No Sat Chemo Wow! Getting thru the week

So.
This week.
I was ambitious about.
Mon-Thurs - some activity every evening.
I have my doubts.
Shall see.
I'm not feeling fantastic.
I'm not feeling enthusiastic.
In fact... I feel a little crappy.
My right ear feels a little full, like my tube is full of liquid.
I have a headache.
I also have a shoulder ache.
I now understand (once again) what fellow cancer people feel when having pain and wondering if it could be cancer spreading.
I try to be positive.
Honest.
Some days just...

So... that was Monday night.
Now it is Wednesday. Ear is still iffy, headache eased up Tuesday, shoulder ache eased up as well.
I was grumpy for a while today because I was feeling pressure to hear from my doctor to discuss some insurance issues when I tried to explain them to a kind receptionist who didn't completely understand me... but it turns out that she really did understand and my oncologist really helped us with one huge worry and made it much less worrisome with some paperwork adjustments I suggested. (Phew.) I'm so grateful... now to see if things get sorted out properly... nothing is ever guaranteed...

Now... Friday afternoon...
This week was a blur with four evening activities. First one- qi gong- fantastic as always. Second one - librarians meeting - good to catch up and see colleagues, wonderful people plus learned about some resources that were new-to-me. Third one was a CanSurvive cancer support group meeting with a presentor talking about foot massage/reflexology- fascinating, glad I went. Fourth one was my critique writing group- always grateful for time together and feedback on my writing... keeps me focused through the month on editing and writing more ideas down.

Today I finished off the projects at work that I'm pleased with- good to have progress. Then I took a walk down to the hospital after school and walked into the radiation section, reintroduced myself, and asked what was going on with appointments and treatment plans. They told me that I was scheduled for Monday. Asked about when and was asked to wait... waited for 20 minutes and now know Mon. afternoon I have not only a lovely CT scan but also a fantastic MRI scan... blech. Has to happen with both to prepare for radiation treatment. Hoping I can have afternoon treatments but know that depends on availability, etc. Shall see...

My acupuncturist told me about this cream that should help with radiation burns:
https://springwind.com/catalog/burn-cream

Hooray for the weekend. So happy and grateful to have my first official Saturday free of chemo treatment. Sure, radiation is coming up but it feels good to see a light at the end of this tunnel.
Need some resting time. Catching up with family time.
Thanks for journeying with me.

Ickiest my nails have ever been: green, blue, yellow dead but they are growing out...
I couldn't stop messing with them with the polish off, so now I keep applying blue polish.
Discovered with a friend Innisfree nail polish that doesn't stink terribly, feels slightly better/healthier to use it.
Darn chemo, really got me this past month with my eyebrows and eyelashes falling out pretty drastically (I'm getting good at drawing in my eyebrows I think) and the tips of fingers and toes tingling/pain- besides the dying nails...

#16 check!!! Mentally preparing for radiation.

So ready to get going. Don't I look thrilled?
My poor skin... and eyebrows/eyelashes...
anticipating them growing back sooner than
later and skin returning to 41 year old self vs. 13 year old self.

