really hard on me. He thinks June 29th PET scan will be fine. I don't have to see him for almost two weeks which is a first in many months... so many Dr. visits! Grateful insurance has at least covered the visits...
I'm presently exhausted. I know I can't control everything but am working hard to get utilities sorted at home and also in a few days I'll be dealing with closing accounts in Hong Kong... Job searches are interesting. Shall see.
Husband is dealing with my rare meltdowns... A pretty major one occurred tonight, feeling better once I have one... that release. Part of life, that being overwhelmed thing. As much as I focus on the positive and know I can't control everything, the things I can manage are piling up a bit... Thank goodness I have family and friends I can lean on at home. My parents are helping so much with everything and my sister and brother-in-law are helping a ridiculous amount as well... plus many friends helping me with the job interview/search/selection process... good to rely on them. Grateful to have people I can quickly Facetime/Skype when I'm overwhelmed.
Started shipping boxes by boat home... we'll arrive home before they do but that's ok.
Looking forward to the transition home even though every goodbye is so hard. Today we had our Jewish community final goodbye. Kiddo was fine with it but I had a hard time with it, hugs and such... such a wonderful community. So I've said goodbye to my wonderful writing community and teacher librarian community... next will be goodbyes with my cancer support group... work goodbyes will be close to the hardest... my close friend goodbyes will break me. Some friends I'm trying to see on a weekly basis because it is just so hard to imagine not seeing them consistently soon. Thank goodness for online connections... I know it isn't completely goodbye. These friends are like my family here so... will be hard but will get thru...
Thanks for journeying with me as always...

For those who like the idea of qigong, I'm planning to purchase videos from here for continued practice once I move away:
http://taichi18.com/online-video-course/silk/
Looks like I can watch many videos for free here as well:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEraxjZzHRVCvW9zqZl5bg

Did you just say "sewing machine"?

Another week buzzing by. Enjoyed these days at work and home...  Might be offline for a few weeks except a word here and there. Leaving my laptop at home while we travel this time. I'll have my iPad but am not as comfortable typing on that.

Grateful I booked an appointment with my acupuncturist on Tuesday. I was in a bit of pain in my back and chest. Plus my stomach wasn't treating me very kindly... the day after acupuncture treatment I felt incredibly better. Qigong that evening helped as well I'm sure... starting to make qigong part of my daily routine.

This afternoon I met the lymphedema specialist to see if there was anything I need to be concerned about or careful with and was quite reassured by the end of the appointment. I learned how to give myself a lymphatic massage and also he whipped out his sewing machine and created a compression garment that looks like half a corset made of stretchy fabric and foam cut to shape for my breast that has been painful since September. Just for sleeping though. Woo hoo to a solution that doesn't include something going over my shoulders. Thrilled. Presently I don't need to worry about my arm/legs but I need to be aware and careful of how they are feeling/doing.
If needed for friends in Hong Kong: Nathan Bridgeman was professional, thoughtful, helpful, and reasonably priced. http://www.cltvr.com.hk/mavista/cms/en/About_Our_Therapist
*I'm not quite over how quick he created the compression garment for me, this guy was a talented, experienced expert and I was thrilled to watch him make some of it on his sewing machine! Shall see how it helps me out. Doesn't feel like a torture device, just feels supportive. Plus, it was nice to work with an American who I didn't have to stumble with for communication...

There's nothing like having goals. Presently, there are many... but I'm not overwhelmed, yet.
First: trip to Bali. Grateful we were able to shift tickets and make this an affordable possibility. Especially happy that I have a break from treatment and can enjoy this with my family without being in a partial chemo stupor. (Fully admit, most of the first week of our trip to the Philippines I was knocked flat by chemo I'd received the day before our flight.)
Second: transition preparation. Getting thru paperwork. Getting thru purging. Going thru library projects so that things can be fantastic for the next teacher librarian and my lovely library assistant who has patiently dealt with project after project this term. I packed two boxes at school of personal items (bringing quite a bit less back to the US but that's ok). Going to begin using the postal system and mailing boxes home on a weekly basis.
Third: Chemo. Get thru the last to rounds. Meh.
Fourth: focus on the move to the US. We're down to 104 days until we're home. Wow. It is really going quick.

I'm trying to put cancer aside and enjoy the days. My husband did have to talk me down from a ledge last night when I started worrying about when I'd get the last two chemo treatments, etc. Shall see. He reminded me that worrying and wondering was useless until I see my oncologist in a few weeks.

Hey, there's more hair there!

It is funny to get so excited over hair. But I am. I got a little jolt when I noticed my baby fluff hair on my neck. Loved seeing my eyelashes back in full force. Nose hair? Meh, made me laugh. But having the hair on my head growing back makes me happy. It is odd how it is growing back but I see and feel curls! Hooray hair.

It is starting to hit me how much I will miss Hong Kong. I love the people I work with, they inspire me. I love my librarian friends, they provide such support, love and energy. I adore my Jewish community friends and am heartbroken to leave a community that I feel special and welcomed in... We have other wonderful friends that I'll miss too... Sigh. I know I've missed Oregon for the same reasons plus I miss my family a ridiculous amount but man, I will miss Hong Kong, it has embedded in me and there are so many things I think about on a daily basis that have helped me grow, stay calm, and learn over the past three years. Sigh. Had a good conversation today with my human resources contact who has helped me deal with the insurance nightmare and is quite kind and friendly... She was so relieved when she found out that I'm returning home to a job (I don't know what yet, but I'm hopeful/excited/happy) and that I'll have insurance. Yes, that is a big thing to be reassured by. She also liked that I'd be 5 minutes from my parents house... excited to move back into our old home... Very sweet woman. Appreciate the people that have been there for me and saved me over and over since August '13. 

