My Turn Now: Faith and affirmations

I have accepted traditional medicine.
I have experienced multiple surgeries.
I believe those surgeons did what was necessary and helped save my life.
I have experienced three rounds of radiation treatment.
I believe those radiation rays went to where they needed to go to help me heal.
I have experienced six rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.
I know those chemicals have run through my body to help it heal.
I have finished the traditional medicine reaction to the cancer.

Now it is my time.
Time to focus my mind on the positive.
Continue positive affirmations.
Continue qigong.
Continue meditation.
Continue deep breathing.
Continue acupuncture.
Continue yoga.

What am I continually saying to myself? Things from Louise Hay from her book You Can Change Your Life:

My body now restores itself to its natural state.
- I'm repeating this throughout the day. It is time to heal. Time to recover. Time to be strong. Time to continue to celebrate life.

I lovingly forgive and release everything in my past.
I choose to fill my world with joy.
I love and accept myself.
I love myself just the way I am.

Years ago I experienced something I loved. When I was in high school there was a group called Dram-edy I was a part of. Drama and comedy combined. We came up with skits that communicated about positive approaches to life, taught lessons to inspire, etc.
We often began our meetings with this chant:
"I love myself.
I love my body.
I love my mind.
I love my spirit."

What positive affirmations they were... that have run through my mind through the years. I continually focus on the positive. I try my best to look for the good in others. If I'm in a situation where I'm judging another I often try to redirect that thought to think about their perspective. My best friend calls me "ever the diplomat". I think never a word more true has been spoken. I act based on how I want to see myself viewed out in the world.

This afternoon my family attended CancerLink's Celebration of Life. It was interesting. I learned about a rock star Coco Lee who is popular in Hong Kong, Korea, and in the US as well. Hmm. She sang beautifully. There were dance performances, a laughter yoga workshop (all in Chinese, ack, strained to understand, really really was interested), and it was nice to see many friends from CanSurvive group and CancerLink support group as well. Lovely people. Poor husband and kiddo. Was a bit of a push for them with 90% in Chinese. I appreciated that they came... Love my family.


There's a Hay House World Summit available right now. Free. Videos, audio inspiration and more... I appreciated watching this movie:
https://www.hayhouseworldsummit.com/lessons/you-can-heal-your-life-movie/

Appreciated this family dinner idea, what discussions and deeper understanding can occur with this: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/24/key-jar/

Feeling a little better today. More energy. Less shakiness. Grateful for how amazing the body is at healing. Taking things day by day by day. I keep on keeping on.
Thanks for journeying with me folks...

Did you just say "sewing machine"?

Another week buzzing by. Enjoyed these days at work and home...  Might be offline for a few weeks except a word here and there. Leaving my laptop at home while we travel this time. I'll have my iPad but am not as comfortable typing on that.

Grateful I booked an appointment with my acupuncturist on Tuesday. I was in a bit of pain in my back and chest. Plus my stomach wasn't treating me very kindly... the day after acupuncture treatment I felt incredibly better. Qigong that evening helped as well I'm sure... starting to make qigong part of my daily routine.

This afternoon I met the lymphedema specialist to see if there was anything I need to be concerned about or careful with and was quite reassured by the end of the appointment. I learned how to give myself a lymphatic massage and also he whipped out his sewing machine and created a compression garment that looks like half a corset made of stretchy fabric and foam cut to shape for my breast that has been painful since September. Just for sleeping though. Woo hoo to a solution that doesn't include something going over my shoulders. Thrilled. Presently I don't need to worry about my arm/legs but I need to be aware and careful of how they are feeling/doing.
If needed for friends in Hong Kong: Nathan Bridgeman was professional, thoughtful, helpful, and reasonably priced. http://www.cltvr.com.hk/mavista/cms/en/About_Our_Therapist
*I'm not quite over how quick he created the compression garment for me, this guy was a talented, experienced expert and I was thrilled to watch him make some of it on his sewing machine! Shall see how it helps me out. Doesn't feel like a torture device, just feels supportive. Plus, it was nice to work with an American who I didn't have to stumble with for communication...