I am so very happy and relieved to have #16 chemo session, round 4 session four DONE DONE DONE. Seriously. Next week I have the week off of treatment til Friday when I go into the hospital to get a new radiation "cast" and get a CAT scan done. Not fun. Third time, same place but at least they call me Debbie vs Deborah. Seriously, that really goes far with me. I really like the techs there. They are kind, patient, and try to communicate with me. I will have to see them for 6 weeks this time. Blech. I'll probably start the following Monday on the 19th, shall see. Depends on many factors. Hoping I can have an afternoon slot.
I have such high hopes about recovering from chemo for a little while... healthier nails and skin over a month's time, hair hopefully starts growing out more, etc... Let's not think about side effects from radiation for now, ok? I still have memories of burned skin and internal pain that aren't helpful for the present moment but I certainly have stuff to put on it and pain medication from past experience.
Sure, I have 2 more rounds of chemo to do in 7 weeks but they aren't every week, only twice... with 3 weeks in between. I can bear up and handle it...
I talked with my doctor today about a sore in my mouth (upper jaw, not at the tooth area but up further) that has been hurting quite a bit for 2 months. I've treated it with mouth wash and oil pulling twice a day so it is bearable. He checked it out and told me that I have a receding gumline up there which is a side effect of chemo. You can see the bone a tiny bit. LOVELY. That'll cost some money to fix and be painful sometime in the future... For now, no infection so "rinse rinse rinse" as he said. Not smart to deal with this with a dentist for the time being since I still have chemo coming and healing isn't good while on chemo for anything in the mouth.
I also broached the topic of going to a different radiologist since I think mine isn't such a wonderful human nor do I have as much confidence in him after his statement that chemotherapy doesn't work with my type of cancer. My oncologist talked me down off the ledge with his kind words. He said many things: "We don't want to go off course, I know this is what you need right now." "He is just covering himself." "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." "We've seen the test results, the chemotherapy has worked and you need radiation next." "He's best at what he does and has already taken care of you twice." Hmm. So, I'm getting over anger (I know it isn't healthy anyways) and refocusing on the fact that I don't have to see the radiologist much at all over this course of treatment even though it is 6 weeks. Once he analyzes and sets things up, it is up to the tech people there. And I like and trust them. A lot.
My son and I chatted about the radiation treatment and I asked him if he wanted to wait at the hospital sometimes on days he would normally ride the bus home with me after an after-school activity. He bluntly answered that he'd prefer to not be at the hospital. Love my kiddo. So glad that he communicates his comforts. (Grateful I have other ways for him to get home as well.)
The last round of chemo today was only one drug but getting it in initially wasn't fun. (Yes, when is chemo fun anyways? NEVER.) The nurse started on my left hand and couldn't get the needle in the vein properly (OW OW OW to a needle being twisted, turned and tipped while in my wrist) then she switched to the right hand, phew... no bruising afterwards from either. I really appreciate the nurse, she felt terrible that I was in any pain and so sweet... good to finish off this round with her, gentlest touch and great chatter as well.
My lovely friend who came to my treatment today was able to distract me well and we discussed our libraries, books, lesson ideas, life, etc... felt inspired and happy, plus we got to a bookstore which is a happy place for both of us.
Appreciated the work week. Projects and thinking and teaching and more. Told my acupuncturist on Thursday that I taught 7 classes that day and he was so puzzled. "I thought you were a librarian..." My response: "I'm a TEACHER librarian, I teach about literacy, the research process, and technology. I teach full time at a primary school with 700 students and enjoy every minute..." He asked further questions, nice to educate another person about teacher librarians and move them beyond the book reading/loaning, bon bon eating librarian assumption...
Other distractions recently...
Last weekend my family went and saw The Hobbit 3- enjoyed and good to finish the trilogy. This weekend we went to see The Night at the Museum 3- enjoyed but heart-broken thinking about seeing Robin Williams in one of his last roles.

My husband and I recently watched other movies, recommend both: (Title links just bring you to IMDB info page.)
First: a witty French flick, hilarious lines, we both laughed aloud and recommend... there was one flaw we thought but were able to look past it **Not for faint of heart at cultural misunderstandings and jokes, watch the trailer... we appreciated every bit but some people could be offended:

Serial (Bad) Weddings: 

Second: What If - romantic drama- enjoyed it but a little cliche at the end... overall we enjoyed this one. I personally loved the art and animation connections.

What If:

So, there are two random movie recommendations... Hope everyone is having a wonderful beginning to their new year. Thanks for journeying with me...

Radiation Plans plus Pacing

I love being back at school. I do not love the morning wake up. It is wonderful to see students again, colleagues, and have the chance to tackle projects... It is fun to teach and my colleages haven't pushed with expectations (thank goodness)- I'm teaching classes and appreciating a little work time here and there to do cataloging and projects.

