Dog and Hair and other mind meanderings

 My Dulcie dog is snoring next to me. I adore her. I did learn something though. I lied to myself, I lied to others. Dulcie is actually 14.5 years old, not 13 (I feel like I've lost 1.5 years of life with her) oops. I honestly knew this, I think. She's going to turn 15 right after we move back to Oregon. Oh boy.
Getting older is the pits sometimes, can't believe my girl is over 100 already. I'd love to get older though, wouldn't complain at all. Love life...

So, hair. It is growing out. I learned from many others who share their experiences that your bangs area is the slowest one to grow out... sigh. That's where all my grey is. Shall see.
Wig. I'm wearing it, still doesn't feel like me, still flops in my eye and makes me miss my curls...
I've talked with a few good friends who have honestly told me about when they quit wearing their wigs and went public. Personally, I know my hair is long enough now that I could be free of the wig. I know it. I'm just not ready for the shock I'd give my students.
1. Because it is so darn short
2. Because it is so darn grey
3. Because it is so darn straight
4. Because the darn chemo might make it fall out again after radiation...
Shall see.

My kiddo took a picture of it. (One friend took a weekly picture of her hair to see the progress of the grow out. It was interesting. Appreciate her trust and support...)
I know I need to wait 3-6 months after chemo before I can dye my hair... so says websites and such.
http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/cancers-in-general/cancer-questions/using-hair-dye-after-chemo

This also was a little more helpful... more about natural hair dye: (I just want to be brown, no bleaching, etc... sure wouldn't mind trying out henna, hmm.)
http://www.herbatint.co.uk/herbatint/features/herbatint-article.php?id=50

I went to an organic shop and picked up henna hair dye and will try it out sometime. Talked with my oncologist and he said he didn't think I should waste money dyeing my hair since it will possibly fall out again with the two other rounds of chemo... sigh. Told me he was concerned about damaging my hair- (MORE than chemo has damaged my hair?!) Not like I'm bleaching it... ;)
Shall see.

I'm almost half way thru radiation. Day 15 on Monday. I can feel it. Honestly. In my chest it is like a little ball of pain. Hopefully that pain is all the cancer cells dying. I really appreciate the weekend. My oncologist prescribed me with three more medicines- one is acid reducer- returning to taking this after being free of it for 4 weeks. He said it is to protect my esophagus...  I somewhat find it funny that on the back of the box there a "poison" sign?!
Then he prescribed me with Sucrate gel that I'm supposed to take 1 hour before I eat- sigh... the timing of that couldn't be worse- shall see how I do- it is to coat my throat down thru my stomach to help me out if I get worse- don't have to take it yet... He also prescribed me this cough syrup called Comephen- there's codeine in the ding dong stuff, not at all excited. Plus sugar is part of the ingredients of the syrup. The coughing while teaching has sucked but I'm not certain it is bad enough for me to be on codeine! Shall see. 

Loved the weekend because I enjoyed wearing a hat the whole time vs a wig... freedom- a little bit.
Enjoyed hanging out with family and friends this weekend, grateful for the time AND energy. Also appreciating yoga on Saturday mornings, good to have the class to learn in and help my body heal in... amazing how much I've back slid physically compared to my time in yoga three years ago. Working on being very patient with my body as I take the class.

While I was browsing the web I learned more about nail care, good info... almost every one of my nails lifted/separated from the nail bed up to a certain point around the beginning of December. Painful, yes. Seemed to heal though (visible still yellow/blue/green, yuck) but this is good info since I have to deal with a little more chemo:
"For home care, patients with signs of infection in separated nails can soak their fingers or toes in a solution of white vinegar and water for 15 minutes every night. It kills the bacteria and dries the areas out." - http://www.webmd.com/ovarian-cancer/features/appearance-during-chemo?page=4

Well, thanks for journeying with me... time is starting to fly by as I realize we're moving home in 5 months. Wow.

