Well Darn. That explains a little.

I just adore my guys...

Today is Yom Kippur.
Today is my husband's birthday.
Today I couldn't swallow.
Seriously.
I've had trouble swallowing for weeks now. Keep saying I'm having trouble. Had nausea because of it I think.
So.
I got up to prepare to go to services for Yom Kippur this morning with family.
Got ready feeling a little shakey but ok overall until I finished taking my supplements and went for a bite of food. It felt stuck in my throat.
I told my husband, "Something's really wrong." Laid down on the couch. Didn't help.
Laid down in bed. Said sorry to family about missing services- glad they went without me.
After an hour I wrote my oncologist's office.
Said "I can't swallow and it is weird."
They called within a few hours.
Told me to go see my primary care physician. He was available so I went to see him mid-day.
He was concerned. I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Seriously. So frustrated about this.
He said, "Well, we have a good thing, you can still drink liquids, so you can gain weight with liquids." Yeah sure. Man, I LOVE food. I'm not pleased.
He sent me for an x-ray to see if there was some obstruction. Couldn't see anything on the x-ray. Found my scan interesting though since my internal organs have shifted a bit since my lower lung on the right is gone.
He told me I had to get a CT scan with a contrast = needle.
He performed a miracle and got one for me an hour later.

Quiet waiting room for my mom while I got the scan.

Then his nurse performed a miracle and got my insurance to approve of it within the 40 minutes it took for me to get there with my mom (I picked her up, needle = I want my mom!!! Or a loved one for support!)
The center I went to was terrific. NOT a hospital. All they do is scans, they are focused on you. That's the way to go in my opinion.
The wonderful person was able to get a line in me, quickly zip me in and out of the CT machine, put the contrast in me, again zip me in and out of the CT machine and I was done.
I've been avoiding scans.
Last week my physician's assistant (who I loved) really wanted to scan me right away but I told her I really didn't want more things zapping me/being pushed into me... can't avoid it now Debbie!

Got home.
Watched the end of the documentary on the comedian Tig on Netflix- I recommend it, loved it.
Snuggled with my dog.
Got the call.
My primary care physician called me and gave me news.
Blech.
I should have called my husband in and put the dr. on speakerphone.
Didn't realize the brain dump I'd receive... good Dr. though.

So, the tumor of my lymph nodes that was always near my esophagus/heart that was 1.5 cm or so is now 3 or so cm. It is like a little cluster of grapes going down my esophagus and ending near my stomach. There are many enlarged lymph nodes...
They could be going into my muscle wall of my esophagus and slowing down my swallowing.
This could be the reason I've felt pain in my chest, this could be why I've been throwing up, this could be why I feel like when I swallow food is stuck when it gets down to my chest, this could be the reason I've been nauseaus, this could be the reason for many things. Sigh.

The doctor then went on to say that since surgery has been ruled out they probably will discuss radiation. If I continue to worsen, I'd need to have a feeding tube... seriously!! That blew my mind.
Not happy.

The doctor said he'd be calling my oncologist/physician's assistant in the morning and discussing my case and then someone will contact me with more thoughts.
So.

I was not thrilled.
It is Yom Kippur.
It is my husband's birthday.
We went over to my parents and had a party for my husband.

My husband's kind of birthday cake- pumpkin pie!!

We had fun.
We laughed.
I ATE FOOD.
First I ate my mom's homemade matzoh ball soup. Felt fine.
Then I ate some avocado. YUM.
Then I had a few pieces of cheesy bread, because I wanted it.
Then I had a piece of pumpkin pie. Because I could.
Then I had a chocolate chip cookie. Because YUM. It is my favorite treat.
Then I had some grapes. Because I could.
So there. I ate. I didn't gag. I didn't throw up (I did throw up last night when I tried to swallow some supplements, it just isn't happening at night).

I love my sister and brother-in-law, they make me laugh and share
share so much love and happiness with everyone...

I ate.
I will give myself time.
I will get up earlier so I don't feel rushed.
I'll eat softer foods.
I'll boost my weight.
I will not deal with a freaking tube (I hope, stubborn Debbie digging in her heels.)

I'm sure I could turn this into a Laura Numeroff story- If you give a mouse a cookie... but naah.
I ate. That's enough.
My family is the best.
I love them.
I'm so lucky.
I'm so glad to be home with them.
My parents saved the day with our kiddo.

My parents are the best. Seriously.

Nope, we didn't plan the Peanuts matching gear. Just how we think.