There's nothing like having goals. Presently, there are many... but I'm not overwhelmed, yet.
First: trip to Bali. Grateful we were able to shift tickets and make this an affordable possibility. Especially happy that I have a break from treatment and can enjoy this with my family without being in a partial chemo stupor. (Fully admit, most of the first week of our trip to the Philippines I was knocked flat by chemo I'd received the day before our flight.)
Second: transition preparation. Getting thru paperwork. Getting thru purging. Going thru library projects so that things can be fantastic for the next teacher librarian and my lovely library assistant who has patiently dealt with project after project this term. I packed two boxes at school of personal items (bringing quite a bit less back to the US but that's ok). Going to begin using the postal system and mailing boxes home on a weekly basis.
Third: Chemo. Get thru the last to rounds. Meh.
Fourth: focus on the move to the US. We're down to 104 days until we're home. Wow. It is really going quick.

I'm trying to put cancer aside and enjoy the days. My husband did have to talk me down from a ledge last night when I started worrying about when I'd get the last two chemo treatments, etc. Shall see. He reminded me that worrying and wondering was useless until I see my oncologist in a few weeks.

Hey, there's more hair there!

It is funny to get so excited over hair. But I am. I got a little jolt when I noticed my baby fluff hair on my neck. Loved seeing my eyelashes back in full force. Nose hair? Meh, made me laugh. But having the hair on my head growing back makes me happy. It is odd how it is growing back but I see and feel curls! Hooray hair.

It is starting to hit me how much I will miss Hong Kong. I love the people I work with, they inspire me. I love my librarian friends, they provide such support, love and energy. I adore my Jewish community friends and am heartbroken to leave a community that I feel special and welcomed in... We have other wonderful friends that I'll miss too... Sigh. I know I've missed Oregon for the same reasons plus I miss my family a ridiculous amount but man, I will miss Hong Kong, it has embedded in me and there are so many things I think about on a daily basis that have helped me grow, stay calm, and learn over the past three years. Sigh. Had a good conversation today with my human resources contact who has helped me deal with the insurance nightmare and is quite kind and friendly... She was so relieved when she found out that I'm returning home to a job (I don't know what yet, but I'm hopeful/excited/happy) and that I'll have insurance. Yes, that is a big thing to be reassured by. She also liked that I'd be 5 minutes from my parents house... excited to move back into our old home... Very sweet woman. Appreciate the people that have been there for me and saved me over and over since August '13. 

I'm still glancing at my VirtueScope every day. (Helps to have it on the wall next to my side of the bed.) This is my month to focus on "resourceful"... Well, I've always felt that I'm pretty resourceful, but it has been a nice word to think about every morning. As a teacher librarian, I'm all about resources. As a blogger, I feel resourceful when I'm recommending books and websites and such. Hmm. Next month? Dignified. Hmm.

I sat down and counted out weeks. I've worked for 11 weeks now. Without needing to take a sick day. Wow. I didn't think that would be possible. Especially with still going thru chemo treatment in the beginning and all thru the darn radiation and side effects. 11 weeks. 5 1/2 weeks were radiation... After this holiday there will be 11 weeks more of work. Shall see how those weeks treat me. So grateful to my amazing recovering body. 

Well, thanks for journeying with me... shall try to post here and there while we're on this trip but never know about internet connectivity.

Perhaps oversharing?

Warning: This specific post isn't for those who are reading to check up on me. This is for those who don't mind a woman oversharing and complaining a smidge... maybe more than a smidge. Men... not exactly for you. My poor husband has heard it all and feels sorry for me, but that's part of his life with me, the oversharer... spare yourselves...

So, for a while now I've been thinking about nursing my son. I'm sure that's what others think about when they're dealing with the aftermath of operation effects and chemotherapy, right? No?
Well... here I go with sharing too much x 2 today.

So, nursing. I was one of those smarties. I thought to myself, "I've nursed my son for 16 months, I'm preventing any chance of breast cancer, woo hoo!" (little did I know 8 years later...)
Eight years later when I received my first diagnosis (cervical cancer) my first thought was, "Thank god my son is already here." well, maybe not my first thought... but I was so grateful my husband and I already had a happy, healthy child. So grateful.

So, for those moms who have nursed their children, do you remember when your boobs felt heavy, ready to pump or nurse? And do you remember ever feeling that for more than an hour? two hours? As teachers, some of us have that challenge of the "must pump!!" moment but you still have 3 classes in a row you must teach first.

