Many Hmmms but happy moments too

Happy day, visited favorite used bookstore yesterday.
Called- Flow Books- learned that it is closing/moving soon.
Hong Kong friends, get over there now!
Such a nice owner, hope he finds a new place to move to!
One of my new hats with an old scarf and a cute blue clip...
Thanks Mom!

It is incredible what a few days extra of recovery provide a body. Unfortunately, my stamina isn't completely there... I can still last for 3-4 hours but find myself getting pretty tired after that if I'm walking around. I haven't hit 10,000 steps again, my friend Sheli has each day though... we're wandering around Hong Kong between appointments and such.
Today provided us with a relaxed morning and an adventure out to Central for me to finally take the Satyananda yoga class that is provided through CancerLink. I really appreciated every minute of the class. The instructor was patient, knowledgeable, had a good sense of humor and introduced the yoga style in an easy fashion. I found that my range of motion isn't what it used to be. Five scars on my right side certainly have impacted me but I've healed a lot in the past months, the pain has resided so much. Giving myself time to heal and being patient, as much as I can...
I've talked with doctors and more than one mentioned that chemotherapy brings back up radiation treatment reactions, yep. At least it doesn't burn but the area where I had radiation in May certainly isn't happy skin. The scalp isn't quite healed but I've completed the antibiotics. #6 of 12 chemo treatments is tomorrow. It is a one drug day... not fun but quicker.
Saw my acupuncturist yesterday, appreciate his perspective... he lectured me on how to cook the eggs I'm eating and encouraged me to eat two a day. He also has been helping me focus on letting go of worries, etc during treatment, that's pretty wonderful and helpful...
Was chatting with Sheli today about my hair as I've noticed it growing out a tiny bit. Am wondering how much will be there by #12, hair still is falling out constantly but not sure... Also curious to see the state of my eyebrows and eyelashes by then, my oncologist thinks that they won't fall out. Hmm. Taking it day by day.
Sorted out my daily supplements and medicine today and there are a lot. I chatted with Sheli about how it would be nice to figure out how to cut back on them somehow... but I just keep adding. Hmm.
Was bit 8 times the other day by mosquitoes- even though I did put on bug repellant, hmm. Glaring at insects doesn't really work folks... but I have noticed that my coconut oil/slippery elm bark mix really does help my skin calm down and mostly heal! Happy that I tried it out... not quite perfect but darn lot better than it could be!

*Received the most thoughtful video created and made by my former school's staff from Ridgewood Elementary. So, so touched. At first I couldn't believe they did it all for me... but they did. They created a lip-sync sing along video with different grade level teams competing against one another... for me to choose a winner (impossible) to show their love and make me laugh... and laugh (and cry) I did. So touched. So grateful. I want to share it here but it is unlisted and I know there could be some copyright issues and I want to keep rewatching it in the future! Thank you to my Ridgewood friends... so grateful, feeling loved on this end...

Thanks for keeping up with the journey... really appreciate all the support through this time... can't believe I'm already on week 6 of chemo...

Learning more

I've been quietly learning more these past few days.
Learned about green smoothies and mindfulness from a few books I'm reading.
Learning more about Qigong and really appreciating the practice. Something I'm trying to do daily versus just once a week during the class session.
I attended a workshop today about the Yuen method today, thought it was fascinating, shall be contemplating the practice over the next week. Seems like something I can do naturally- when having a negative thought, redirect to positive, spin it, connect with energy and let go of past issues that might be holding back growth and healing. There's much more to it than that... Here's a website that explains a little bit: http://www.yuen-hk.com/

I've also been watching a video series called "The Truth about Cancer"- every day another hour is released and has some interesting research and information shared. After each day's showing, the videos are pulled off and the next video is available, so I'm learning while available. The big things I've already understood but appreciated hearing again- immune system is what must be supported, drinking green tea and eating raspberries/blueberries are good for fighting cancer, sugar is pretty much poison to cancer patients... it feeds the cancer cells, so starve them.... I find it fascinating that at my oncologist's office there's candy out ready for patients, yikes. But I'm not of the mindset that natural fruit is a bad thing or that fresh vegetable/fruit juice combination could be bad... Focus on the liver and gut are the first things to resolve. This is what my nutritionist told me I needed to do months ago. I've been trying... Chemotherapy doesn't help things for sure with my immune system but I'm going to believe that what I'm doing is going to help, the combination of modern medicine and all the alternative supplements, dietary, mental, physical approaches I'm trying will help me survive and thrive...
http://thetruthaboutcancer.com/live/episode2.php
I appreciated that there were time-stamps for listening to specific people vs the whole hour- although I certainly watched the whole thing...

