Little update plus traveling down memory lane

Enjoyed the weekend, had many restful moments and happy moments with friends and family.
Saw my magician, oh, I mean my oncologist.
He pulled another rabbit out of his hat.
He didn't quite expect my reaction.
That's ok.
So, when I went in, I looked at my lung x-ray with him. It was fascinating to see how my body has recovered since September with the operation/missing part of my lung. It was a relief to hear that he didn't see any damage to my lungs from radiation.
Then, I chatted about what his plans were for me... he wants to wait 6-8 weeks to do the PET scan because if we go too soon, there could be false positive results. Sigh. That brings me to MAY for chemo. I just want to be done already. This is costly. It is stressful to deal with the insurance game. And I might have to lose my hair once again... well... I'm not thrilled.
I responded with those thoughts to him (with my eyes filling up with tears) told him that this has been so hard so far... He said that he didn't necessarily think he would use the same combo of drugs with me for the last two rounds of chemo. He might use drugs that don't make hair fall out... does this compromise my health/future? Hmm. He also mentioned that he might not even want to do the last two rounds of chemo. All depends on the PET scan.
He gave me a referral letter to see the lymphedema specialist. Shall look into that soon.
He recommended I take an anti-inflammatory for my neck pain. Shall look into that tonight.
Sigh. Hate taking drugs but I'm still in pain and it has been 5 days since my last treatment.
I'm grateful for the break. From operation to chemo to tomotherapy/radiation this time has been really challenging. I'd like to build myself up a little... get more stamina... recover from the pain in my chest... get thru these side effects.

Got to meet up two special friends Saturday... A special author friend is visiting right now... Seeing her felt like family coming together again. Very happy to see Lenore. More time will be spent together soon, so excited and grateful for the time together...

Today, I spent the morning among wonderful loving people. Good friends to chat with... good time with my son and husband too. Today, I pulled out this old thumb drive that was in my work desk and opened it. I haven't lost everything when my computer died after all. At least I didn't lose everything from 2012 and before. But since 2012... it is a toss up. Sigh to my writing. I must get over the loss of all the documents and sit down and work on my manuscripts again. It is a goal. My husband surprised me today with the gift of an external hard drive. Shall work on proper backing up on files for the future. Sigh to that learning experience.

Appreciated my husband's reminder that some images aren't as lost as I thought. Looked through all my old emails I sent month by month for my son's first few years. Made me so happy to read those old updates. Kiddo sure has grown a lot since those emails and images.
Ready to enjoy a week at work. Thanks for journeying with me....

Happy day meeting up with Lenore...

Pace yourself girl

This week whipped my behind.
I enjoyed it though. I knew it would be hard. Plus having terrible sleep doesn't help.
Coughing is still frustrating... Medicine does not help. I have seen an increase recently but am hoping that will turn around soon... Friday was the worst for this, to be honest. But somehow I got thru all the class library times and didn't break down coughing as the narrator during the puppet show yesterday (that was my biggest concern, phew).
Enjoyed time with my family this week. Little things like my kiddo finally getting new shoes felt like such a success story. Felt a little sad that I didn't have energy to go to one event that I'd committed to and another one I was excited about but being careful is more important.
Got x-ray done. Shoulder/neck pain is so annoying. Distracting. Curious to see what my oncologist says. Hoping to get a referral note to see that specialist, shall see.
Gotta say, these past three days waking up and being free of the hospital trek was a beautiful thing.
Enjoyed the children's book week, a bit going on next week as well with an author visit and also a favorite author friend visiting my home...  all good things...

So... I sorted and organized all my paperwork again for medical info. I tend to allow it to accumulate (in a somewhat organized manner) during each treatment and then at the end sort it out... another form of closure. It's amazing how thick this health documentation file has grown since my diagnosis in August. What a long time it has been, yet so short in the scheme of things I suppose. Happy to have things sorted there. Now on to organizing little areas so that when we move it will be easier to pack...

I have an issue that I've been really quiet about. I suppose this journal hasn't really felt like the place to reflect on this but now... I'm ok with it:
I'm not fond of how Susan B. Komen for the Cure manages the funding that is raised. I find that there is enough awareness of breast cancer, I dream that they could refocus on funding research... I find that pamphlets about breast exams and encouragement about getting mammograms is important, don't get me wrong... but I find it disturbing how little of their fundraising goes towards research and innovation presently... I follow one woman blogger who has started a change.org petition... I was happy to sign this, thought I'd share.
https://www.change.org/p/keep-a-breast-foundation-i-ask-that-komen-commit-at-least-50-of-total-donations-to-medical-research-and-innovation-rather-than-to-awareness-and-education-i-request-all-other-breast-cancer-non-profits-do-the-same?after_sign_exp=member_sponsored_donation

One sweet kiddo this week came up to me with big eyes and said, "You've been so brave." I asked, "What? Doing the puppet show?" She said, "No, when you were sick..."  I told her, "Yes I am brave." And then moved on. It is amazing how being at work can distract me from illness. A very good thing sometimes.

