A Little Hope? Yes, thank you.

Loved special sister time... My curls are starting to poof out!
Love each and every one of them.

Had an ok day overall. LOW energy. Caught myself falling asleep during something I found fascinating, frustrating.
Work was ok.
Went to radiologist. LONG appointment.
This is a doctor who doesn't give up.
She doesn't want to radiate any time soon. She really wants to wait since the tumor is exactly where I've had radiation before... she's concerned that the radiation won't work well and will actually further aggravate my esophagus... I understand why she's concerned and honestly appreciate it... even though I also have that attitude thinking, "darn it just zap the heck out of those tumors already!"
I told her how upset I was over the stagnant course of treatment and within an hour she found a new oncologist who is providing me with another bit of hope.
I have to go get yet another PET scan tomorrow. Oh boy. Hate those when it is at noon, takes 3 hours and I have to fast 6 hours in advance. Blech. But at least there's something happening! I also have to get a MRI brain scan soon.
Possibilities for immunotherapy are there. Shall see.
Found out there might need to be a stint placed in my esophagus... will see a specialist Thursday afternoon and find out more about that. Yikes.  Hadn't heard about getting a stint before. Glad to have a doctor who covers her bases and knows what is going on. Saw a scan of my esophagus, there really looks like it is closed up partway down it...
I appreciated getting the suggestion to sleep more at an angle to see if that can help all my swallowing/coughing issues in the mornings. Here's hoping that works. My parents passed me a pillow and my husband picked me up a few more pillows as well. He referenced The Princess and the Pea when we looked at all the pillows piled up...
Really grateful for the appointment. Amazing how much more relieved I felt after the appointment. Give me a little hope people, that's all I ask...
My radiologist even called me later in the evening to fill me in on the referral. Love how she works and thinks, really appreciate having her part of my medical team...
Caught up with my favorite massage therapist the other day, was so refreshing and helpful... Grateful.
Less pain as well.
Going to qi gong classes on most Mondays and even get to see a beautiful friend when I go to class... good incentive. Really enjoying this instructor even though it is very different from my past classes.
Shall see how the rest of the week goes.
Thanks for journeying with me...

PS My love and prayers go to the Traller family. Heartbroken after learning the news that Nathalie died last night. She provided so many with a beautiful light of energy, love and hope. She has touched so many people and will be remembered through future years... The advocacy and fundraising for ASPS and children with cancer hopefully will help future children who have this diagnosis and others. Although noone should ever have to deal with cancer. Let there be much more research for rarer forms of cancer....

Third time saying DONE

Hallelujah.
   Grateful to be done with this radiation crap. Walking down the hall every session. Going into the room to remove clothing and jewelry each time. Putting it all in a little locker and wearing the key bracelet down the hall. Putting the key on the little counter. Kicking off slippers, climbing up on the table, fitting into the body cast, laying down with arms painfully above head, covered with a sheet, adjusted left and right writing on my skin near my "tattoos", getting my other tattoo checked in the center of my chest, covered up in a fleece blanket, and going in and out of the tube... Done. Done. Done. So grateful to be finished. Hallelujah.
   Loved when I heard the words, "Ok Debbie, for the last time, it won't be long now." Brought tears to my eyes. She knew I was listening. Lovely woman... Hope she helps everyone like she did me... so kind and patient with my questions and always a smile when I came out of the changing room.
   Can't believe I have gone through three rounds of radiation treatment. This one was the most amount of treatment days. This one was the oddest because I was focused on the radiation going and killing a specific cancer tumor vs. just killing possible stray cancer cells after a tumor was removed.
Now. Waiting. Healing. I know I'm still burning from the inside out. I'm grateful to not have my skin burning this time though. I'm not fond of the side effects, but I know I'm lucky in comparison to so many others who went thru radiation in this area.
   Tomorrow? Happy to not be heading to the hospital after school.
   The next day? lung x-ray... gotta dig thru my x-rays to find my other old lung x-ray so they can compare and see if there is any damage. Then time to see my oncologist and see what he thinks and when he wants me to have that PET scan.
   Getting thru. Day to day.
   Wiped out presently. Shall see how I'm feeling in a week's time. My husband is happy I have a little recovery time. I need it. It takes over a month to feel almost like myself after radiation treatment. I remember this all too well. Energy is low. Healing is slow.
One other thing to be grateful for is not having to see that radiologist. I've been anxious the whole time I went for radiation treatment because the last two treatment rounds he made sure to see me part way through and at the end. Glad he never was there. Perhaps my oncologist told him to stay away.
Really glad that he did his part planning how the radiation should go and then let the experts run the machines and take care of me. Goodness I'm grateful. Need to stay away from his negativity as much as I can.
   Moving on. Moving up. Treating myself with care. Hoping to get over sleeping issues I've had this past week sooner than later. Shall see. Same with the neck pain. Appreciated emailing a lymphodema specialist to find out more about how to treat my neck. So glad that I learned about risks. Now I know what to watch for and how to treat my body, especially good to know to avoid heat and ice packs... I certainly want to meet up with him soon but waiting to talk with my oncologist about it first.
   I did get to celebrate a little bit after treatment by attending a Hong Kong librarians meeting (love my colleagues) and meeting a wonderful, talented author and illustrator. Then I came home and slowly ate dinner, redirected my brain to a few shows, and chilled out with family...
Many thanks for all the support all. Appreciate you journeying with me. Feels like a major step I accomplished today, even for the third time...