My husband was able to recover from an interview, flat tire, and get home without worrying about our kiddo thanks to my dad picking him up...
My mom was there with me for the scan. The nurse said "You have a really sweet mom." And I said "Yes, yes I do."
I feel so lucky.
Thank you to all my family and friends who are pulling for me and praying for me. I appreciate it. I feel the support. Even in those low moments today, I know I'm loved and supported.
Thanks for keeping up on my journey. The ups and downs of it. Thanks for reading my long drawn out journals. They help me think out things... and hopefully help wonderful people understand what's going on...

Being Patient and appreciating life...

Happy to see a little curve to my hair growing out.

Taking deep breaths and being patient. Yup. In the waiting zone again.

Here's to never having to deal
with urine collection again,
I hope.

Turned in a huge jug of urine yesterday to the lab at the hospital so they could make sure I don't have a tumor  in my adrenal gland that can't be biopsied... Waiting to find out results and be scheduled for the biopsy.
Collecting urine in a jug isn't the most pleasant experience. I could do without that for the rest of my life. Collecting it for 24 hours was a little annoying but it was quick and it is done. Wish all medical procedures and things could be done in 24 hours.
I am patiently trying to deal with insurance as well. Juggling between two companies as I switch Sept. 1st to my school district's insurance and stop paying out of pocket.
Feel like we've been bleeding money this past month but we expected it would be an expensive transition. Thank goodness we've been propped up by family and friends along the way.
Grateful to have a comfortable home. Know how lucky I am with this.
Grateful my husband is getting interviews. Let the right job reveal itself.

My poor sweetheart, heartbroken each time I
put this on but I know that it helps, especially at
night...

Grateful my kiddo is healthy and dealing pretty well with this huge transition back to Oregon. Let him find good friends when school begins...
Very upset about our sweet Dulcie dog. She went to the vet the other day because we were concerned with how she was chewing on a new sore on her back right leg. Found out it was sarcoma... and a surgery wouldn't help. :( Damn cancer. Appreciating every minute we have with our sweetheart. She's such an incredibly beautiful good dog.

I'm excited about work.

She's finding comfortable places to
lie down in our home... Love how at
peace she is...

I'm hopeful.
Shall see how everything goes.
Feeling stronger.
Enjoying hair growing out- it is just starting to show that hint of a curl. Noone should have to lose their hair, especially twice. Feel like my identity is still with me but one of my main distinguishing features has been temporarily eliminated... Don't get me wrong, I love having hair again... just dreading finding out what "targeted therapy" treatment options my doctors will advise after the biopsy and such is complete.
Getting along.
Appreciating life.
Missing qigong so much.
Going to try going to a class on Monday next week, shall see.
Grateful to my friends and family for being the initiators of meet ups, etc... I'm not that busy but appreciate not being the only one reaching out to others...
Thanks for journeying with me. Appreciating the energy I have... and time I have this month to relax...

Ping Ping Ping

Appreciated this from Facebook...

Enjoyed the weekend, dealt with pain, coughing, and such but really appreciated time with family plus downtime. Coughing is easing up a teeny tiny bit...

Getting thru the days. Enjoyed getting back to yoga classes on Saturday. Missed for weeks. Will miss next Saturday but that's just one time...

Noticing hair coming out. Run my fingers thru the hair and get 3-5 hairs. My husband said "So don't do that!" But it is honestly itchy until I do do that... One went PING onto my food plate last night. Sigh. I'm NOT going to shave it off though.
Presently, hair falling out is nowhere near like when my amazing hair stylist thinned my thick hair around a year ago. Annoyed to deal with hair loss again. I've been dreading this for way too long. Good to just have it happening already.

Took a good walk with a good friend this afternoon. Helpful to talk out things for a while. Helped me realize that I'm getting concerned about too many things. I addressed many worries tonight, made some decisions about insurance situations that were weighing on me and more... Feeling calmer.
There are many, many unknowns right now, but when is there a time when there aren't? Focusing on having faith that things will work out they way they were meant to. Also focusing on a clean bill of health, no self sabotage. Sure, I'm addressing my frustrations, acknowledging when I feel despair but also trying to turn those thoughts to positives...
Next Saturday I'll get thru chemo. Last time. Getting there.

Mutts Comics plus Kris Carr = brilliance. Loved.

Went out yesterday and did a little swing dancing with my love. So wonderful to be dancing, to be spun around, to work as partners in that way. I just love dancing with my husband. I also simply love dancing. I've made it a goal that I'll be able to have the stamina to do zumba again. With qigong and yoga helping me get stronger, it is possible.