Thanks for journeying with me as always...

See my Dr. Seuss converse shoes? I love them...
inspired from the book If I ran the circus. I dressed as Where's Waldo/Wally.
Thanks to some wonderful people for loaning me, my kiddo, and some other colleagues the costumes,
made life much easier.

Third time saying DONE

Hallelujah.
   Grateful to be done with this radiation crap. Walking down the hall every session. Going into the room to remove clothing and jewelry each time. Putting it all in a little locker and wearing the key bracelet down the hall. Putting the key on the little counter. Kicking off slippers, climbing up on the table, fitting into the body cast, laying down with arms painfully above head, covered with a sheet, adjusted left and right writing on my skin near my "tattoos", getting my other tattoo checked in the center of my chest, covered up in a fleece blanket, and going in and out of the tube... Done. Done. Done. So grateful to be finished. Hallelujah.
   Loved when I heard the words, "Ok Debbie, for the last time, it won't be long now." Brought tears to my eyes. She knew I was listening. Lovely woman... Hope she helps everyone like she did me... so kind and patient with my questions and always a smile when I came out of the changing room.
   Can't believe I have gone through three rounds of radiation treatment. This one was the most amount of treatment days. This one was the oddest because I was focused on the radiation going and killing a specific cancer tumor vs. just killing possible stray cancer cells after a tumor was removed.
Now. Waiting. Healing. I know I'm still burning from the inside out. I'm grateful to not have my skin burning this time though. I'm not fond of the side effects, but I know I'm lucky in comparison to so many others who went thru radiation in this area.
   Tomorrow? Happy to not be heading to the hospital after school.
   The next day? lung x-ray... gotta dig thru my x-rays to find my other old lung x-ray so they can compare and see if there is any damage. Then time to see my oncologist and see what he thinks and when he wants me to have that PET scan.
   Getting thru. Day to day.
   Wiped out presently. Shall see how I'm feeling in a week's time. My husband is happy I have a little recovery time. I need it. It takes over a month to feel almost like myself after radiation treatment. I remember this all too well. Energy is low. Healing is slow.
One other thing to be grateful for is not having to see that radiologist. I've been anxious the whole time I went for radiation treatment because the last two treatment rounds he made sure to see me part way through and at the end. Glad he never was there. Perhaps my oncologist told him to stay away.
Really glad that he did his part planning how the radiation should go and then let the experts run the machines and take care of me. Goodness I'm grateful. Need to stay away from his negativity as much as I can.
   Moving on. Moving up. Treating myself with care. Hoping to get over sleeping issues I've had this past week sooner than later. Shall see. Same with the neck pain. Appreciated emailing a lymphodema specialist to find out more about how to treat my neck. So glad that I learned about risks. Now I know what to watch for and how to treat my body, especially good to know to avoid heat and ice packs... I certainly want to meet up with him soon but waiting to talk with my oncologist about it first.
   I did get to celebrate a little bit after treatment by attending a Hong Kong librarians meeting (love my colleagues) and meeting a wonderful, talented author and illustrator. Then I came home and slowly ate dinner, redirected my brain to a few shows, and chilled out with family...
Many thanks for all the support all. Appreciate you journeying with me. Feels like a major step I accomplished today, even for the third time...

Goodbye locker. Goodbye hospital gowns.
Goodbye yucky hospital slippers. Goodbye treatments.
Thank goodness.

Only 2 more

Getting thru the days. Enjoyed visiting an Indian Food restaurant, delicious place. My husband said, "Wow, I'd get this takeout food every day if I could get you to eat this much at every meal." Nice to have an appetite and like food... PLUS we ordered take-out the next day from the same place, y-u-m. Yes, I'm addicted and my husband is ever so supportive...
I'm quite happy that I'm looking at final two treatment days. Pretty exhausted. Painful to deal with treatment but I'm grateful to not be burned on the skin this time. I think the main thing bringing me down right now is the shoulder and neck pain I've had since the first day of treatment. Putting that right arm over my head has exacerbated the pain... not certain how to handle it.
Normally I'd put ice on a pained area or a heat pack but I recently sat through a presentation about lymphedema and one of the recommendations was that I avoid a sauna, hot tub, or anything that makes my skin pink... also I'm supposed to avoid having anything freezing on my skin. That makes things quite limiting.
I learned also about how lymphedema occurring in different quadrants based on how the lymph nodes work... Unfortunately, I've had lymph nodes compromised in 3 areas of my body. With the cervical cancer, they harvested lymph nodes. With the breast cancer, they harvested lymph nodes under my right arm- go figure, it is my right shoulder that's in pain... With the metastatic cervical cancer, they removed a portion of my lymph nodes near my heart, those are the ones that are getting radiated presently. Think I should see a specialist to check on my lymph nodes, learn if I need compression sleeve, etc. Shall be chatting with my oncologist about this on Saturday when I see him next. Quite disconcerting but good to be aware I suppose.
Now to finish my long countdown from 30 to 0. Will be really happy to get there finally.
My husband snuck this picture of me when I was snuggling with our dog today. I'm pretty darn fatigued lately... My hair is growing in quite nice but I know it could all go away with those last two chemo treatments, sigh. Shall see. Personally the thing that stands out to me is my eyelashes since they are mostly returned now... I somewhat almost can see myself and see a healthy person again...
Thanks for journeying with me, really grateful...

