Cha Cha Cha Chia

Last day of work, goodbye beautiful library!

It is funny to stare into mirrors. Sometimes I feel like I'm a science experiment. I've watched my hair sprouting out of my head and appreciated how resilient my body is.  It is sort of like watching a chia seed pet growing. Presently I see a shade of hair across my head more than the glaring baldness I saw before... But boy will it take a while to grow out. Decided to pop headbands on top of my head coverings lately, something different. Eyelashes are starting to grow back, slowly... eyebrows are starting to come back.

Was quite distracted this past week wrapping up work and making sure when I walked out of school on Friday I felt closure and success. Happy to be done. Hard to say good bye to everyone/everything. Kiddo had a hard time as well and began questioning why we were moving back and not staying for at least one more year. Sigh... Doing our best for him.

I've been dealing with a few too many distractions lately. Feeling ok overall but really working to focus on the positive and redirect negative thoughts and breathe, breathe, breathe.

Beach trip with kiddo to support husband's dragon boating endeavour.

In less than two weeks we move back to Oregon. Things are going quickly by... Had met up with some wonderful, special people to say goodbye... enjoying time with each one...

Pains have eased up. I quit the pain medication and am taking an anti-inflammatory that I don't plan to take for too long.  We're dealing with many bits and pieces of leaving Hong Kong presently. Paperwork and such. Happy my husband has headed out for another trip to the Philippines, his last dash to get a little more scuba diving in... the kiddo and I are enjoying time together...

Close to the end of work...

Staying focused on the positive. Clear scan, visualizing the results... Tried out a different qigong instructor and it was ok... looking forward to trying out a different instructor in the US... Shall see. Will miss my qigong instructor so much, she's been such a supportive person. We talked about how when I go to do the PET scan this coming Monday I can do qigong exercises... plus I plan to listen to a session of yoga nidra....

Grateful some friends at home are helping my parents with the move/transition of furniture and storage to our home... Exciting that some things will be in our home when we get back. Some of our belongings aren't going to arrive in Oregon for  two months... will be little treats coming home...

 Thanks as always for journeying with me... appreciating being done with work and focusing on enjoying this huge transition.

Newest picture... such a hot day but got thru the day walking walking walking.

Finding stamina increasing.

Yes, that is mandatory

Tried out new scarf tying style after watching
a video, I didn't mind it...

Today I told my oncologist that I believed that the PET scan that's happening in a little under two weeks was going to be clear. I love that he replied, "Absolutely, yes, that is mandatory." and then later after dealing with questions and wellness checks, he said "Now, I think we'll just focus on staying positive." Then he gave me the normal firm pat pat pat on my back. I really appreciate his attitude. I've been lucky to work with him.
My questions:
When will I have my PET scan? June 29th. When will I find out results? 4 days later.
Why in the world are my eyebrows coming out? It has been 5 weeks since the last chemo dose. His answer? This shouldn't continue. It isn't too out of the ordinary. (SIGH, have a feeling that the chemo meds will take a long long time to get out of my system, but on the positive side, hopefully they are helping me out while hanging out in my body!)
What can I do with pain medicine, can I just stop taking it? (I'd cut them in half for 3 days now, not feeling need to take as much as I had before... phew) The drugs are not addictive, you can just stop. (In the medication info it does say that it is addictive, so I'm glad I did it my way...)

Saying goodbye is hard. Staff goodbye...
Decided to wear a wig instead of being in yet another
hat/scarf mix... Holding back tears and sad...
but happy sad.

Job interviews and the unknown and decisions and packing and finishing work and goodbyes are... a little distracting, draining, worrisome. Repeating to myself, I will be well. Taking many long deep breaths. Things are working out. I'm doing ok.... BUT I'll be really grateful when there are less unknowns.
Now. I really appreciate how many people care about me. Today I got advice I appreciated, mostly. Hmm. Someone who mostly knows me and my ways told me that I needed to make sure I didn't overdo things in the fall because I'll still be healing for the next year. That I need to carefully make decisions about future work with that in mind. True.... but will see. Low stress is a goal. Happiness is a goal. Feeling fulfilled is a goal. Being inspired... is a goal. Shall see.
Going to be a few active days with wonderful people and wanted to give myself a little journaling time here now. Grateful to not see my oncologist as often. Expensive and important? Yes. Less feels healthier though. The nurses in the office were so kind and friendly. They're happy for me that I'm moving but acted quite reassured that I'd be back one more time... saying goodbye everywhere is... HARD.
Having fun with the students I am seeing.
Not having fun with cataloging at work, but that's just part of the job.
Enjoying time spent with colleagues though... especially my assistant.
Lucky me.
Thank you for journeying for me. Thank you for focusing on a clean scan. Really appreciate the support and positivity from my last post. Grateful grateful grateful.