Thanks for journeying with me...

Off to dance.

If only I could get this comfortable and sleep as soundly as our sweet Dulcie dog.
She's doing a little better...

Only 2 more

Getting thru the days. Enjoyed visiting an Indian Food restaurant, delicious place. My husband said, "Wow, I'd get this takeout food every day if I could get you to eat this much at every meal." Nice to have an appetite and like food... PLUS we ordered take-out the next day from the same place, y-u-m. Yes, I'm addicted and my husband is ever so supportive...
I'm quite happy that I'm looking at final two treatment days. Pretty exhausted. Painful to deal with treatment but I'm grateful to not be burned on the skin this time. I think the main thing bringing me down right now is the shoulder and neck pain I've had since the first day of treatment. Putting that right arm over my head has exacerbated the pain... not certain how to handle it.
Normally I'd put ice on a pained area or a heat pack but I recently sat through a presentation about lymphedema and one of the recommendations was that I avoid a sauna, hot tub, or anything that makes my skin pink... also I'm supposed to avoid having anything freezing on my skin. That makes things quite limiting.
I learned also about how lymphedema occurring in different quadrants based on how the lymph nodes work... Unfortunately, I've had lymph nodes compromised in 3 areas of my body. With the cervical cancer, they harvested lymph nodes. With the breast cancer, they harvested lymph nodes under my right arm- go figure, it is my right shoulder that's in pain... With the metastatic cervical cancer, they removed a portion of my lymph nodes near my heart, those are the ones that are getting radiated presently. Think I should see a specialist to check on my lymph nodes, learn if I need compression sleeve, etc. Shall be chatting with my oncologist about this on Saturday when I see him next. Quite disconcerting but good to be aware I suppose.
Now to finish my long countdown from 30 to 0. Will be really happy to get there finally.
My husband snuck this picture of me when I was snuggling with our dog today. I'm pretty darn fatigued lately... My hair is growing in quite nice but I know it could all go away with those last two chemo treatments, sigh. Shall see. Personally the thing that stands out to me is my eyelashes since they are mostly returned now... I somewhat almost can see myself and see a healthy person again...
Thanks for journeying with me, really grateful...

Dog and Hair and other mind meanderings

 My Dulcie dog is snoring next to me. I adore her. I did learn something though. I lied to myself, I lied to others. Dulcie is actually 14.5 years old, not 13 (I feel like I've lost 1.5 years of life with her) oops. I honestly knew this, I think. She's going to turn 15 right after we move back to Oregon. Oh boy.
Getting older is the pits sometimes, can't believe my girl is over 100 already. I'd love to get older though, wouldn't complain at all. Love life...

So, hair. It is growing out. I learned from many others who share their experiences that your bangs area is the slowest one to grow out... sigh. That's where all my grey is. Shall see.
Wig. I'm wearing it, still doesn't feel like me, still flops in my eye and makes me miss my curls...
I've talked with a few good friends who have honestly told me about when they quit wearing their wigs and went public. Personally, I know my hair is long enough now that I could be free of the wig. I know it. I'm just not ready for the shock I'd give my students.
1. Because it is so darn short
2. Because it is so darn grey
3. Because it is so darn straight
4. Because the darn chemo might make it fall out again after radiation...
Shall see.

My kiddo took a picture of it. (One friend took a weekly picture of her hair to see the progress of the grow out. It was interesting. Appreciate her trust and support...)
I know I need to wait 3-6 months after chemo before I can dye my hair... so says websites and such.
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/using-hair-dye-after-chemo

This also was a little more helpful... more about natural hair dye: (I just want to be brown, no bleaching, etc... sure wouldn't mind trying out henna, hmm.)
http://www.herbatint.co.uk/herbatint/features/herbatint-article.php?id=50

I went to an organic shop and picked up henna hair dye and will try it out sometime. Talked with my oncologist and he said he didn't think I should waste money dyeing my hair since it will possibly fall out again with the two other rounds of chemo... sigh. Told me he was concerned about damaging my hair- (MORE than chemo has damaged my hair?!) Not like I'm bleaching it... ;)
Shall see.