We made a big decision that I shared on my other blog but not here yet... we are going to move back to Oregon in July. This is a very positive decision even though we are going to miss so many friends, connections, life here in Hong Kong... We know that without this third cancer diagnosis we'd be in a different place... but we're happy and excited about the changes, especially my son.

Now that I know we're headed home, I'm addressing all the projects around the library that have been put off. I want there to be a smooth transition with my replacement stepping in to that gorgeous setting without anything piled up...

Today my husband and I went to see the very negative radiologist. My husband has actually forgotten about meeting him before, I think this is because neither of us want to remember conversations with him, the most blunt person I've ever experienced... and I'm pretty darn blunt. I disliked all my past appointments with him but one thing is for sure, once I met with him, I felt confident that avoiding the local hospital was a good idea. This round of radiation is risky and worrisome and I do not want to risk my life in any way. The local hospital oncologist told my husband and I that he didn't think the radiologists would even be willing to radiate the area that needs treatment...

So. Radiation is next. This Saturday is my final (for now- 2 later) chemo treatment, just one drug, getting thru them. Not pushing myself. No fainting, a few moments of tiredness where I realized I needed to slow down but overall, getting thru work and home life. I'm taking advantage of elevators at work. Not walking the stairs as much. Walking up stairs tires me out more than anything else.
Radiation plan- much more money than past two experiences. This time the radiologist wants to go for six weeks of treatment. 30 LONG days...
Here's what he shared:
I have a connective tissue disorder, rheumatoid arthritis, that has created issues in the past. The first round of radiation for cervical cancer had to be ended early because of this. The second round for breast cancer wasn't shortened at all though... He's concerned with my ability to successfully get through this round since it is 6 weeks long, 5 days a week... and there could be "nasty reaction" to radiation since it could compromise my heart, lungs, esophagus, trachea, spinal cord... there could be significant side effects, especially my lungs since the radiation will be going through it. The area I'll have radiated is called the mediastinum... He said with the 6 weeks it would be 5400 radiation dose, normally the 6 weeks is a 6000 radiation dose but because of my connective tissue disorder he wants to be careful and do less.
Side effects he listed at this time are: fatigue, possible damage to important areas of body like heart and lungs, appetite decrease... I can work throughout the treatment though... the hospital is down the street from my school. For the last two rounds I walked for 14 minutes (timed it to a "t") checked in, had radiation, walked up to the other area outside the hospital where either I'd take a bus home - drops me off right near our apartment- or take a taxi if there isn't a terribly long line... Shall see how I do for this round.

My oncologist wanted to possibly have more radiated beyond the tumor which surprised me quite a bit. (supraclavicular regions) It was something new. The radiologist didn't want to do this due to my connective tissue disorder, I'll be checking with my oncologist when I see him on Saturday about this. It would be radiating my neck area on both sides... Hmm.

Here's some of the quotes from the radiologist I took down:
"We are trying to reduce the chance of cancer spreading.... Although, the chance of it spreading in your current diagnosis is high.... The objective of treatment is to control cancer and maintain your quality of life.... Chemo isn't curative for cervical cancer.... There is no cure for your stage of cancer..."

Gee thanks, thrilled to meet with you. Great for my attitude... and my husband's... not. Wasn't looking for a cure, moved beyond that word a long while ago...

I know my husband and I are both focused on the tumor at hand. Reducing it, getting rid of it. I know there are cancer cells bouncing around in my body. Obviously. They showed up in my lung for goodness sake. I also know that I'm trying my best to stay positive and have healthy practices with preventative practices as well...
Yup.
That's what I have to share today.

Enjoying the week at work... tired... glad I had qi gong last night with friends, learned a few new exercises that will be useful. Think my instructor is fantastic.
Thanks for keeping up on the journey with me, know I've been a little more quiet but honestly embracing my time at work and treasuring my time at home as well. Balancing in writing and journaling when I feel like doing so...