Morning time... my most frequent combo-
bamboo/cotton hat with favorite scarf tied around.

Clean Scan - Support me please

Enjoyed visiting a Cat Cafe with my friend...
blogging on Styling Librarian about it in a few weeks.

I believe...

So.

I'm having a PET scan in a few weeks. Then I will have results a few days later. I believe the scan will be clear. No cancer. I need all my friends, family, loved ones to also have this thought for me. Let's take advantage of positive thoughts.

I'm feeling much better than a few weeks ago. Taking things day by day. I will be well. I am healing. It will take a while and I'll be a little different than I was before but I feel good about the future. There is so much to live for. So much to hope for. 

I want to see my son have his Bar Mitzvah. Be there for family celebrations. Watch my son graduate from High School. Attend college. Celebrate anniversaries and life events with my husband. Have new adventures. Enjoy time with friends and family... Continue a career that I'm passionate about... I have too many good things in my life and know the future is bright.

So.
Clean scan. It will be clear, all these things I've done for almost a year have been successful.
If you talk with me about the scan, focus on the positive. Believe it will be a clean scan with me.

I feel lucky because...
I can fully breath even with part of my lung removed.
My gum has healed and I might not need surgery for the area I was concerned about.
My fingernails are growing out and looking a little bit healthier.
My hair will grow back soon enough.
My energy level fluxuates but I can enjoy work without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
My stomach is feeling a little better.
I have job prospects. Shall see.
Family are excited for us to return home.
Our friends are excited for us to return home.
I have an oncologist and other team members lined up to help me once I'm home.
Things are somewhat falling into place with paperwork and moving details here. I've got good support as needed as well...

So much to be grateful for...

So.
Clean scan.
Think it.
Believe it.
Have faith and hope for me.

Thank you as always for journeying with me... grateful, grateful, grateful...

Just Exhausted

This week was good overall. I've been dealing with numerous Skype interviews for job positions in Oregon. Don't have anything I'd like to share about those interviews at this point. Just finding positive hope for the future as a teacher librarian/school library media specialist.
Visited with my oncologist this past Friday. I was happy I gained weight. I'm not happy I'm dependent on pain medication. He's happy with my progress. I've "turned the corner"... said he knows the last round of chemo was a bit aggressive and was really hard on me. He thinks June 29th PET scan will be fine. I don't have to see him for almost two weeks which is a first in many months... so many Dr. visits! Grateful insurance has at least covered the visits...
I'm presently exhausted. I know I can't control everything but am working hard to get utilities sorted at home and also in a few days I'll be dealing with closing accounts in Hong Kong... Job searches are interesting. Shall see.
Husband is dealing with my rare meltdowns... A pretty major one occurred tonight, feeling better once I have one... that release. Part of life, that being overwhelmed thing. As much as I focus on the positive and know I can't control everything, the things I can manage are piling up a bit... Thank goodness I have family and friends I can lean on at home. My parents are helping so much with everything and my sister and brother-in-law are helping a ridiculous amount as well... plus many friends helping me with the job interview/search/selection process... good to rely on them. Grateful to have people I can quickly Facetime/Skype when I'm overwhelmed.
Started shipping boxes by boat home... we'll arrive home before they do but that's ok.
Looking forward to the transition home even though every goodbye is so hard. Today we had our Jewish community final goodbye. Kiddo was fine with it but I had a hard time with it, hugs and such... such a wonderful community. So I've said goodbye to my wonderful writing community and teacher librarian community... next will be goodbyes with my cancer support group... work goodbyes will be close to the hardest... my close friend goodbyes will break me. Some friends I'm trying to see on a weekly basis because it is just so hard to imagine not seeing them consistently soon. Thank goodness for online connections... I know it isn't completely goodbye. These friends are like my family here so... will be hard but will get thru...
Thanks for journeying with me as always...

For those who like the idea of qigong, I'm planning to purchase videos from here for continued practice once I move away:
http://taichi18.com/online-video-course/silk/
Looks like I can watch many videos for free here as well:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHEraxjZzHRVCvW9zqZl5bg

Could it be?

Husband is back from his scuba diving trip to the Philippines.
He had quite a load of fun. So happy he had that time...