I'm almost half way thru radiation. Day 15 on Monday. I can feel it. Honestly. In my chest it is like a little ball of pain. Hopefully that pain is all the cancer cells dying. I really appreciate the weekend. My oncologist prescribed me with three more medicines- one is acid reducer- returning to taking this after being free of it for 4 weeks. He said it is to protect my esophagus...  I somewhat find it funny that on the back of the box there a "poison" sign?!
Then he prescribed me with Sucrate gel that I'm supposed to take 1 hour before I eat- sigh... the timing of that couldn't be worse- shall see how I do- it is to coat my throat down thru my stomach to help me out if I get worse- don't have to take it yet... He also prescribed me this cough syrup called Comephen- there's codeine in the ding dong stuff, not at all excited. Plus sugar is part of the ingredients of the syrup. The coughing while teaching has sucked but I'm not certain it is bad enough for me to be on codeine! Shall see. 

Loved the weekend because I enjoyed wearing a hat the whole time vs a wig... freedom- a little bit.
Enjoyed hanging out with family and friends this weekend, grateful for the time AND energy. Also appreciating yoga on Saturday mornings, good to have the class to learn in and help my body heal in... amazing how much I've back slid physically compared to my time in yoga three years ago. Working on being very patient with my body as I take the class.

While I was browsing the web I learned more about nail care, good info... almost every one of my nails lifted/separated from the nail bed up to a certain point around the beginning of December. Painful, yes. Seemed to heal though (visible still yellow/blue/green, yuck) but this is good info since I have to deal with a little more chemo:
"For home care, patients with signs of infection in separated nails can soak their fingers or toes in a solution of white vinegar and water for 15 minutes every night. It kills the bacteria and dries the areas out." - http://www.webmd.com/ovarian-cancer/features/appearance-during-chemo?page=4

Well, thanks for journeying with me... time is starting to fly by as I realize we're moving home in 5 months. Wow.

Slow and steady week

Well. I've had a lovely but really slow week. I enjoyed various quieter activities through the week. Also, it was a harder week because I had to pace myself. That's not fun. I think my blood count might be down... or something... maybe a bug of some kind. My stomach isn't being kind, I'm not sleeping quite well, I feel weaker and am shaken after things that last week were simple, and I'm learning to just take it easy... speak up for myself... appreciating the little gifts of life.

Finding myself quite productive on my blog and avoiding my picture book manuscript writing. Amazing how quickly I can be productive when I'm avoiding things. I also have read a load of books this week and LOVED them. Grateful for my version of comfort food- eating books voraciously.

Fainting on Monday honestly threw me. I was chatting with my yoga instructor today about it. He pointed out that fear of fainting again probably presides over my mind and will likely slow me down if I don't relax and redirect my thoughts. Shall try. But at the same time also trying to read my body and know what my limits are... it's a whole new world learning to go slow.

Chemo tomorrow- 3rd cycle of 4 weeks, first week= 3 drugs, sigh. Not looking forward to it but do have good company, grateful.

Tried out one of the Yoga Nidra videos. Glad to learn another peaceful practice outlet, feel like I'm exploring so many things...
Got (I think) a little good news from my insurance company... I think... shall see... will get things sorted out eventually... I think. Having a little hope.
Also feeling blessed by friends and family, thank you to all... still so grateful that Sheli and Rachel visited...

Mostly, honestly, I'm just worried about my sweet dog right now. She's 14 and is my baby still. My constant companion, especially for each round of my fighting cancer... she's comforted me through recovery from three surgeries and when I look, she's watching me... or she's asleep. She has many lumps and bumps on her body... my husband and I agreed it was part of her aging. She doesn't get around as much as she used to but she's still eating and drinking fine, still hangs out with her people in whatever room we are in (although she is Daddy's girl, so mostly wherever my husband is if he's home) and seems like a pretty contented dog. I noticed last week that one big black bump was getting a little larger on her back right leg. She started licking it as well. :( Poor girl gets a little nutty once she starts licking something. Two nights ago she started chewing it. My husband brought her to the vet who said it needed surgery... but at the vet clinic their machine that puts animals to sleep is broken so we'd have to wait for TWO WEEKS before getting the surgery. We've asked for a referral to a different clinic and are looking into it because now she's wearing the cone of shame since she pulled the bandage off and chewed on herself again this morning... (it is not pretty and I'm the one who does the medication, cleaning, wrapping... which is fine but YUCK.) Plus my husband and I both lost sleep last night worrying about her chewing- thank goodness she has that collar on for this night... so I'm trying not to worry. Minor surgery. But she's not that happy presently which makes me not so thrilled either. Sigh.

Off to bed now... sleep hopefully will come and then in the morning, hooked up again to the drip drip drip of drugs.

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do.