Goodbye locker. Goodbye hospital gowns.
Goodbye yucky hospital slippers. Goodbye treatments.
Thank goodness.

Roller coaster day

Prepare. This is a ranting one. Not so happy, positive.
Well. Apparently, one good way to make me cry and continue making me cry is to starve me for half a day and then request that I pay exorbitant fees on my own immediately. When I clarify such a request, tell me that if I don't agree to pay I can postpone all tests and treatment until I do agree to pay... that'll do me in.
The new receptionist at the clinic said, "Oh I feel so sorry for you." - My response? "Don't use pity on me, that isn't helpful and it makes me angry at you. I don't want to be angry please." She said, "Oh, I know." - do not tell a cancer patient that you feel sorry for them. Should be a lesson day 1 with someone dealing with them all day at a clinic...
I'm a bit of a nutcase when I don't have food consistently through a day. I'm quite good at feeding myself. Even through chemotherapy, I've eaten. Less some days but overall, I've never missed a meal or snack. So, when I got a call this morning that I had to fast before a CT exam this afternoon, I was surprised... wasn't told about this on Friday. I also forgot completely about the needle in the arm contrast that I had to have during the CT exam. *Think I would have handled it better if they'd told me info when I received the appointment paperwork on Friday. *Radiologist cancelled the MRI, said that my PET scan from December and the CT scan would be enough.
Apparently, another really good way to make me cry is to come at me with a needle and request to put it in the hand I've had chemo treatment in. That did me in quite nicely. He put it elsewhere.
Finally, another good way to make me cry is to be a kind sweet lab technician who knew me during the past two treatments who pats me on the shoulder and tells me to relax... yup. That'll do me in... Oh, and having to interact with my radiologist? Just icing on the cake. Him asking me to sign a release and specifically checking if I'm "comfortable" with the statement? No. I'm not comfortable with you telling me all the side effects and risks in a statement, not comfortable at all thank you. But I am willing to sign what I need to for treatment...
Today, the morning was lovely enough on an empty stomach... got to teach, run a battle of the books meeting with my students, and deal with paperwork and budgeting... but this afternoon at the hospital completely blew. From the moment I walked in until I dealt with further complications with billing at checkout. Glad to be home. Glad to have someone to call about the extra fees that I find questionable that I had to pay a portion of today... Glad to have time with my wonderful husband to vent before the kiddo got home. Glad I had food to eat...
I'm thoroughly embarrassed with how I handled today. I do not like emotional outbursts. I do not like crying. I barely ever have experiences like this. I now need a rest, feel like a little kid who needs a nap after a temper tantrum.
Tomorrow I begin official treatment at 4:30pm. Blech. I've asked that my husband be there for this first treatment in case there are further surprises and billing stressors. I'm ridiculously emotional this third round. Feel like I'm experiencing a smidge of what people experience with PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, because going back into that tube for the CT scan today made me sob a little. Thinking of what I can distract my brain with for the 30 treatments ahead. Knew this would be hard. Knew it would suck. Sigh.   *Thank you to my beautiful sister for her plan to share special stories each day of treatment... quite touched, there's one thing to think about!
Talk about a roller coaster. Up down, up down... Glad I teach all day tomorrow. Love classes and am excited about what we're doing in the library.
Thanks for journeying with me...

#16 check!!! Mentally preparing for radiation.

So ready to get going. Don't I look thrilled?
My poor skin... and eyebrows/eyelashes...
anticipating them growing back sooner than
later and skin returning to 41 year old self vs. 13 year old self.