No place like home...

Happy New Year! I wrote this on Facebook the other day, thought repeating it here would be good:

New Year Words: This past year has been packed with many words. Above all? Gratitude. I'm so grateful for family support, for friendships I'm lucky enough to have around the world, and ever so thankful and grateful for all who have been doing their generous part in lifting me and my family up over the past six months from play dates to running a fundraiser to sending me positive messages to visiting us all the way over here in Hong Kong to hanging out during treatments to visits on my low days to Skypes that lift me and so many more supportive actions. I know and feel the love and support. Gratitude. Sure there are other wonderful words I could touch on but that one encapsulates my feelings. Looking ahead to a new year full of treatments and healing and changes for me... So much to appreciate and enjoy every day. Here's to a Happy New Year to all my friends and family, much health and peace and fun your way- and many wonderful book experiences as well!

Very happy to discover a new series through Pemberly Digital called The March Letters. I loved reading Little Women multiple times as a child and appreciate a modern day interpretation of them on The March Family Letters:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL_ePOdU-b3xf69PZcEbgxlviLrBhJ_cpp

I had my appointment this morning (hard since with flight delays we didn't get home til midnight- YAWN) and got two doses. One more next week and done with chemo drugs for a little while... then two more doses at higher amounts with three weeks in between...

I have an appointment scheduled to see my radiologist this week. My oncologist surprised me (he never ceases to do this) by saying that I do not need a break at all for recovery that I should go right into radiation treatment right after next week's dose. Sigh but accepting. I'm not fond at all of this radiologist. Voiced my concerns with my oncologist about having radiation so close to the past treatment site and he said that this round is different as the radiation is going to a specific targeted area internally and they will focus on the tumor and also sparing the skin. That's a first. Shall see what the radiologist actually says. He's blunt but not quite in a kind way that I appreciate but at least I'll certainly learn everything he's thinking at once.

My face had a major high school looking breakout while I was in the Philippines, got topical ointment from doctor for it, hope it works!

Enjoyed the trip and break from chemo. Happy and grateful I was allowed to go. Had fun with family and friends. I'll blog about the trip every Sunday for a little while over at The Styling Librarian.

Thanks for journeying with me, looking forward to work and routines... Shall see about sleep and health and being careful as well.

Holiday. More than just cancer

Appreciating this holiday. I can look away from the disease and have a little forgetting about cancer at times which is beautiful. Vacationing with friends is such a wonderful experience since we can have wonderful conversations, great peaceful experiences, and our boys have fun entertaining one another instead of needing parent entertainment. (Single child in household sometimes means parents are the entertainment.)

We are at our switch now. Been horrible Internet so far, we don't think the next place we are flying to even provides Internet (this resort had meh connection that completely died a few days ago.) sneaking in this quick post enjoying the fact that for the first time in 14 weeks I don't have to be poked with a needle. Two more right after returning but that is ok. 

I painted my fingernails. Was getting more upset and honestly obsessed by how more and more of my nail beds were  infected/weak underneath. Not that painting nails makes everything right but instead it calms me a tremendous amount to look at something that pains me (yes, started feeling sharp pains on and off in fingertips and toes) and see something somewhat pretty. 

Only had to talk about cancer with a few of the locals who were kind and worried. English speaking is good here, especially in comparison to Hong Kong. One woman bought me some local super fruit and made me a smoothie with it. Shall be investigating it further even though it didn't taste terrific. 

Thanks for journeying with me. We will miss our friends who head back tomorrow, we are off on another adventure tomorrow in another area of the Philippines. I've had a week of ups and downs with energy so hoping will just continue ups and not push myself too much. 

