Pulling Rabbits out of Hats and #13 Chemo

Feeling a little... tired of my oncologist. Think a break is in order- 8 days away. It hit me last night that I haven't been away from home for four months. I know many people don't get to travel/get away from home at all for years, but for me, I think I'm going a little stir crazy and am so excited to get away a bit.

Today my "counts" were done. Not happy. Not thrilled. Have to go back quickly tomorrow morning for an injection of Neulastim to help boost my white blood cell production. Heard it will hurt in joints, will take some medicine for that as well. I can sneak this treatment in right before my kiddo's birthday celebration...
http://www.neulastim.co.nz/what-you-need-to-know/
I did gain weight, I am quite pleased with my progress. The wonderful oncologist nurse who is the most honest and helpful bluntly said to me, "You know, that could be water retention from the Taxal you're on, so let's keep an eye on that..." sigh. I'm still eating double at most meals and trying my best to get healthy food into my system. Stomach isn't always lovely but it is fluxuating.

So, I talked with my oncologist about treatment, gave him the article I'm curious about, and began my 4th round of chemo. Took a really long time, enjoyed a podcast and reading an eBook and snoozing since I was on my own this time. 8:30-2:30... (Good I was on my own though, another day of 6 chemo patients all lined up getting treatment...) I was able to catch the MTR over to my last yoga class with the instructor I like/respect. Have notes, will try to keep up with practices shared. Mindful walking is a good one that I can do anytime with a focus on breathing and peacefulness.

My oncologist pulled another rabbit out of a hat. Super frustrated but so much is unknown you never know. He said today, "So after you're finished with radiation, I would like to do two more rounds of chemotherapy if your body can handle it." I honestly squawked a little and he acted like we'd talked about this before. Hmm. (Husband mentioned that he didn't remember anything about this... Glad I'm not going nuts.) He pointed out that this 4th round is to shrink the tumor and then a 5th and 6th round would be for cleaning up any cancer cells ping ponging around in my body after radiation. Not sure about this white blood cell count going down. Shall see how I'm doing and take things carefully, no assumptions needed.

I'm honestly feeling pretty strong although a few people at the yoga session mentioned I was pale. I think anyone would be pale after sitting in a chair getting chemicals pumped into their body and then speed walking around Central to make it to a yoga class. Shall take it carefully next week. Have permission note to return to work next Wednesday-Friday working full time, then continuing after the holiday. Will take things one day at a time, can't worry about what I don't know, can't fret about energy, will just stay positive about getting to work and enjoy being around people I've missed for three months. My concern is dealing with negative nellies and having to redirect their conversation with their worries about me in every interaction. Already happening right and left and it isn't what I'd like to have conversations about... staying positive is what I want. Shall see, can't control others and their worries, assumptions, and caring concerns. Can just control my reactions, right? I know people have the best of intentions and I also know some will be assuming/wondering things like, "What is Debbie doing back at work? Is she going to faint on us? Can she handle the workload/teaching? Isn't her immune system to weak too be around a school?" I have no idea, can just have positive attitude and enjoy time there with the best of intentions to fulfill work obligations and keep my health as a priority simultaneously. My kiddo has been faithfully introducing germs my way as is my husband who works at another school, so not assuming anything, just going to be careful. Might be slipping a mask on when I see an especially sick group of kiddos, already wrote to my wonderful school nurse and asked for hand sanitizer which I will be applying throughout out the day! I already have things sorted a bit for instruction and am looking forward to catching up with students and staff.

Received this lovely scarf/hat from a wonderful friend- 

thanks Debra, perfect timing as it is getting a little chilly now.

I actually went to the store the other day and picked up a few pairs of leggings/pants since I was swimming in pairs I have and a little desperate for different selections, 

so happy to find ones that actually fit.

*Yes, I'm noticing my eyebrows and eyelashes are thinning,
part of life... Happy to be here.

Thanks for journeying with me...

Quality time and new headgear

There's a lot to be said for taking it easy...

Stanley Market has a vast array of selections,
quite distracting and entertaining!

The day after the adventure ie. fainting, Sheli and I both hit 10,000 steps on our Fitbits but we paced things very carefully. It was fun to show Sheli Stanley Market and my favorite restaurant over there plus we rode the Star Ferry in the evening and met up with one of my favorite Hong Kong friends, shall share about that on my other blog though... days seem to be going by quickly. Now today I didn't hit that many steps, Sheli did, but we had quite the adventure locating a building in Admiralty so I could get to my chanting class. Found it and was only 20 minutes late (we gave ourselves 25 minutes to find it, we were really puzzled... I now know how to get there easily- phew.)

So, today was the beginning of two classes that I've registered for through CancerLink... Chanting. It was something I had very little knowledge about. The chanting class was almost like a sing along for part of it, almost like a yoga beginning pose for a while, and also lovely chanting for another portion... I have quite the packet of papers from the class and will look them over during the week. I think I honestly appreciate Qigong more. Might be because I'm familiar with it and more comfortable... The most interesting part of the class for me was the closing chant we did because I noticed it was recorded/played from Zen Master Thich Naht Hanh whom I just finished reading his book You Are Here: Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment. Funny how things are interrelated sometimes. I appreciated the instructor's sentiment, perspective, and style, shall see how next week's class goes. The other class I'm going to attend is yoga on Friday. Shall see how that goes. I love yoga, just hoping it is a style that works for me. I really miss the Iyengar yoga form that I did for years...

