Hope, Future thinking, and contemplation

So, I'm grateful for life... every day. I don't struggle when I write in my gratitude journal... I can even dig deeper than the grateful for family, happy healthy child, good marriage, etc. most days...
I don't quite get what completely picks me up some days and then brings me down other days... seriously, it shouldn't be hard to distinguish but suddenly I'm feeling positive after a slump. Or suddenly I'm feeling like slime for a while. I try not to fixate on things... just sorting thru emotions. Moving on.
Came across this article that made me appreciate having the chance to speak up and communicate how you're feeling, good reflection.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/22/im-a-mom-with-cancer-now-what/
Then I read an article on how scientists discovered that cancer grows faster when you sleep... sweet googly moogly... not pleased with that but they look at it as an opportunity to think about when chemotherapy drugs are administrated, etc. Hmm. Anything to help future patients:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jonfortenbury/2014/10/06/tumors-may-grow-faster-while-we-sleep/

I think some days I deal with a little jealousy. For example, chatting with friends about the future... that is hard sometimes. Simple future plans like travel is mostly fun to chat and think about and living here in Hong Kong there are so many incredible opportunities for people to enjoy exploring. My husband is quite the planner. I'm a little sad to miss our well planned trip to China to visit the Great Wall, Xi'an, Shanghai, and more... I read aloud a few novels to my son that introduced him to things I wanted him to anticipate. He's really excited. So the boys are going without me. That's ok. My best friend is coming to spend time together while they're gone. I'm thrilled to anticipate her visit and it will certainly lessen the 'blow' of missing family vacation time since she and I will adventure depending on my energy levels. We also have two other family trips preplanned and paid for. Hope I don't miss them. My oncologist won't give us a definitive answer about the December trip but flat out said 'everyone needs a holiday'... so shall see. We also have tickets to visit home over spring break. I am having a hard time thinking further into the future. Summer plans? Let's see how this chemotherapy treatment goes. I have hope and I'll cling to it, but reality also looms.

Chatted about retirement with a friend the other day. Where do you want to end up, etc. I certainly had imagined retirement in the past. But now, not to be morbid or anything, I'm just unsure about the future and am focused on survival, day by day.

Heading out for the day yesterday...

Had a great time visiting with lovely coworkers yesterday, had a late birthday tea and loved chatting with them all. Also tried out my new wig in a social setting- they were all extremely supportive. I'm still a little unsure about wearing it and honestly enjoy being bald at the moment with the scalp annoyances I'm having (using tea tree oil, seems to be helping)... I think I prefer wearing a scarf and honestly don't give a hoot at the looks people give me. As an expat, I'm quite used to being looked over anyways or simply ignored most of the time. So walking around with a scarf and a face mask isn't that odd. I can appreciate not standing out.

Enjoyed using one of my prepaid massages yesterday. You buy discounted packages at some places, works for me... It was the first time I'd seen my massage therapist since before I had the operation. So, she was a little shocked and asked a few questions but also was gentle and firm as needed. So grateful.

Last night I was surprised to have energy but took advantage of it and headed to a CancerLink workshop on stretching exercises, appreciated it overall, nice to be around people who know what I'm dealing with (mostly) and are so kind. I've committed to a few other workshops, too bad they're always way far out in Kowloon- energy plays a factor in whether I show up then. As it was I was late last night but enjoyed. I came across a good healthy recovery video for breast cancer patients recovering from surgery. http://breastcancerrehabilitation.com/watchthevideo.html Think I'll try to watch/look into it later more... will try exercises from the instructor yesterday a little bit in the next week.
Went to my acupunturist today and told him flat out that I couldn't drink that Chinese herbal medicine more than twice a day (I consider it a feat to get thru two of them) and he was mellow, gave me more, and told me he was happy I gained weight. He also lectured me about eating eggs, adding them into my food plan. Explained about how in Chinese practice eggs represent life and they should be eaten twice a day. Shall see. I had a salmon quiche yesterday at the tea and it was delicious that was one of my first egg-back-in-diet additions. I'll try to get at least one egg in me each day. Still a little freaked out about the estrogen factor of it though. I'm also still eating chicken and added in oatmeal. Shall see about that rice water... Stomach has lessened its issues at the moment. Sleeping isn't perfect but is a heck of a lot better than past weeks.
Finding that I'm avoiding some projects/responsibilities for a while and then when I finally address them it feels like such a successful thing... I miss being the one to tackle and instantly take care of stuff left and right but am realizing that this approach to life can be acceptable as well.
Thank you to all who donated to the fundraising campaign, so grateful, overwhelmed, appreciative. It was perfect timing as I just received the first of many "shortfall" bills yesterday from my insurance. No fun but approachable.
Enjoying art, excited about my friend (and sister soon after) visits, and appreciating little things...
Thank you so much for keeping up with me... grateful...

