Riding Energy Waves

Well, that last appointment with my oncologist didn't sit too well for me but oh well, not always going to go as I assume. I've certainly learned that with this journey.
Right now I'm doing math. 1+4=5 1+2+2=5  1-1 dose + 1-3 doses+ 1-1 dose+ 1-2 doses+ 1-1 dose= 5 more treatments instead of one left.
So I have the PET scan this Wednesday. My oncologist expects results back by Saturday when I have what was supposed to be my final chemo treatment. But I got more information.
If I have clear scan results, which I'm expecting but also accepting that you never know, my oncologist was pretty blatant- he said, "I hope you understand, I want you to have one more full round of treatment. This will not be as you were expecting. Instead you'll have two before your holiday and two after the holiday." Hmm. Not thrilled at all but he did say since the beginning that he expected to have four rounds of chemo and then adjusted it to three and then contingent on a clear PET scan I'd have a fourth round. I'm glad I get to escape for a while. I'm glad we planned/paid for this trip back in June before changes occurred again with this third round of dealing with cancer. Anticipating a holiday is a good distraction. Shall see how things go.
So far on Saturday after chemo I was w-i-p-e-d out. I hung out for a little bit with my family after my husband and I came back from chemo and listened to a great audiobook for a little bit and then slept and slept and slept until almost dinnertime. Then I was up-up-up until 1am with my brain in full gear. I took advantage of full brain waves by prewriting blog posts for my "baby"- The Styling Librarian blog that I've written for almost 3 years now- I started it almost 3 years ago on January 1st, 2012, a few months after that we decided Hong Kong would be our big life change. So, most of the blog I've written here in Hong Kong. I love reviewing books, interviewing authors, sharing random videos, writing about life's adventures and more... it is a good outlet and when I've prewritten posts, I'm much calmer and happier and productive. I've been a bit behind for the past few months with prewriting my posts... never have missed posting my regular things and I honestly take great pride in maintaining the blog. I am so grateful for all the connections I've made to authors, illustrators, bloggers, fellow book lovers and more. So... hooray for my stronger brain waves night that allowed me to prewrite blog posts for a while. It was a relief.
Sunday- today- has been a little odd. Sleeping in, walking the dog, missing other Sunday routines, and reading- I completed a novel, an audiobook and just finished reading an incredible non-fiction picture book as well. Plus we had a good amount of family time and watched a Star Trek flick as well... Never know how each day will go.
Thanks, as always, for journeying with me. Grateful, as always.

Reblooming orchid- makes me happy to watch the changes each day. 

Back around the corner

Right as I've found my energy and had a good three days in a row... here comes chemo... Le sigh.
Enjoyed getting to appointments, running errands, having special dinners, and even seeing a musical performance... I am happy with the outcome of the week... plus I enjoyed a few audiobooks and am in the middle of a fascinating one presently.
It is so hard to tell when I should keep my face mask on. I actually wore the wig for over 6 hours, that's the longest time for me yet. It is quite warm wearing a wig for so long. Glad I am able to do it though since soon enough I'll have to wear it for work.
Tomorrow- two dose day... shall see. Will see if I'm feeling strong afterwards enough to go see a movie... never know reactions.
PET scan is next Wednesday. Need to clarify how long it will take to get the results... Last time I had it in August it was a complete blur, just know it will take more than a few days. Last time I received a lovely bound booklet with an accompanying CD. Shall see how it goes.
Had to sort out all my vitamins, supplements, and medicine... happy to have it organized but it took over 30 minutes to sort it all out. I'm taking so many more pills nowadays.
I'm getting to the point where I'm anticipating the holiday that we preplanned/paid for back before diagnosis... I'm really staying positive about getting permission to go away for a little while... Bringing along the calendar tomorrow to see how to get extra chemo treatments in as needed.
I tried out a Yuen Method specialist on Thursday. It was an interesting process that I'm still thinking about. I received homework at the end- to watch for the next time I'm upset/angry and step back, take two long breaths and look at the situation as an observer, see how I react then. Hmm. Interesting. Know I've done that before but shall try it again.
Thanks for journeying with me, day by day... grateful for these "up" days and gearing up for whatever comes next...

Ears a listening....

Going thru the days with a little purpose, focus... taking things carefully.
Not living in fear but awareness over the fact that I've fainted a few times and I do not want that to occur again nor do I want to be alone if it occurs.
Side effects are slightly less this week. I'm feeling a little stronger. I think... but I'm not pushing myself. My stomach totally is not thrilled with chemotherapy, it won't calm down... but I'm still consistent with medicine/natural treatment. Not so thrilled with rice water but I'm drinking it. Nose isn't happy with the medicine, dealing with many bloody noses but not terrible, will look forward to this lessening eventually.