I am so very happy and relieved to have #16 chemo session, round 4 session four DONE DONE DONE. Seriously. Next week I have the week off of treatment til Friday when I go into the hospital to get a new radiation "cast" and get a CAT scan done. Not fun. Third time, same place but at least they call me Debbie vs Deborah. Seriously, that really goes far with me. I really like the techs there. They are kind, patient, and try to communicate with me. I will have to see them for 6 weeks this time. Blech. I'll probably start the following Monday on the 19th, shall see. Depends on many factors. Hoping I can have an afternoon slot.
I have such high hopes about recovering from chemo for a little while... healthier nails and skin over a month's time, hair hopefully starts growing out more, etc... Let's not think about side effects from radiation for now, ok? I still have memories of burned skin and internal pain that aren't helpful for the present moment but I certainly have stuff to put on it and pain medication from past experience.
Sure, I have 2 more rounds of chemo to do in 7 weeks but they aren't every week, only twice... with 3 weeks in between. I can bear up and handle it...
I talked with my doctor today about a sore in my mouth (upper jaw, not at the tooth area but up further) that has been hurting quite a bit for 2 months. I've treated it with mouth wash and oil pulling twice a day so it is bearable. He checked it out and told me that I have a receding gumline up there which is a side effect of chemo. You can see the bone a tiny bit. LOVELY. That'll cost some money to fix and be painful sometime in the future... For now, no infection so "rinse rinse rinse" as he said. Not smart to deal with this with a dentist for the time being since I still have chemo coming and healing isn't good while on chemo for anything in the mouth.
I also broached the topic of going to a different radiologist since I think mine isn't such a wonderful human nor do I have as much confidence in him after his statement that chemotherapy doesn't work with my type of cancer. My oncologist talked me down off the ledge with his kind words. He said many things: "We don't want to go off course, I know this is what you need right now." "He is just covering himself." "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." "We've seen the test results, the chemotherapy has worked and you need radiation next." "He's best at what he does and has already taken care of you twice." Hmm. So, I'm getting over anger (I know it isn't healthy anyways) and refocusing on the fact that I don't have to see the radiologist much at all over this course of treatment even though it is 6 weeks. Once he analyzes and sets things up, it is up to the tech people there. And I like and trust them. A lot.
My son and I chatted about the radiation treatment and I asked him if he wanted to wait at the hospital sometimes on days he would normally ride the bus home with me after an after-school activity. He bluntly answered that he'd prefer to not be at the hospital. Love my kiddo. So glad that he communicates his comforts. (Grateful I have other ways for him to get home as well.)
The last round of chemo today was only one drug but getting it in initially wasn't fun. (Yes, when is chemo fun anyways? NEVER.) The nurse started on my left hand and couldn't get the needle in the vein properly (OW OW OW to a needle being twisted, turned and tipped while in my wrist) then she switched to the right hand, phew... no bruising afterwards from either. I really appreciate the nurse, she felt terrible that I was in any pain and so sweet... good to finish off this round with her, gentlest touch and great chatter as well.
My lovely friend who came to my treatment today was able to distract me well and we discussed our libraries, books, lesson ideas, life, etc... felt inspired and happy, plus we got to a bookstore which is a happy place for both of us.
Appreciated the work week. Projects and thinking and teaching and more. Told my acupuncturist on Thursday that I taught 7 classes that day and he was so puzzled. "I thought you were a librarian..." My response: "I'm a TEACHER librarian, I teach about literacy, the research process, and technology. I teach full time at a primary school with 700 students and enjoy every minute..." He asked further questions, nice to educate another person about teacher librarians and move them beyond the book reading/loaning, bon bon eating librarian assumption...
Other distractions recently...
Last weekend my family went and saw The Hobbit 3- enjoyed and good to finish the trilogy. This weekend we went to see The Night at the Museum 3- enjoyed but heart-broken thinking about seeing Robin Williams in one of his last roles.

My husband and I recently watched other movies, recommend both: (Title links just bring you to IMDB info page.)
First: a witty French flick, hilarious lines, we both laughed aloud and recommend... there was one flaw we thought but were able to look past it **Not for faint of heart at cultural misunderstandings and jokes, watch the trailer... we appreciated every bit but some people could be offended:

Serial (Bad) Weddings: 

Second: What If - romantic drama- enjoyed it but a little cliche at the end... overall we enjoyed this one. I personally loved the art and animation connections.

What If:

So, there are two random movie recommendations... Hope everyone is having a wonderful beginning to their new year. Thanks for journeying with me...