The fruit is at the top and one snapshot of me at resort restaurant. Hooray for hats, hair still growing out but I'm not ready to share yet. Figure when I can look in mirror and feel confident then I'll be free outside with head coverage. I see a tiny bit of my hair curling though a little just more grey than brown so far. 

Happy holidays and New Year to all. 

Update Squeaking in #14 and Heading OFF

My kiddo's art, surprised me. Love it.

So excited for the holiday!
Happy that I got into work for three days. Think that I've gotten over the weakness stigma that I was judging myself with for taking sleep medication- what a godsend it is. I really needed sleep Wednesday night after having one of those "can't believe I have insomnia it isn't the first day of school for goodness sakes" the night before...

I've really missed my coworkers. Many leave mid year, mid term, etc... it isn't that they don't love Bradbury, just the life of teaching in a school filled with many expats (many locals as well). I was so grateful for my supply teacher/substitute, she was so wonderful, organized the library with a new set of eyes, got projects done that brighten up areas that needed brightening, and took care of my wonderful staff and beautiful students... So grateful I could simply walk in and teach Wednesday-Friday. SO lucky I am. And my school.  So it was terrific to be back. I chatted with someone and agreed that the true test of my energy will be in January when I'm coming back after treatment on Saturday and work a whole week. As long as I don't feel overtaxed or such, I'm going for it, I'm working... BUT I'm watching myself carefully. Today I had to run to catch a bus and still had energy for that but never know. Grateful for every minute I have.

Debbie, how did the kids/staff react to your hair/wig? All support and respect from staff... they're lovely. Kids are brutally honest but I was ready. "Mrs. Alvarez you look so different!" "Mrs. Alvarez, what happened to your hair?" "Mrs. Alvarez, your hair looks weird." "Mrs. Alvarez I missed you, I know you've been sick, what was wrong?"
My reaction? I said to the wig/hair comments: "Well, this is my hair now and I'm getting used to it, it is what I have and part of me." They seemed to take that well enough. My answer to the what's been wrong, here's what I said to my students: "I've been sick for three stinky months. I did not like it. I'm not quite strong like a superhero yet but I am strong enough to see and teach you, so I'm happy to be here." The kids who pushed further got a "I really don't want to talk about that personal information." - I've learned over the years with sweet kiddos that you don't leave the door open for further questions, just flat out say what you feel and they'll stop. I'm respectful and redirect the conversation afterwards. Some of my students know I had cancer, they think it is lung cancer (because that's what it was diagnosed as when I left work, that's ok, do they have to have those details?) Some of my (honestly) favorites really learned the truth and handled it quite well and just asked some thoughtful questions about how I was feeling and told me they missed me... I only saw half my students this week, will catch up with the rest after the holiday.

#14 Treatment sucks as always (what's new, right?). My concern about my half-covered-with-a-bruise hand wasn't necessary since I'm alternating hands. Keeping up with the topical bruise medication... One of my favorite nurses was quite pleased with the vein she used today. Who knew veins would be exciting. My hands aren't happy presently as I'm using much much much hand sanitizer but I'm also using some terrific hand lotion from many thoughtful friends who just knew what I needed. Only one drug this week... and flying out. Can't wait. Can't wait. Talked with my oncologist further about what would happen with treatment... two more- those Saturdays after the holidays. Then a BREAK. Then radiation. He said "We hope to get rid of the rest of the cancer with radiation." I'm trying to be confident about going back into that tube. It was painful and I'm a little concerned about how my throat/bronchial tube will react to getting zapped... plus the past radiation area will be touched as well which isn't thrilling. Shall see. Then after radiation, if I'm strong and can handle it, "clean up chemo"- two more treatments just three weeks apart and then shall see if there is further prescriptions he wishes to give me. So I see a light. I see 2 more chemo rounds, radiation and 2 more chemo rounds- that means 4 more times I'll be stuck with that long needle in my hand/arm. I can accept that. I'll work hard so my body can also accept it. I'm feeling stronger this week. A little wiped, a little excited about the holiday, and happy about seeing students and staff. My administration has been respectful, bluntly honest and concerned, but respectful. I've hit them with another thing that I'll share soon enough and they've been kind and patient. I'm so so so grateful for the situation I'm in. I read about others dealing with cancer who don't have the support I do.