A wonderful friend suggested I listen to a podcast and then I read about it in a magazine and then another friend told me I'd enjoy it...- that's hard because I love my audiobooks and was in the middle of a really good book. But today I was lost in the podcast- Serial - http://serialpodcast.org/ - now complete and waiting til December for the next airing, fascinating... what research and detail involved.

I'm still trying Yoga Nidra which is peaceful. The friend who has been so sweet coming every week to help me with this practice suggested I listen to a new group, so I am- Edo and Jo... Lovely voices together. http://www.edoandjo.com/kirtan-alive A little bit like the chanting and mantras I've been getting accustomed to in the chanting and yoga class.

My hair is growing out- what there is of the hair... shall see if/when more hair begins growing. Kiddo is amused by the whisps that are growing out. I'm watching and noticing more grey than brown but what's new about that? My body has been in crisis for a while, of course the hair will be grey...

Treatment this Saturday will be 2 doses... and then I'll have a PET scan... then one more official treatment the following Saturday. Shall see what happens after that...

Number 10 Chemo, getting there

Number 10, can't believe it has been so long... or so short in terms of life journeys...
Chemo #10 is a 1 dose deal. Two more after that and then possibly more??! Shall see.

I watched a TED talk that was extremely interesting about whether what we eat can starve cancer cells. I certainly have changed my diet completely and know that it has made me feel better (mostly, sometimes I really miss certain foods) and I know it helps me overall...

I found this lecture fascinating. It mentions one of the chemo drugs I'm getting and I find that preventative is much better than reactive. I also know that cancer is NOT my fault. It is happening to me but I didn't welcome it simply by eating the wrong foods or moving to Hong Kong. It has occurred. It sucks. But if there is a way for my friends to adopt a few new foods into their diet to keep cancer from growing, heck, go for it, right?!

So, I'm doing a little better. Thank goodness. Got to appointments, admittedly shakey and weak but I got there. I also have little goals to look forward to, or are they major ones? Work, travel, family time... shall see. I am anticipating and getting over the fear of the PET scan. Not so thrilled that sugar and radiation is going to be pushed into my body again... not thrilled that I have to go hide in a room for an hour to stay away from others so that I don't poison them with the radiation going thru my body... not thrilled that my future rides on the test results... but I'm having faith that if a tumor lights up the scanner, it is due to it dying off from the chemotherapy and what is lighting up is scar tissue. That I'm healing. That this poisonous chemotherapy is doing what it needs to in my body. Having faith.

William Li- Can we eat to starve cancer? https://www.ted.com/talks/william_li#t-1186611

I especially liked this chart. I take a lot of these cancer fighters into my body on a daily basis, I really really hope you dear people do as well:
http://tedconfblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/antiangiogenic.jpg?w=525&h=394

Reflecting patiently, calmly

I've been thinking recently about my energy, or lack thereof.
It is ridiculously frustrating to be so tired that when I go brush my teeth I have to sit down on the floor so that I'm not shaking... (On my worst days...)
I'm a high energy type of person. I love to dance, Zumba, work hard, play hard, and enjoy life...
I chatted with my husband the other day about this. Told him how tired I was of how me being weak is the new norm. He reminded me that it is temporary. Is it? I've been told many times that I'm not ever going to be my normal self again after this third cancer diagnosis. I look back at my past life. Think about the gym we joined half a year ago that I haven't been to since August. Think about what I'm missing at work as kids grow up and get library time without me...
It is quite frustrating. I think back to years ago when a normal day included teaching, masters class, and salsa dancing... so different now.
But then I think about how I've changed already.
I'm more open to new treatments beyond acupuncture.
I certainly have learned to ride the waves of energy/lack, etc... read signs for medication needs, dealt with not fun side effects, etc. I know how lucky I am because I'm not curled up in the corner of my bathroom wimpering as I've read others have experienced at times with chemo side effects.
I'm exploring pulling, essential oils, dietary changes, energy healing, Qigong, chanting and more.
I was told by my friend yesterday who is an energy healer that she's impressed with how open I am to energy. How calm I was during the treatment. Asked me if I've always been a calm person... I've always had a good wall up that calms me during stressful situations. Hmm. I have always been able to distance myself when there are tough things confided and help others simply by listening, is this that calm?
Did I learn to be calm somewhere?
I certainly can be calm for hours while reading. Or working on my computer. Hmm.
Did I learn to be calm during radiation treatments? Laying still even with nose itches, side pain, awkward positions because I didn't want the radiation going to the wrong place... was it a form of meditation?
I'm hit or miss on the sleeping scheme, that's how I know I'm still my normal self in a way... but I'm grateful for how I've changed in other ways. I'm certainly braver and more patient when it comes to needles and such... I'm also learning to speak up for myself and ask when I need something. Reaching out to others is less of a challenge than it was in the past.
Dealing with the days.
Happy because my kiddo is home from 2-night camp adventure with classmates which he LOVED and enjoyed learning about kayaking and dragon boating and more... lucky kiddo. My sweet dog will be picked up soon from her surgery and I can't wait to have her back as well.
Thanks for journeying with me- even on my rambling days...