Ticking the days off

No more Wednesday treatments. Happy day. 4 left. The end is in sight. Not thrilled about any treatment. But I'm making the lab technicians laugh as I walk in. Today I let them know "today is my last Wednesday"... One of my favorite technicians always says as she leaves me, "Won't be long." If she's not there that day I say it to myself. She's seen me through my radiation treatment for the cervical cancer, breast cancer, and now lymph nodes... kind woman. Another one used to say to me "stay still" during the breast cancer treatment. She doesn't say that anymore. I do not BUDGE or even breath more than shallow breaths once they're done writing on me, adjusting me, rolling me, positioning me just right. I'm honestly freaked out about moving a smidge at all because I don't want that radiation going anywhere wrong. Bad enough where it hits now.

Pretty drained/tired but still enjoying work. Don't feel like I'm overdoing things, just is annoying to get up in the mornings.... but I've never been a morning person. The end of the work week is tougher for me, more talking with some classes. Adjusted my lessons with some groups this week so that I don't talk as much and am LOVING my decision. Nice to have students back to independently exploring literature. Will add back technology projects and research soon... less talk from me... I did finish reading aloud one of my favorite books today with my son's class- read Love that Dog by Sharon Creech to them. I never tire of this book. I have most of it memorized. I adored the conversations once I was done about how the students felt about the book, cared about the character, how they enjoyed the entries in the book, how they followed the storyline... (they just finished an inquiry unit on the arts, connects to novels in verse perfectly)...  My favorite moment was chatting with one group of kids about how they loved Sharon Creech's book Heartbeat which they read for Battle of the Books this year and another group of kids came and told me they loved Walk Two Moons and then another group begged me to get Hate that Cat- the sequel to Love that Dog for the library (shocked I didn't buy it already)... Oh to love an author and have a little money left in my book budget to fulfill kids' wishes!
I received the most beautiful, supportive letter from Sharon about a month ago that really touched my heart... she's such a wonderful, thoughtful person. Have opened/read the letter many times since receiving it. It is like looking at a piece of art, lifts my spirits. Love that I can connect with her and other fantastic authors online... such a lucky person I am...

Enjoyed actually getting to treatment early today because of a lovely car ride from a friend and immediately going to treatment early and heading home at a decent time. Especially appreciated the bonus of meeting up with my kiddo on the minibus on the way home. Fun to catch up with him at the end of the school day. He was thrilled.

My good friend sent me this post I found quite helpful for thinking about future scans and stopping myself from worrying... She always sends the best advice:
10 Tips for Coping with Scanxiety:
http://www.curetoday.com/community/tori-tomalia/2015/02/10-tips-for-coping-with-scanxiety?utm_source=Informz&utm_medium=Cure+Today&utm_campaign=CURExtra+email+2-18-15

This blog post upset and inspired me simultaneously: "As I lay dying":
http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-becklund-breast-cancer-komen-20150222-story.html#page=1

Two more treatments this week, two more work days... Next week, last two treatments and then some recovery...

Enjoying each day for the gift it is, sometimes zoning out a little more but pacing myself best I can.
Thanks for journeying all...

And then she said...

Decided to type a little bit.
I'm not shy. I used to be, not so much so now. I find teaching/learning opportunities all over the place, don't you?

I had the lovely opportunity to teach about kindness and manners today.
"Please don't point and me and yell 'Woah!', instead, could you please say 'Mrs. Alvarez, you surprised me with this hair change.'"
"Excuse me, when I say 'Good morning' and you don't say anything and just giggle to your friend as you go by, I think you're laughing at me. Instead, could you say, 'Mrs. Alvarez, I'm noticing your hair is different' or 'Good morning' please?"