So.
I know I've talked about this pain in my side for a long long time. I also have been dealing with wearing sports bras and supportive tank tops as well. The other day I rotated to sports bras after weeks of wearing supportive tank tops. That day the pain was gone. Hmm. The next day I didn't rotate back to the tank top. No pain. Today? Wore a tank top. Go figure, pain. Could it be? Could I have been treating one symptom (cellulitis in r. breast) and getting another one? Could it be as simple as stopping wearing those tank tops? I love those things darn it. And I was feeling pretty well supported. But I'll try to investigate this further. Crazy body. Crazy reactions. Glad I noticed the connecting difference... I guess... - written Wednesday. Now Saturday: pain has eased up so much, what a relief. Annoying that what I've been wearing has been giving me so much pain...

So on to another pain for the past 2 weeks.... my stomach has been giving me such pain with cramps I haven't slept more than a few hours. So I talked with my oncologist about it. He gave me pain medication. He gave me another medication but unfortunately I couldn't find a pharmacy that stocks it... shall find it soon. Pain sucks. Pain medication helps a little bit. Was able to go book shopping with the kiddo and enjoyed spending time with him... Hoping to sleep better tonight. My oncologist got a little panicky when he found out that I lost weight again (couldn't eat much all week, not sure why, couldn't even swallow pills without gagging...) and he was also concerned about the pain and wanted to get a PET scan done sooner to find out what was going on. Shall see what happens in the next week.

Time is creeping up on us... Yikes to the move happening soon.
This past week I watched a show... it helped distract me from the stomach pain- Chasing Life- was on Netflix... pretty good. Heartbreaking too since it is about a 24 year old woman who finds out she has cancer and her life is turned upside down... I know some might avoid cancer related stories as I dealt with my own situation but watching this was helpful...

Our dog is doing better.... poor old girl. She's flying out before us... getting things sorted for her. She has many issues and one is that she obsessively licks and creates sores on her skin... I decided to try having her wear a t-shirt to distract her. Really worked well. She's adorable in them and I've noticed she's much calmer at night now and I don't have to worry about her licking anymore...
Shall see how the next weeks are. Chilling out and enjoying life as well as I can. Hoping that pain eases up so that I don't have to mask it with medication...
Thanks as always for journeying with me...

You're turning the corner, I know it is hard

Love my lunch duty time because I can see
such beautiful living things.

I haven't thought about writing much recently. This week has been a little challenging for me. I'm so grateful I had the previous week off. This past week I had 4 evening activities. Two were "goodbye" dinner events which are really hard for me. I don't enjoy goodbyes. I feel socially awkward in them usually. These two events though included some really interesting conversationalists and also some dear friends sitting close which made them special... and a little harder in a way. I was pretty much plugging my way thru each work day with patience. I love school. I've mentioned this before. I love students... they gift me energy and love...

For now though, I'm just fatigued. I've been dealing with some disturbing sleep patterns that I haven't had before where I fall asleep but can't sleep more than an hour at a time without waking up. And falling back to sleep is harder that I've experienced before. And the dreams I'm having are weird and vivid where I'm working out someone else's worries and concerns. For example: One dream I've been having for multiple days is about a woman who did testing on whales of some sort and realized that the testing was emotionally disturbing them so they were beaching themselves. I dreamed about the aftermath where she was heartbroken and having to defend herself. ... so just weird. So serious.
I'm taking it easy and napping a little bit since I'm in the middle of a beautiful long weekend.

Student led conference included science electricity demonstration.

My kiddo is having a terrific weekend... a little time with me and a chance to go to a movie together (Tomorrowland- pretty heavy handed with message but decent enough flick) and enjoyed a little time together but he's mostly away at wonderful friend's homes at sleepovers. Glad my husband and I organized them. Kiddo told me today he just cannot wait to move home to Oregon but he regrets that all these good friends he has now will be left behind... glad he's so reflective, good kiddo.
My husband is away in the Philippines scuba diving, really happy for him... glad he has this opportunity. Miss him though, been a long while since we've been apart for days.

I've had a little time to watch the Hay House World Summit movies... E-Motion, The Shift, and The Tapping Solution are the ones I watched today. Such interesting creations reflecting on the emotional state... appreciate them. They're free for around one more week. Hooray for free healthy resources. Grateful.  https://www.hayhouseworldsummit.com/lessons/the-tapping-solution/
http://www.thetappingsolution.com/

Trying out tapping actually started to distract me from my frustrating side pain and stomach pain I've been consistently having. I also started having back pain, perhaps because of all the bed rest. I went to get a massage (one more prepaid massage left!) and the therapist said to me "so you're getting fat". I chuckled at this for a while. Told her that I actually am trying to gain weight and that my Dr. is concerned that I'm not gaining weight. She was astounded. Funny how someone who works on bodies would state this or be surprised. I carry my weight in my legs, that's where she was looking. Still funny to me. Told a friend about it and she told me about how when she lived in Ghana it is traditionally the greatest compliment for someone to say that you are fat... that would be quite the thing to get used to!