Hmm.
So, why the heck is my mind backtracking eight years?
Because for the past stinking month, my right boob has felt like it was crazy engorged. To that point where I'm ready to scream "OW!!!" Well, sometimes I do yelp... I think it is a combo of a few things:
1. Lymph node removal- drainage is screwed now
2. Surgeon who removed my lower right lung cut into the underside of my breast to get to the lung (think that's the camera incision), also he cut a long incision across and almost into my breast for the lung removal portion (I think). The scars are healing but still a bit painful sometimes. Quit taking tylenol/panedol a week ago. That poor breast didn't need to be cut into more than it already had with the lumpectomy.
3. Radiation- this poor boob had already been thru enough in May when I went in for round after round of radiation. Poor thing doesn't know what end is up. My oncologist offered anti-inflammatory. No. I was taking that and nothing happened with the breast... nice thought though. He's told me "wear sports and supportive bras"... certainly am during daytime hours, made the mistake once of not, OWWWW.

So I walk around with what I describe as an engorged, painful breast in addition to the center of my chest burning with pain (assuming it is the cancer/healing from lymph node removal)... in addition to feeling scar tissue form... oy. I feel very lopsided when I look in the mirror. I've asked a few poor girlfriends if they can see a difference when they visited. They said "well, now that you've pointed it out..." - hah. I share too much sometimes... right?
Shared too much yet?
No?
Well here goes more then...

I'm going on goodness knows how much sleep today. I'm exhausted. Last night I was reading myself to sleep and realized I was wide awake still at 1pm. Oops, closed the book. Tried breathing, counting, peaceful thoughts. Nope. Opened book and continued to read. Then 2pm. Then 3pm- finished a book, LOVED it, didn't help the sleep predicament. The last time I was up ALL NIGHT was when I thought I had lice in July. Uh oh. Jumped up in realization at 4am. Sprayed my hair with these healthy oil stuff and combed my hair for 45 minutes squinting, looking, and checking- repeat times goodness knows how many. Blech. Really made me appreciate the short haircut. Nope, no lice. Yuck. BUT my scalp was freaking out. So itchy. Not sure if it is because my hair is curling back in as it grows a little bit and making it itchy when I lay down on it?? Not certain at all. But I was freaked out. IE no sleep. Thank goodness I brought back to Hong Kong the stuff that could immediately provide me with peace of mind. Yuck. Plus... my hair is falling out. Not clumps. But I'm pretty sure more than the 50-100 strands that can fall out daily- but of course it is more visible in some ways now since it is shorter. Hmm. Chilling out and enjoying hair while it is there... short and easy.

So, I'm done with my oversharing for the day.
I already went to my acupuncturist today. He worked on some energy healing and refocusing of my mind = redirecting from worry to letting go. Appreciated it but basketcase/exhausted one that I am... he made me cry- which is ok. I'm also trying his herbs, shall see. Will show ingredients to my oncologist but my oncologist already gave his approval for herbal medicine for a different Chinese medicine practitioner... so I'm not as concerned about that than I am all these other vitamins/herbs I have to bring in the list of and get permission for before I begin taking them.

I am going with wonderful husband to the local hospital today as well. Letting go of worries and concerns that are out of my control. Shall see how this appointment goes.
Thanks for bearing with me... To those that thought that I overshared, sigh. I warned, right? #gototopofpostandadddisclaimernow

Chemo Reaction- A little documenting

Hope...
for future patients: preventing metastisis- which I'm presently dealing with:
http://www.businessinsider.com/scientists-cancer-spread-health-research-2014-9

So, I realized I didn't share what happened on my chemotherapy day 1 of 12 day.
Here it goes... 7 hours long...
I checked in at my oncologist's clinic and was immediately weighed and had my temperature checked. I lost two kilos which was really upsetting. Didn't think about how I had cut all my hair since the last time I was on the scale, so perhaps some of the weight loss is from hair??
Vampire time- blood was drawn and analyzed.
I checked in with my oncologist who lectured me about losing weight, this is an ongoing conversation... and also chatted about how my blood is, told me many side effects to the chemo drugs that were going to be pumped into me, discussed other things as well. I forgot to ask why he "upgraded" me from Stage 3 to Stage 4 cancer but found out later it is because of the metastasis.