Results plus Thoughts Randomly Coming

The PET scan results were in, never thought another round of chemotherapy could be promising results but they are. They certainly are. I worked to redirect my thoughts when they went negative, worried about random pains in my body and redirected to positive every time I caught myself. It is challenging but I do think the more positive I can be, the better. Speaking of which, sometimes being around my oncologist, who I thoroughly respect, is not so positive, at all. Here's a few things that have come from him recently and in the past:
Here's another list-  Top 5 Things I Don't Want to Hear From My Oncologist:
5.  "There is a real chance the cancer could come back elsewhere, this is a long shot for being curative." - December, 2014
4. "After radiation, we will need to look at long term medication." - December, 2014
3. "There's likely to only be a 40 % of chance of success with chemotherapy." - September, 2014
2. "The results are not good, look your lymph nodes are lit up." - August, 2014
1. "You Have Cancer" - September, 2013

So, there's still a tumor on my lymph nodes in my chest near my heart. It is getting smaller. My oncologist insists that it has shrunk due to the chemotherapy, not just when the lung specialist removed a portion of it during my September surgery. There are no other areas in my body lighting up presently from the PET scan which is a good thing, a very good thing. Damn the lymph nodes, but I'm here. I have to have four more chemo treatments, two before the holiday and two after the holiday. (But I get to go have fun with family and friends and turn off the cancer mindset for a little while, hallelujah.) But I will get those chemo treatments done and then have a few weeks break and begin radiation treatment to hit those lymph nodes.

Things my oncologist said to me over the course of this year + were promising for the first two cancers, but there was a major shift when I had the metastatic diagnosis. That hasn't been so wonderful. I'm going to stay positive. My husband is not thrilled that I still have so much tumor lighting up on my lymph nodes, I agree with him, it sucks. It is disappointing. Damn cancer. But there is progress, slow but there. And I'll take progress. I'll also be happy to be done with chemo in 5 more weeks. Today's treatment was just fine. Normal one dose day with a visit and lunch from a special close friend. Was grateful. I also had many hours on my own with the kiddo tonight which I adored. We had fun planning out our evening and spending time together. Hooray for my husband getting a little time away from home to do things.

So the before is below in blue and the after is above in blue. Must it be blue?
My favorite color? Meh. You can see measuring info and such...
So, lymph node tumor right next to my heart, shrinking. I get a whole fancy binder with each PET scan.
Not the kind of book gift I want, but I'm collecting them nonetheless.
This is just one page of many many many analyzing my body scan. 

Random Thought Time:
Oh the vanity... Fully admit, working to stay positive about life... but sometimes vanity rolls thru a little.
How many of you have created odd situations in your mind and then acted them out? I've been concerned about my lack of hair and using my passport. Should I wear a wig on the airplane so that I don't need to worry about people questioning me? Would people question me?
I've thought about this to the point that I am imagining being up at the passport/visa entrance area and am asked to take off my head covering... drama drama drama. Who cares what I look like? I guess I do since I'm thinking about it. After thinking about it for a while, I chuckled to myself. I live in Asia. There are many many people who wear head coverings here. I don't believe that my little head covering is going to be an issue.
*Missing my hair. Looking at my scalp and sighing that it will be a while before hair recovers from the chemo and begins to grow in. The little bits here and there that didn't fall out have randomly started growing out, it is odd, a little curly. Shall see...

Burned my hand today a little bit in the afternoon, spilled hot soup on it. I used cold water and then my helper brought me a miracle medicine, Oronine Ointment, that helped after two applications. So relieved. Really annoyed by my klutzy actions lately. Knew the bowl was too hot so of course I picked it up a second time. Sigh. Slow down Debbie.

Actually had a pretty darn unpleasant bloody nose two days ago, will be glad to be free of medicine that has that side effect.... also noticed that one of my fingernails is now looking really unhealthy with brown above the white of the nail. Hmm. Some have mentioned that they lost their nails because of chemo side effects. Hmm. Shall see. Husband told me to put nail polish on it so that I don't worry... not exactly helpful but I get what he's saying.
I'm not so thrilled with my skin breakout on my face either. It is certainly different than the others I've dealt with in the past. My oncologist said that it is a normal cumulative effect of chemotherapy, didn't recommend anything. The nurse I talked with told me that it is worse for so many others... she shared with me a few sad stories about other patients that I really could have lived without hearing... So I suppose I'm lucky, sort of.
Oh vanity...

Read a study from a friend in the US who has a family member also dealing with cancer, found the article hopeful, will share with my oncologist next week. About new treatments helping metastatic cancer patients:
http://www.medpagetoday.com/MeetingCoverage/AACR/32048
Had enough to ask my oncologist this week, here was my list:
-PET scan results
-Nail
-Nose
-Face breakout
-Muscle pull (pulled in yoga yesterday, odd, feeling a little better though)
-Nausea medicine
-Plan for radiation treatment scheduling

He seems to have a limit after a certain amount of minutes talking together, I respect his focus and concentration as we meet and just keep writing my lists. He doesn't get annoyed with my questions

Thanks for journeying as always...  Grateful for progress this time... Bearing up for 4 more doses.