Over the slump? Protests, scarf tying, food, and more.

Allowed myself down time. Felt good.
Simply rested and relaxed, read and watched shows...
It's been a bit tumultuous here in Hong Kong watching the newsfeeds, kiddo home (bonus), schools closed to students- many colleagues working from home because it isn't easy to get to work with road blocks, trams closed, MTR station closures, etc. My husband has gone into work each day but this week was odd anyways since there's Wednesday and Thursday public holidays and Friday staff training day. So, my son had no school Mon/Tues and won't have school again til next Monday... he isn't complaining. We're lucky to have some of his friends around for distraction and overnight fun.

If you don't know what is going on here, there are a few articles I found helpful about these pro-democracy protests (peaceful and organized, I'm not going out in them- too many germs but am in full support of Hong Kong citizens speaking up for their right to a democratic election instead of what has been decided in Beijing:
http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2014/09/28/hong-kong-pro-democracy-movement-gets-global-support/

There are many videos and straightforward reporting pieces. Honestly, the tear gas really scared me that first night of protests, made me worry about escalations with rubber bullets, made me think about Tiananmen Square, etc. but it has been peaceful civil disobedience since... Some friends are collecting water, ice packs, umbrellas, and more for the students and adults protesting. Other friends joined in the protests last night and today. There is a beautiful, caring, hopeful community here in Hong Kong and I'm grateful to be a part of it, even though I'm sticking inside and protecting myself from germs, etc.

My sister continually has shared touching, inspirational, and thoughtful posts with me on a daily basis.... and also some yummy recipes! Here's one with multiple recipes that gave me hope for new yummy food solutions:
http://bembu.com/homemade-protein-bars

I also appreciated that she sent me two how-to tie a headscarf videos. Both are pretty reasonable and doable... Thank you so much...

and

So... besides protests, family/kiddo time... I've been really quiet the past two days. Sunday was a wonderful day where I was just packed with energy. Monday and Tuesday were both "take the anti-nausea medicine NOW" days... every 4 hours. In the evening on Monday I didn't think I "needed" it and then my body freaked out two hours after I was supposed to take it with shakiness/almost fainting- in my bathroom, not in the MTR thank goodness... so I'm still figuring this all out. I do so hate any kind of medication but as a friend said to me, the fear of throwing up will get you to take that medicine!

Wednesday has brought this public holiday, a wonderful lunch out with friends, no anti-nausea medicine, wonderful phone call with my sister, and family time. Grateful for every minute I have... happy to be doing ok. Not pushing myself.

Watching shows here and there and laughing my way thru things. Decided that going to the Laughter Yoga session today (would have been right when I'm writing this) was a poor decision since it would have me on the MTR for 45 minutes plus taking a mini-bus somewhere over on the Kowloon side of Hong Kong where I'm happy to venture sometimes but I also have a talent for misplacing myself.... so I am hoping that backing out 24 hours in advance was ok and I'm happy to laugh with a funny show instead. I'm also beginning to read and really enjoy a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called You Are Here: Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment... Nice to dive into an adult book about mindfulness. I'm balancing it with a YA fantasy book which has been fun to begin called Keeper of the Realms- Crow's Revenge by Marcus Alexander.... author visit in the spring.

Food-wise, I've added back chicken, still treating it as an appetizer but I can feel the protein hit much faster at times now. Makes me happy to be giving my body what it needed. I pray I don't lose weight this week but will accept whatever comes with this treatment and know I'm trying my best. Plus I'm not having as many upset stomach issues lately... the chinese herbal medicine from my acupuncturist might be working! (I'm trying to be consistent about drinking it...) Plus I'm drinking a tea made from fresh ginger, tumeric, and peppermint tea leaves... that's feeling healthy and balanced. Drinking that one accompanied by water throughout the day. Really keeping my fluid intake up up up.

Creative wise, I had fun with two things- one- I have an art pad to doodle in now... liking that outlet. Also, I picked up yarn and a crochet hook, will be trying that out on Saturday. My husband is coming with me to chemo treatment which will be helpful. He and I love watching movies and shows together. I have 2 drugs coming this week which means around 4 hours or so... as long as everything is fine.