Then I went to his back room. I've had my blood drawn here so often but I always said to myself, at least I don't have to do chemotherapy. Thought that one too soon.
There are comfortable chairs there. Lounge ones... good thing too since I had to sit for 7 hours. The medicine is operated through a machine plugged into the wall. You can't walk around with it!
My wonderful friend Diane who is an incredible support came around this time... she was there the entire time, we have such fascinating conversations... So grateful she was willing to be there, funny that I brought along books and magazines, never opened them.
The nurse was so lovely. Kind. Patient.
I warned her. "I don't like needles. I have to pee a lot. I'm sorry if that creates complications." She was so easy going every time I had to go to the restroom. Just stopped the meds. Removed the line going into my hand and put a cap on the tube until I got back...
First I got a line in my left hand (which sucks, I'm left handed-- has to be that way since the breast cancer and lung cancer both are in my right side).
Then saline was pumped into me to get going.
Then a little medicine was pumped in.
And a little more...
Then around 10:30 the first chemo was pushed in.
Then around 11:30 the next chemo drug.
Then a little more medicine was pumped in. (Benadryl, etc.- only thing that made me wince, that darn medicine stings when it is going in!)
My friend Susan showed up at 1pm. She wanted to visit, bring Diane lunch, and see how I was doing... plus give me a ride home afterwards, so grateful for her time. Super supportive friend.
Then 1:00-2:30 the final chemo drug. It was fascinating to meet a lab technician I'd seen for a year working in the back room on blood analysis and find out he was a Chinese medicine doctor certified and practicing in Hong Kong. He provides his service to my oncologist's patients- herbs, acupuncture, and more... wow. I'm waiting this week to see my side effects and then checking in with him on Saturday for my next round of chemo. He helped out my friend Diane which was incredible.
I ate lunch.
I was so ready to go at 2:30 when the saline was pumped thru again.
That was when the nurse began lecturing me. For 45 minutes. Seriously. My friend pointed out that I started biting my nails during that time. Why yes, I'm sleepy, tired of being in a chair, and ready to go go go... I don't want to hear about side effects now! But for fourty-five minutes I worked hard to concentrate on all the side effects and careful practices she talked about. I thought to myself, I'm better at reading this stuff, please just give me the paper... but I listened too since she would often offer her sage advice as she went over the paperwork. Unfortunately, she forgot to give me the packet (oops) she popped it back into my file record booklet so I will probably run by the clinic this week to pick it up.

After some lectures, I decided to add organic chicken back into my food plan, just treating meat as an appetizer but doing it to get more protein... I'm eating a ton of food but losing weight. I know cancer has a lot to do with it but still, doing what I need to do. A beautiful friend dropped off chicken broth (bone soup) for me to eat... will add some brown rice noodles to it and have tomorrow. So grateful.
I also enjoyed breaking the rules and eating a piece of whole wheat bread today (gasp) with avocado and smoked salmon on it- what heaven it was to eat! So...  there's the update I didn't include in my last post.

Monday- 2 days after chemo was pumped into my veins... I'm having a harder time. Honestly, I'm fatigued, gave in and admitted I was nauseous and took pills, and didn't have as much get-up-and-go energy today. Considered it a feat to eat my meals, shower, and welcome my husband home from Vietnam. He completed the mountain marathon in 12 hours! So proud of him.
I wanted to go to this workshop in the evening after dinner and thought I had enough energy to go and return. Learned a hard lesson... I attended this essential oils workshop for around 45 minutes and realized I was done. I needed to go. So they put a drop of oil on my wrists- Joy- smelled like my grandma, lovely, and I headed out. I wasn't thinking my best. I decided to go to ride the MTR home. Figured I could find a place to sit down and it was only 3 stops. Rush hour. Dream on Debbie. So, I got there, had to stand but found a place to lean and got thru two stops. Then I blacked out/fainted. On the MTR. Many people worried. One woman helped me stand up. I slightly collapsed again and people helped me exit the MTR at my exit. The lovely woman who helped me up walked me over to the guard's station and asked me what I wanted... to call the police? Heck no. (But that's a normal thing to do here.) but I said I needed to sit down. They pulled a chair out of the station for me and for five minutes I cooled off. (Was dripping with sweat.) I then realized I didn't trust my energy level so I called my husband and he came to get me. (Welcome home honey!) I was grateful to be home, humbled, and upset. I chatted with my life coach and discussed decisions, what happened and why. We agreed it was probably a combo beyond just being exhausted- I had started wearing a face mask and felt it was suffocating me. She pointed out that breathing in my CO2 probably wasn't good. I need to practice wearing it at home for a while. I had taken the nausea medicine which can get you dizzy... And I should have taken a taxi home. Lesson learned. The hard way but at least there were wonderfully helpful people around who cared enough to get me to a safe place where I was monitored.

Have snapped a few pictures lately... figured I'd share a few. You can see the clinic and even the meds... not fun but part of my days 11 to go...