Went to my oncologist yesterday and he told me I should be feeling better. That he thinks I've reached the turning point of this last round of chemo... shall see. Love that he also said "I know it is hard for you" and did the heavy hand pat on my back on my way out of his office, he's a good guy, shall miss his support. I can tell that I'm better than a week ago but the pain in my side is really distracting me, can't just ignore it sometimes... and no way to massage the area.

Was interesting when someone asked me the other day if I ever slow down. I didn't realize I was giving that impression of busyness anymore. I'm still blogging and working but really, I'm so much slower and more purposeful with where I put forth my energy... not sure why it came up. Maybe the person was trying to measure herself to me? Doesn't really matter. I told her that this whole diagnosis experience has made me slower and careful about pacing myself...

My dog can still hear loud thunder and lightning.
There have been many storms recently. Poor girl.

I'm working on the transition moving home. My important things were to connect with an oncologist in the US and get insurance for the few months I'm not covered by either job. I figured out insurance now and also contacted the oncologist I feel confident going to see... I have a load to "to do" things to do here before we move like getting a background check done with the Hong Kong police to show I'm clear when I'm back in the US... also I have to deal with various financial things- taxes, retirement paperwork, and more. Trying to just pace myself and get things sorted carefully. Things will work out eventually...

A friend shared this link on Facebook, really interesting to see which organizations own organic brands... kind of mind boggling.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/business/organic-brands/

Well, thanks for journeying with me. I'm taking things day by day as always... reaching deep in my toolbox for what will help me. Happy I am trying out tapping again. Happy days to all...

My Turn Now: Faith and affirmations

I have accepted traditional medicine.
I have experienced multiple surgeries.
I believe those surgeons did what was necessary and helped save my life.
I have experienced three rounds of radiation treatment.
I believe those radiation rays went to where they needed to go to help me heal.
I have experienced six rounds of aggressive chemotherapy.
I know those chemicals have run through my body to help it heal.
I have finished the traditional medicine reaction to the cancer.

Now it is my time.
Time to focus my mind on the positive.
Continue positive affirmations.
Continue qigong.
Continue meditation.
Continue deep breathing.
Continue acupuncture.
Continue yoga.

What am I continually saying to myself? Things from Louise Hay from her book You Can Change Your Life:

My body now restores itself to its natural state.
- I'm repeating this throughout the day. It is time to heal. Time to recover. Time to be strong. Time to continue to celebrate life.

I lovingly forgive and release everything in my past.
I choose to fill my world with joy.
I love and accept myself.
I love myself just the way I am.

Years ago I experienced something I loved. When I was in high school there was a group called Dram-edy I was a part of. Drama and comedy combined. We came up with skits that communicated about positive approaches to life, taught lessons to inspire, etc.
We often began our meetings with this chant:
"I love myself.
I love my body.
I love my mind.
I love my spirit."

What positive affirmations they were... that have run through my mind through the years. I continually focus on the positive. I try my best to look for the good in others. If I'm in a situation where I'm judging another I often try to redirect that thought to think about their perspective. My best friend calls me "ever the diplomat". I think never a word more true has been spoken. I act based on how I want to see myself viewed out in the world.

This afternoon my family attended CancerLink's Celebration of Life. It was interesting. I learned about a rock star Coco Lee who is popular in Hong Kong, Korea, and in the US as well. Hmm. She sang beautifully. There were dance performances, a laughter yoga workshop (all in Chinese, ack, strained to understand, really really was interested), and it was nice to see many friends from CanSurvive group and CancerLink support group as well. Lovely people. Poor husband and kiddo. Was a bit of a push for them with 90% in Chinese. I appreciated that they came... Love my family.


There's a Hay House World Summit available right now. Free. Videos, audio inspiration and more... I appreciated watching this movie:
https://www.hayhouseworldsummit.com/lessons/you-can-heal-your-life-movie/

Appreciated this family dinner idea, what discussions and deeper understanding can occur with this: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/24/key-jar/

Feeling a little better today. More energy. Less shakiness. Grateful for how amazing the body is at healing. Taking things day by day by day. I keep on keeping on.
Thanks for journeying with me folks...