Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Reflecting patiently, calmly

I've been thinking recently about my energy, or lack thereof.
It is ridiculously frustrating to be so tired that when I go brush my teeth I have to sit down on the floor so that I'm not shaking... (On my worst days...)
I'm a high energy type of person. I love to dance, Zumba, work hard, play hard, and enjoy life...
I chatted with my husband the other day about this. Told him how tired I was of how me being weak is the new norm. He reminded me that it is temporary. Is it? I've been told many times that I'm not ever going to be my normal self again after this third cancer diagnosis. I look back at my past life. Think about the gym we joined half a year ago that I haven't been to since August. Think about what I'm missing at work as kids grow up and get library time without me...
It is quite frustrating. I think back to years ago when a normal day included teaching, masters class, and salsa dancing... so different now.
But then I think about how I've changed already.
I'm more open to new treatments beyond acupuncture.
I certainly have learned to ride the waves of energy/lack, etc... read signs for medication needs, dealt with not fun side effects, etc. I know how lucky I am because I'm not curled up in the corner of my bathroom wimpering as I've read others have experienced at times with chemo side effects.
I'm exploring pulling, essential oils, dietary changes, energy healing, Qigong, chanting and more.
I was told by my friend yesterday who is an energy healer that she's impressed with how open I am to energy. How calm I was during the treatment. Asked me if I've always been a calm person... I've always had a good wall up that calms me during stressful situations. Hmm. I have always been able to distance myself when there are tough things confided and help others simply by listening, is this that calm?
Did I learn to be calm somewhere?
I certainly can be calm for hours while reading. Or working on my computer. Hmm.
Did I learn to be calm during radiation treatments? Laying still even with nose itches, side pain, awkward positions because I didn't want the radiation going to the wrong place... was it a form of meditation?
I'm hit or miss on the sleeping scheme, that's how I know I'm still my normal self in a way... but I'm grateful for how I've changed in other ways. I'm certainly braver and more patient when it comes to needles and such... I'm also learning to speak up for myself and ask when I need something. Reaching out to others is less of a challenge than it was in the past.
Dealing with the days.
Happy because my kiddo is home from 2-night camp adventure with classmates which he LOVED and enjoyed learning about kayaking and dragon boating and more... lucky kiddo. My sweet dog will be picked up soon from her surgery and I can't wait to have her back as well.
Thanks for journeying with me- even on my rambling days...


  1. feel tired and dizzy reading this post, Debbie. Know that was not your intention. But it made me question how I would be faced with the same hurdles. I might be the one curled in the corner, rocking.

    I'm so amazed every day, even MY quiet days, but your strength and courage and grace. By your taking on of new things even the middle of this all.

    I'm looking forward with you, to your healthier days, where you get to take all of you've learned, and all the good changes with you on to the next phase of your life, a life spent doing with grace, teaching with grace, being with utter grace. Sending love. <3

    1. Thank you so much Gae... yes, tired and dizzy wasn't my intention but boy is it how I've been feeling randomly lately... Hugs your way <3

  2. I'm still reading and listening to your wise words, Debbie. You must be some fantastic librarian, for I hear such patience and learning every time I read one of your posts. I can see why you miss it, and am sure the kids miss you. That calm. Sometimes I do wonder from where it comes. I'm happy you are finding it for yourself.

    1. Thanks Linda... I am certainly treating this like a learning opportunity aren't I.... if I can't apply it in the library classroom, applying it in the life classroom! Thank you for the support... :)

  3. I think this is one of my favorite posts! It is brutally honest, with a touch of gratitude and gratefulness. It is an inspiration when not intended. It is raw, but easy to read. It is selfless, yet nourishing! I can almost feel, just a little ,how you feel by reading this. A talent that is natural! Thank you for sharing. I become a better person every time I read your blog! Hugs and love!

    1. Thank you Lisa... Hugs and love to you, grateful for our chats...

  4. As I read line after line Debbie all I could think of was how, even though we have never met, I wanted to reach out and hug you. Your continued courage is amazing to me. Your ability to see the positive is astounding. Sending you love and doggy kisses, dear one.