1 minute 58 seconds - Dr. Rashid Buttar
19 minutes 39 seconds - Bob Wright
36 minutes 15 seconds - Bob Wright again

Still drawing/coloring each day, really is cathartic to be honest, so happy I'm back to making this a habit. Also enjoying the gratitude journaling. I also love poetry, I receive a couple doses of poetry every day in my email inbox, this one today caught my attention... (I also received some poems from beautiful friends lately, appreciated them as well...)
Poem of the Day from the Poetry Foundation- Chemo Side Effects- Memory

Was a little more focused on quiet time and walking out an about than on writing these past few days. Enjoyed visiting a new bookstore with my husband. Trying out hats and scarves lately, haven't worn my wig for a week, but honestly, I want to get my scalp issues cleared up first...
My scalp is still driving me bananas and I do not believe that my oncologist knows what to prescribe for it... have tried his method for 4 days, will probably switch back to natural methods after I see him tomorrow. Tried to be respectful for a while but having a teen acne breakout on your scalp kinda sucks big time.
I'm back to chemo tomorrow and then my wonderful friend arrives the next day, so excited to see her and have quality time together. My husband and son are ready for their China adventure, they have their visas and they're reading to go, oh boy for them! I'm looking forward to the pictures and stories they'll have. Here's hoping some of the Mandarin my kiddo is learning at school might help them while on adventures.

Not so muddled thoughts

Taking breaks actually creating a little art has been nurturing. Glad I'm trying #Inktober where you create art with ink, doesn't have to be something complicated, each day in October. I like daily challenges like this, gives me a little focus and let's face it folks, I like focus... if you hadn't noticed that about me already.

So grateful for Give Forward fundraiser, relief is palpable. Thank you x 1000 to my friend Erika for pushing me to be open to gifts and to all who have gifted with words, support, and financially. Overwhelmed but appreciative....

Chemo effects from 3rd session of 12. I'm not sure how I feel about things at the moment. A little different than last two session reactions which I'll accept, it was a two medicine session so each week will be a little different. I was surprised to have not so much nausea. Instead I'm dealing with upset stomach, scalp freaking out, three crazy itchy mosquito bites from 4 days ago- they're easing up a little bit thank goodness for calamine lotion I'd forgotten I bought- normally I get welts with every mosquito bite but with my healing being inhibited by drugs the biggest welt actually got a blister... crazy, and a dry bloody nose - not bleeding- learned that I should... not blow my nose! Fabulous....

Honestly I'm also dealing with a little anger. My best friend was relieved that when we Skyped I wasn't as positive and happy as usual. I won't go into what made me angry but it is justified and I'm figuring out how to manage addressing the conflict so that it won't hang over my head. Not worth my worry a few years from now, so just trying to address and deal. As many who know me well I do have a few control issues and have worked to learn how to let go a little... sometimes that backfires.

Chatted with my wonderful life coach and got the BEST advice from her, besides figuring out how to get my bottom into the chemotherapy chair every week, how to calm myself at night... this is something I already have done in the past but I just hadn't done it in the evening! Are you ready for what gave me a good night's sleep for the first time in almost two months? Drumroll... Legs up the wall. Yep. Place a yoga mat on the floor next to the wall, put your legs up the wall with your bottom against the wall... hooray. Deep breathing, meditation, and a little quiet thinking helped me relax. 20 minutes later I quietly climbed into bed and actually fell asleep. Amazing. Much better to try this vs. resorting to sleep medication! Learned that if you have high blood pressure you can't do this though, careful my friends...

Enjoying qi gong still... appreciating the energy focus, health focus, and friends who attend...
One friend told me tonight that I should investigate answers to some of my health issues online... so grateful for the reminder. Found that my scalp issues occur with so many people who are dealing with chemo. I know I'm not the only one but wow to the resources once you start looking. After sorting thru many, I appreciated the tips for scalp issues here:
http://cincovidas.com/chemo-side-effect-red-painful-welts-on-my-scalp%E2%80%94what-can-i-do/
But of course will check in with my oncologist on Saturday about new not-so-fun symptoms as well...
Also trying out drinking brown rice water to help my stomach calm down a little. Shall see how that goes now that I'm going to drink it three times a day. I do so love drinking horchatas but this certainly wasn't. No added sugar and a little cinnamon does not a horchata make... but shall accept shortcomings if I can feel a little better.

Here are a few of my little #Inktober sketches, makes me happy to pick up a sketch pad again. Funny that I was never far from one all through my life until I was around 22... found a similar sketch pad to one I used to scribble in all the time, nice to have a different outlet for expressing thoughts. Just having fun with pen/markers... haven't felt like drawing on my iPad, etc... a drawing pad is enough for me!

I love my dog... watching her peacefully sleep is a new way for me to pass the time, always so grateful for her companionship...

I used to have a hedgehog... still slightly obsessed about them but I'll NEVER own one again. They are disgusting creatures... *I loved my little one and treated him very well... but NEVER again. There's a kid's story there, I'm working on sorting it out in my mind presently...

A special friend requested that I try out drawing a horse in honor of her birthday... used to draw unicorns all the time as a kid, I was one of those unicorn daydreamers, but this was... ok.

I love "Dot Day" each year and a friend asked me if I'd created my dot for this year yet... no I hadn't... grateful she suggested it, was fun to think about what represented me presently but also it was odd because the picture reminded me of my school's logo...

A good friend and I shared a birthday, she brought me flowers when we spent our birthday afternoon together... loved them, good challenge to get on paper.

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do.