"Mrs. Alvarez, what did you DO to your HAIR?!"
"1. Yes, my hair is different. 2. It is colored different. 3. It is rude to interrupt, can you see I'm running a battle here?"
- battle of the books competitions began today, always tough to see teams losing but love seeing everyone stocking up and reading more books!!

Dialogue:
"Mrs. Alvarez."
"Yes."
"Is this your hair?"
"Yes"
"Did you color it?"
"Yes"
"Were you wearing a wig before this?"
"Yes"
(This was my favorite dialogue, straightforward, honest, and moved on with things quickly.)

One sweetie walked up to me, "You changed your hair, it looks like my grandma's hair now!" I thought to myself, you've got a cool grandma then... but also gave her a look like, seriously?!

Only one student asked, "Seriously, what is going on with your hair, can you explain to me, please?" - I handed her the book Nowhere Hair - love that picture book, so thoughtfully written- during the lunch since I was running a battle and couldn't chat, told her it was a similar situation to mine... She's a caring sweetie. Shall chat with her more soon.

Some kids gave me huge smiles.
Some gave me wide-eyed shocked looks but then smiled and said "Hi"...
Other kids came up and said they loved my new style and color.
My colleagues were beautifully supportive and kind and I appreciate them to bits.

Yeah.
Hair.
Think it will take at least this week to muddle thru the confused looks and conversation. I do have 700 students to see eventually... I only saw around 220 today, maybe a few more... Now WHAT will happen if my hair all falls out with the last 2 rounds of chemo? I do have permission to wear hats... le sigh. Don't miss you wig, not a bit.

Why am I letting the PET scan loom over me like a storm cloud? I hate "what if?" things. I just want to have a few weeks off... got thru #24. 6 left. That's 1 Monday, 2 Tuesdays, 1 Wednesday, 1 Thursday, 1 Friday. One day at a time. I'm exhausted today. Already curled up in bed. Enjoyed work. Ok staff meeting. Appreciated a lovely friend walking me to the hospital and chatting with me for almost an hour when the clinic ran late, what is with them and Mondays? And glad when the minibus arrived just minutes after I went to wait for it... Not much appetite today. Forced myself to eat lunch. Ate a small portion for dinner. Hoping for better tomorrow... Shall see. Funny enough my appetite is weird and I just want bad food presently like macaroni and cheese-- from a box thank you--- and Ikea meatballs- greasier the better, thanks... yep. I know what it would do to my body. Nope I'm holding back, mostly. Yep, I will eat mostly unhealthy crap if that's what it takes to get food in my body. Shall see!

Thanks for journeying with me... was brave today, was slightly scared, and did I mention I adore my colleagues for their supportive conversations and then other topic discussions as well? Grateful...

Going to work...

Days are slow going.
Enjoyed many off although I often felt slightly guilty through the week that I wasn't more fun, wasn't organizing play dates, and was leaving the brunt of everything- cooking, shopping, dog walking, kiddo entertaining... to my husband. He's wonderful. Just wish it was a better balance but appreciate what he's done picking up the pieces. He's told me in his own way to keep up what I'm doing to stay positive and work on kicking cancer out of my body. Don't think all of my practices with essential oils, Chinese herbal medicine that grosses me out each time I drink it, qi gong practices, yoga and such are completely understood but boy do I feel complete support of everything I'm doing in this journey to keep strong and get rid of cancer.

Going to work without a wig.
Been looming.
Started making up a chant about it.
Silly I know. But there's my brain.

Inspired by - We're going on a bear hunt...

I'm going to work wigless, it's gonna be a big one, I'm not scared.
Can't avoid it, can't ignore it, just gonna push through it,
one day at a time....
-Stop- that's where I'd like to stop for now.

Grateful I got through a few commitments I was concerned about over the past week. Felt good to keep promises. Didn't accomplish everything I'd hoped to over the past week, especially with some professional reading I wanted to get through... Shall see what I get through over the next few weeks. It took me a while to read a book for one commitment and after I finished that I started this terrible book that I promised one of my students I'd read ages ago... I really, really don't like it. I can see why kids do though... I think. So, to clear the bad taste out of my mouth from the horrible book I had to read a few book treasures for future book reviews. Loved them, just like I knew I would. Shall be finishing that terrible book tonight. It actually has three stories in one book. Only going to torture myself with one of them. Will be happy to return it to the library and move on to other books instead... (So sorry to my Enid Blyton friends, I really tried, really. I just don't like her style and I feel quite disconnected the whole time I reading the book... sigh.)


Read this article about the food industry and found it thoroughly disturbing and simultaneously enlightening...
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/21/a-feast-of-engineering-whats-really-in-your-food

As always, thanks for journeying with me. Probably will be quiet this week as I tackle many days of activities and commitments and treatment...  one day at a time...