I also tried out something that a friend/former parent at my old school suggested. Using slippery elm bark powder mixed with coconut oil for a lotion/cure-all for my skin. Her directions were: "Mix about 1/4 cup coconut oil with 2-3 tablespoons of slippery elm bark powder and use it as a lotion."
Done. Used. Appreciating physically and mentally.
Still doing that coconut oil pull and mouth rinse throughout the day... anything to protect my mouth and body...
Not sure what my 30 year old self would think about all these extra things I'm doing but I'm glad to have outlets for expressing myself, options for treating myself, and good doctors helping me through this experience. Here's to a better day. Tomorrow is my birthday, 41, oh boy. Many family and friends have asked me what we're doing... my answer was, depends on energy! But I do know the kiddo is going for an overnight fun time with a favorite friend in the afternoon, so I can have date night with my husband! Hoping to get into Jamie Oliver's new restaurant that opened up really close to our apartment and perhaps go see a movie like Mazerunner or something... Love time with my husband. Feel lucky to have these opportunities.

Health- More Alternative Practices and Music

Note- I wrote this part 2 weeks ago! Just wasn't ready to share it, but loved every minute and have thought about this interview many times since:
I appreciated listening to this interview with Rae Leung by my wise friend Reenita who has written numerous books on Ayurvedic medicine and also a fantastic young adult book called Operation Mom that I thoroughly enjoyed and recommend to others.
http://podcast.rthk.hk/podcast/item_epi.php?pid=363&lang=en-US&id=38781

http://podcast.rthk.hk/podcast/item_epi.php?pid=363&lang=en-US&id=38976

Not only did I appreciate the interview but I also enjoyed the music that was mixed throughout the interview. Powerful thoughts and messages. I found that much of what Rae Leung, the person interviewed, had to say about her Cancer journey were things I agreed with... It was interesting to hear more about how she went to try out Bioresonance and Tapping/EFT. Interesting. Heartbreaking. Understandable.
*Loved that her #1 lesson was to learn how to be more patient... I really can appreciate this.
Learned about how she ran a project here a few years ago in Hong Kong: http://www.raerity.com/CWord/CWord.html - Looks interesting.
"When I look at cancer, I don't want to think of it as a battle, because that puts us in a combative mode every day. That creates too much stress, too much anxiety. Just to psych ourselves up for a fight every day? Then we're constantly struggling. And I don't feel like I'm struggling at all... I don't see it as a battle. I see it as an existence... And that's where I see pain can creep in and negative stressful signals can creep in..." - powerful reflection to think on.

India Arie - I am not my hair:

Melissa Ethridge - I run for life:

I sat back and looked into a few things this week. 

I am appreciating this Jewish Mindfulness Program:

https://mishkan.org/elul-week-three-forgiving-ourselves-forgiving-others

I looked into Tapping or EFT/Emotional Freedom Technique. Interesting practice. Going to see what works, fits, feels right. My good friend, cancer survivor, told me tapping really helped her deal with chemotherapy and the side effects. Think I haven't formed this as a routine yet.

Also looking further into Qigong, I need breathing exercises... must retrain my lung! (Since I wrote this, I've had two qigong sessions by a talented, thoughtful instructor at my apartment, really is a good practice, well worth the time and routine to get into.)

Finally, present day:
Every day in the morning I wake up dying to drink water... but I stop myself. I go into the bathroom and dump 2 teaspoons of coconut oil in my mouth and do 10-15 minutes of pulling. It should be more like 20 minutes but that just doesn't work out quite right yet. Then I do my swishing/gargling from the doctor- a mix of sea salt and baking soda. Plus many report that their teeth deteriorate with chemo so if pulling helps? Heck yeah, I'll do it. No fun but part of my routine. Anything I can to prevent mouth/lip/throat sores, the better. I then drink squeezed lemon in warm water with my chinese herbal medicine... every morning. There's other routines I'll share on another day.
Never heard of pulling before? You're not alone. It was new to me...
Here's a little info on it:
http://authoritynutrition.com/oil-pulling-coconut-oil/

http://edition.cnn.com/2014/08/06/health/oil-pulling/

Pulling- Months ago I asked my dentist his opinion and he said, go for it, it doesn't hurt but I don't personally believe it helps much either. So... going for it.
Happy New Year to my friends celebrating Rosh Hashanah! I wasn't at services this year but took time to reflect upon the year and appreciate all the good things that have happened. Important to do!