Slow and steady week

Well. I've had a lovely but really slow week. I enjoyed various quieter activities through the week. Also, it was a harder week because I had to pace myself. That's not fun. I think my blood count might be down... or something... maybe a bug of some kind. My stomach isn't being kind, I'm not sleeping quite well, I feel weaker and am shaken after things that last week were simple, and I'm learning to just take it easy... speak up for myself... appreciating the little gifts of life.

Finding myself quite productive on my blog and avoiding my picture book manuscript writing. Amazing how quickly I can be productive when I'm avoiding things. I also have read a load of books this week and LOVED them. Grateful for my version of comfort food- eating books voraciously.

Fainting on Monday honestly threw me. I was chatting with my yoga instructor today about it. He pointed out that fear of fainting again probably presides over my mind and will likely slow me down if I don't relax and redirect my thoughts. Shall try. But at the same time also trying to read my body and know what my limits are... it's a whole new world learning to go slow.

Chemo tomorrow- 3rd cycle of 4 weeks, first week= 3 drugs, sigh. Not looking forward to it but do have good company, grateful.

Tried out one of the Yoga Nidra videos. Glad to learn another peaceful practice outlet, feel like I'm exploring so many things...
Got (I think) a little good news from my insurance company... I think... shall see... will get things sorted out eventually... I think. Having a little hope.
Also feeling blessed by friends and family, thank you to all... still so grateful that Sheli and Rachel visited...

Mostly, honestly, I'm just worried about my sweet dog right now. She's 14 and is my baby still. My constant companion, especially for each round of my fighting cancer... she's comforted me through recovery from three surgeries and when I look, she's watching me... or she's asleep. She has many lumps and bumps on her body... my husband and I agreed it was part of her aging. She doesn't get around as much as she used to but she's still eating and drinking fine, still hangs out with her people in whatever room we are in (although she is Daddy's girl, so mostly wherever my husband is if he's home) and seems like a pretty contented dog. I noticed last week that one big black bump was getting a little larger on her back right leg. She started licking it as well. :( Poor girl gets a little nutty once she starts licking something. Two nights ago she started chewing it. My husband brought her to the vet who said it needed surgery... but at the vet clinic their machine that puts animals to sleep is broken so we'd have to wait for TWO WEEKS before getting the surgery. We've asked for a referral to a different clinic and are looking into it because now she's wearing the cone of shame since she pulled the bandage off and chewed on herself again this morning... (it is not pretty and I'm the one who does the medication, cleaning, wrapping... which is fine but YUCK.) Plus my husband and I both lost sleep last night worrying about her chewing- thank goodness she has that collar on for this night... so I'm trying not to worry. Minor surgery. But she's not that happy presently which makes me not so thrilled either. Sigh.

Off to bed now... sleep hopefully will come and then in the morning, hooked up again to the drip drip drip of drugs.

Mental Rest and Ups and Downs

Today I learned about Yoga Nidra and appreciated a friend coming by to lead me through a session. Fascinating, relaxing, peaceful. Recommended. I'll be trying it out by youtube videos as well as looking forward to working with her on it as well. Also loved catching up with my best friend thru Skype... miss her presence here but reassuring that we can always catch up.

Dealing with insurance frustrations... don't you love it when you hear those words "Um, I'll have to call you back..." and then you don't receive that call? Meh. Not worth my energy, have things ready when I do actually receive a phone call back... Same with emails as well... out of my control, letting go as best I can.

Appreciated reading this article...
http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/11/09/9-negative-thoughts-that-push-people-away-from-you/
Mostly reassuring since I haven't dealt with these thoughts very often.

This afternoon it happened AGAIN. ECH. I was laying down resting and got up to go to the door to chat and pass a book to a friend. My husband was there too. I got a loud buzzing in my head and fainted. My husband caught me... such a confusing thing. I think I got up too quick. I also think that the anti-nausea medicine is the cause for this but not certain... went back to bed and rested. Doing fine now but really glad I was taking it easy... especially glad I wasn't up and taking a walk. I get that for this time I got up too quick... the last two times I was walking around for a while and then standing still for a while and then fainted. Hmm.

So, getting along, my worst day predicted after chemo, know things are cumulative, but not worst situation, grateful for that at least. On the countdown of treatments. Forgot to mention, I gained weight again this past week (woot) - I still find it funny that I'm celebrating weight gain but so be it. Part of life at this time.

Here's two Yoga Nidra YouTube videos I'm planning to make time for in the mornings.
http://youtu.be/E4fO1istXvo - Yoga Nidra for beginners
http://youtu.be/WN6q9xQHojI - Yoga Nidra for intermediate