Grateful for all the support online, wow. I feel so lucky and loved... and grateful...

I subscribe to Soul Pancake- YouTube channel- have subscribed for a long time and LOVE it. L-O-V-E it... when I have time to watch it. I came across a new series they're putting out, below are the first two. Short 3 minute-ish videos. So honest, raw, humorous, touching... love them.
Highly Evolved Human:

Also appreciated this 60 Minutes report on Mindfulness- my mom sent my way, thank you Mom!! :)
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mindfulness-anderson-cooper-60-minutes/

Finally, I also read this post by a Cancer Survivor/Thriver- 13 Ways I live my life with purpose after cancer:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamika-felder/13-ways-i-live-my-life-with-purpose-after-cancer_b_5241858.html
I agree with every single item on her list but disagree. I live my life with purpose during this triple hitter cancer experience, it is imperative to have goals and be purposeful. My husband told me the second day after I returned to work how happy he noticed I was. How much more active I was than other days... Today was a harder day (treatment sucks). I enjoyed work but was honestly grumpy and a little snappy during/after treatment. This is due to leaving my safe cocoon... I've picked myself up by looking at happy "stuff" that refocuses me to the positive... Can't live in that negative. Finding my moments...

Feeling the love from my students....

Get well card book given as well... so touched.

White Blood Cell Increase Focus and clotting frustrations

Grateful for this crane gift from some parents at my school.
Very touched. Beautiful...

Told my husband today I'm really tired of getting stuff put in my body that is poisoning... Frustrating. I know that there is progress. I know this is important. But I hate seeing my blood cell counts all dropping. I really didn't enjoy getting a shot in my stomach to increase my white blood cells. I wonder how they'd be if I wasn't taking supplements and eating so healthy... hmm.
Read this, made me feel pretty reassured.
http://blogs.naturalnews.com/8-natural-ways-increase-white-blood-cell-count/

Had to be at my oncologist's different clinic for treatment this past Friday. There was one perk, the toilet. They had two toilets right there next to the lazy-boy chairs where you sit for treatment. So if you need to go to the bathroom you don't need to be disconnected from the treatment line. I always am concerned about getting disconnected from the treatment line because once my vein collapsed after one disconnection time...  Unfortunately, even though I got permission to get treatment in my other hand due to bruises and a hand that isn't happy with the 12 treatments from before... my right hand's vein now looks like it collapsed... the top of my hand is so blue... my nurse told me that I needed to treat it like a bruise and not worry. Ok. Shall see. Grateful that my right arm didn't swell from the medicine since it was a risk with lymph nodes being removed. But if only my blood would clot properly... shall see.

I'm certainly in countdown mode for the holiday, looking forward to work, looking forward to relaxing as well. Other things are starting up as well and I'm not quite seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with this treatment, oh well. Patience is a virtue and I'm hoping to come out the other side stronger and happier. With some hair growing out preferrably.

Enjoyed my first day back at work. Enjoyed catching up with students and staff. Have missed so many people... Having insomnia the night before didn't help... so wrapping up early to sleep... if possible, shall see.

Hope everyone celebrating Hanukah had a great first night, I also enjoyed the second night with kiddo just now. Had a great birthday celebration with him this weekend as well. Grateful for many friends helping with the event. Went thru kiddo's closet tonight and pulled so many things he's grown out of. Shocked how many things he's just had filling drawers and closets that he knew he'd grown out of... he's nervous about my next focus: going thru his toy cupboards...

Just a quick entry. Quite excited about family trip. Made some huge decisions and actions (good ones I think) that I'll share about when I can. Thanks for journeying...