My mom sent me a birthday present a while ago and it took over three weeks to arrive... but arrive it did today! Was wonderful. I now have numerous new headwraps that work well with scarves and also pretty flower clips as well... what a lovely treat. It is nice to have new options, feeling a little styling... I do love my pink hat but now have many more choices and all so breathable.  THANK YOU MOM, I LOVE YOU!!! Also, thank you to Claudia for the lovely scarf I wore today with it, received many kind compliments from fellow cancer patients at the Chanting class...

For those who want to know more about the head wrap, it is a wonderful creator who makes them and sells at Etsy- Suzanne Petrosino-Goldstein, you can wear the wrap many ways, I'm wearing it as a turban but it can also be a head covering, wide headband, or skullcap. My mom also ordered for me this cooling strip for me to wear under the head wrap if I'm feeling hot... it has little microbeads that keep it cool for a while... very nice gifts to have.

https://www.etsy.com/hk-en/shop/BasicallyWrapped

Thanks for keeping up on the journey, a little quicker share this time but... just appreciating quality time with Sheli, this is quite the gift.

Ho Hum Hat, Hair Loss Thoughts

So, we have a sweet fourteen year old dog who I adore. I love snuggling with her. She's adorable. Seriously. She's been my constant companion but is honestly daddy's girl. I'm good with this. You see, I'm a bed hog. I don't want a loving dog sleeping between my legs, chin on my ankle or any other sort of endearment, I need my space... (My poor husband.) And so... she knows she can snuggle with AH (Amazing Husband) any old time she wishes, just as long as she shifts a little when I'm around.
Why do I bring her up? Because she's calmed me this past week. Snuggled. Watched over me. And been the sweetest thing... Quite grateful.

Here's the look she gave me most of the time... 

'Are you going to pet me? Notice me, I'm right here!'

So, thinking about losing my hair totally blows. I've been appreciating it every day for years... Sure, I hated those curls for a number of years. Especially during my afro hair stage in middle school... But for years now, I love these frizzy, hard to control, boinging curls... sigh. So, I'm approaching the next round of this fight carefully. I'm working on my food regimine with a focus on gaining a little more weight. Enjoying the opportunity to have some healthy walking every day... and thinking about how to deal with hair loss. Now, I know, I'm not finding out my chemotherapy protocol yet but I am trying to be realistic here... It is more than likely that I'll lose the hair. (Not to mention my eyebrows and eyelashes, yikes!!)

A lovely friend shared with me a hat that she thought worked well during her chemo treatment... got me on a mission. A few days later I found a hat that could cover my head... found two actually. And a scarf... Thank goodness I found them when I was taking a walk with a friend so I could get her opinion on them, there were so many choices in the market we were at! I was a little overwhelmed but successfully chose two.

So my dog. Why did I bring her up? Because she barks at people wearing a hat. She barked at me ages ago when I came into the house wearing a hat and then quickly stopped... so I thought I'd better wear the hat for a day. For myself to see if I could handle it... for my sweet dog so she sees me wearing the hat before I really have to wear it. And also for my son, so that seeing me in a hat or other head covering becomes a little more natural before I deal with chemo side effects more drastically. 

Wearing a hat is hot. Especially in Hong Kong where the temperature is in the 90's plus HUMID. I feel like I'm hiding underneath it. But kiddo and dog didn't even blink twice at me wearing a hat. It was helpful a little bit with the sun glare but overall, meh, ho hum hat. Not so excited about that... Goodness knows how wearing a wig would feel. I'm looking into it all now though so that I can feel like I'm taking control, addressing what I can vs. feeling angst over the unknown.

My surgeon took off two of the three bandages on me today. It was freeing and honestly a little scary. He didn't want me to put on steri-strips to protect the skin while it healed which I had to do after the lumpectomy/lymph node check during round two of operations/fighting cancer. Odd to have someone who simply says, you're healing, looks healthy and fine. I told him about some of the side effects I've been dealing with and learned that I'm normal. I'll take normal I guess. He offered me cough suppressant but I turned him down. He offered me anti-inflammatory but I turned him down. Pain isn't too bad and the cough isn't keeping me up at night. The less medication I have to put in my body, the better. I'll see him again in another week, that's when he'll remove three sutures and the final bandage. 

I received more lab test results from him and it really does look like this third round of fighting cancer is actually NOT LUNG CANCER but instead another round of fighting cervical cancer that bounced (my word choice) into my lung and lymph nodes. Officially, I'm expecting my oncologist to tell me in two days that I have metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. Meh. When I read about metastatic cancer, I became quite concerned about my prognosis. Will I live more than 5 years? Can I beat this? What will my quality of life be? My doctor has calmly walked me through things so far... Accepting that I need to deal with this day by day. Here's a little bit about metastasis: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metastasis - Yup. I referenced to Wikipedia... bet my librarian friends are laughing... But it is in normal people speak vs. so many of the other sites I've researched and read!
So, I'm concerned about how well radiation will kill these cancer cells vs. what my oncologist was happy about before with the lung cancer prognosis... and how well chemotherapy will help... and which type of chemotherapy will be prescribed... so fixating on wearing a hat- a good distraction.

It was a wonderful day today. I Skyped with one of my best friends, spent time with my sweet son and took a great walk with him, and also chatted for a while with my wonderful Rabbi who is introducing me to someone who might teach about Qigong, interesting practice. I chatted with my life coach tonight which always feels like an inspiring blessing. Plus my son gave me a double high five for getting all three balls in the breathing practice tool up simultaneously. I was proud of myself too. He said I need to practice more though so it becomes consistent. (Love that my kiddo is finding goals for me.)

Me in the slow hot elevator at the beginning of my wandering about day. 

Cute enough hat. It'll do.