I'm still glancing at my VirtueScope every day. (Helps to have it on the wall next to my side of the bed.) This is my month to focus on "resourceful"... Well, I've always felt that I'm pretty resourceful, but it has been a nice word to think about every morning. As a teacher librarian, I'm all about resources. As a blogger, I feel resourceful when I'm recommending books and websites and such. Hmm. Next month? Dignified. Hmm.

I sat down and counted out weeks. I've worked for 11 weeks now. Without needing to take a sick day. Wow. I didn't think that would be possible. Especially with still going thru chemo treatment in the beginning and all thru the darn radiation and side effects. 11 weeks. 5 1/2 weeks were radiation... After this holiday there will be 11 weeks more of work. Shall see how those weeks treat me. So grateful to my amazing recovering body. 

Well, thanks for journeying with me... shall try to post here and there while we're on this trip but never know about internet connectivity.

Radiation Plans plus Pacing

I love being back at school. I do not love the morning wake up. It is wonderful to see students again, colleagues, and have the chance to tackle projects... It is fun to teach and my colleages haven't pushed with expectations (thank goodness)- I'm teaching classes and appreciating a little work time here and there to do cataloging and projects.

We made a big decision that I shared on my other blog but not here yet... we are going to move back to Oregon in July. This is a very positive decision even though we are going to miss so many friends, connections, life here in Hong Kong... We know that without this third cancer diagnosis we'd be in a different place... but we're happy and excited about the changes, especially my son.

Now that I know we're headed home, I'm addressing all the projects around the library that have been put off. I want there to be a smooth transition with my replacement stepping in to that gorgeous setting without anything piled up...

Today my husband and I went to see the very negative radiologist. My husband has actually forgotten about meeting him before, I think this is because neither of us want to remember conversations with him, the most blunt person I've ever experienced... and I'm pretty darn blunt. I disliked all my past appointments with him but one thing is for sure, once I met with him, I felt confident that avoiding the local hospital was a good idea. This round of radiation is risky and worrisome and I do not want to risk my life in any way. The local hospital oncologist told my husband and I that he didn't think the radiologists would even be willing to radiate the area that needs treatment...

So. Radiation is next. This Saturday is my final (for now- 2 later) chemo treatment, just one drug, getting thru them. Not pushing myself. No fainting, a few moments of tiredness where I realized I needed to slow down but overall, getting thru work and home life. I'm taking advantage of elevators at work. Not walking the stairs as much. Walking up stairs tires me out more than anything else.
Radiation plan- much more money than past two experiences. This time the radiologist wants to go for six weeks of treatment. 30 LONG days...
Here's what he shared:
I have a connective tissue disorder, rheumatoid arthritis, that has created issues in the past. The first round of radiation for cervical cancer had to be ended early because of this. The second round for breast cancer wasn't shortened at all though... He's concerned with my ability to successfully get through this round since it is 6 weeks long, 5 days a week... and there could be "nasty reaction" to radiation since it could compromise my heart, lungs, esophagus, trachea, spinal cord... there could be significant side effects, especially my lungs since the radiation will be going through it. The area I'll have radiated is called the mediastinum... He said with the 6 weeks it would be 5400 radiation dose, normally the 6 weeks is a 6000 radiation dose but because of my connective tissue disorder he wants to be careful and do less.
Side effects he listed at this time are: fatigue, possible damage to important areas of body like heart and lungs, appetite decrease... I can work throughout the treatment though... the hospital is down the street from my school. For the last two rounds I walked for 14 minutes (timed it to a "t") checked in, had radiation, walked up to the other area outside the hospital where either I'd take a bus home - drops me off right near our apartment- or take a taxi if there isn't a terribly long line... Shall see how I do for this round.

My oncologist wanted to possibly have more radiated beyond the tumor which surprised me quite a bit. (supraclavicular regions) It was something new. The radiologist didn't want to do this due to my connective tissue disorder, I'll be checking with my oncologist when I see him on Saturday about this. It would be radiating my neck area on both sides... Hmm.

Here's some of the quotes from the radiologist I took down:
"We are trying to reduce the chance of cancer spreading.... Although, the chance of it spreading in your current diagnosis is high.... The objective of treatment is to control cancer and maintain your quality of life.... Chemo isn't curative for cervical cancer.... There is no cure for your stage of cancer..."

Gee thanks, thrilled to meet with you. Great for my attitude... and my husband's... not. Wasn't looking for a cure, moved beyond that word a long while ago...

I know my husband and I are both focused on the tumor at hand. Reducing it, getting rid of it. I know there are cancer cells bouncing around in my body. Obviously. They showed up in my lung for goodness sake. I also know that I'm trying my best to stay positive and have healthy practices with preventative practices as well...
Yup.
That's what I have to share today.

Enjoying the week at work... tired... glad I had qi gong last night with friends, learned a few new exercises that will be useful. Think my instructor is fantastic.
Thanks for keeping up on the journey with me, know I've been a little more quiet but honestly embracing my time at work and treasuring my time at home as well. Balancing in writing and journaling when I feel like doing so...