Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Well Darn. That explains a little.

I just adore my guys...
Today is Yom Kippur.
Today is my husband's birthday.
Today I couldn't swallow.
Seriously.
I've had trouble swallowing for weeks now. Keep saying I'm having trouble. Had nausea because of it I think.
So.
I got up to prepare to go to services for Yom Kippur this morning with family.
Got ready feeling a little shakey but ok overall until I finished taking my supplements and went for a bite of food. It felt stuck in my throat.
I told my husband, "Something's really wrong." Laid down on the couch. Didn't help.
Laid down in bed. Said sorry to family about missing services- glad they went without me.
After an hour I wrote my oncologist's office.
Said "I can't swallow and it is weird."
They called within a few hours.
Told me to go see my primary care physician. He was available so I went to see him mid-day.
He was concerned. I've lost 7 pounds in 2 weeks. Seriously. So frustrated about this.
He said, "Well, we have a good thing, you can still drink liquids, so you can gain weight with liquids." Yeah sure. Man, I LOVE food. I'm not pleased.
He sent me for an x-ray to see if there was some obstruction. Couldn't see anything on the x-ray. Found my scan interesting though since my internal organs have shifted a bit since my lower lung on the right is gone.
He told me I had to get a CT scan with a contrast = needle.
He performed a miracle and got one for me an hour later.
Quiet waiting room for my mom while I got the scan.
Then his nurse performed a miracle and got my insurance to approve of it within the 40 minutes it took for me to get there with my mom (I picked her up, needle = I want my mom!!! Or a loved one for support!)
The center I went to was terrific. NOT a hospital. All they do is scans, they are focused on you. That's the way to go in my opinion.
The wonderful person was able to get a line in me, quickly zip me in and out of the CT machine, put the contrast in me, again zip me in and out of the CT machine and I was done.
I've been avoiding scans.
Last week my physician's assistant (who I loved) really wanted to scan me right away but I told her I really didn't want more things zapping me/being pushed into me... can't avoid it now Debbie!

Got home.
Watched the end of the documentary on the comedian Tig on Netflix- I recommend it, loved it.
Snuggled with my dog.
Got the call.
My primary care physician called me and gave me news.
Blech.
I should have called my husband in and put the dr. on speakerphone.
Didn't realize the brain dump I'd receive... good Dr. though.

So, the tumor of my lymph nodes that was always near my esophagus/heart that was 1.5 cm or so is now 3 or so cm. It is like a little cluster of grapes going down my esophagus and ending near my stomach. There are many enlarged lymph nodes...
They could be going into my muscle wall of my esophagus and slowing down my swallowing.
This could be the reason I've felt pain in my chest, this could be why I've been throwing up, this could be why I feel like when I swallow food is stuck when it gets down to my chest, this could be the reason I've been nauseaus, this could be the reason for many things. Sigh.

The doctor then went on to say that since surgery has been ruled out they probably will discuss radiation. If I continue to worsen, I'd need to have a feeding tube... seriously!! That blew my mind.
Not happy.

The doctor said he'd be calling my oncologist/physician's assistant in the morning and discussing my case and then someone will contact me with more thoughts.
So.

I was not thrilled.
It is Yom Kippur.
It is my husband's birthday.
We went over to my parents and had a party for my husband.
My husband's kind of birthday cake- pumpkin pie!!
We had fun.
We laughed.
I ATE FOOD.
First I ate my mom's homemade matzoh ball soup. Felt fine.
Then I ate some avocado. YUM.
Then I had a few pieces of cheesy bread, because I wanted it.
Then I had a piece of pumpkin pie. Because I could.
Then I had a chocolate chip cookie. Because YUM. It is my favorite treat.
Then I had some grapes. Because I could.
So there. I ate. I didn't gag. I didn't throw up (I did throw up last night when I tried to swallow some supplements, it just isn't happening at night).
I love my sister and brother-in-law, they make me laugh and share
share so much love and happiness with everyone...
I ate.
I will give myself time.
I will get up earlier so I don't feel rushed.
I'll eat softer foods.
I'll boost my weight.
I will not deal with a freaking tube (I hope, stubborn Debbie digging in her heels.)

I'm sure I could turn this into a Laura Numeroff story- If you give a mouse a cookie... but naah.
I ate. That's enough.
My family is the best.
I love them.
I'm so lucky.
I'm so glad to be home with them.
My parents saved the day with our kiddo.
My parents are the best. Seriously.
Nope, we didn't plan the Peanuts matching gear. Just how we think.
My husband was able to recover from an interview, flat tire, and get home without worrying about our kiddo thanks to my dad picking him up...
My mom was there with me for the scan. The nurse said "You have a really sweet mom." And I said "Yes, yes I do."
I feel so lucky.
Thank you to all my family and friends who are pulling for me and praying for me. I appreciate it. I feel the support. Even in those low moments today, I know I'm loved and supported.
Thanks for keeping up on my journey. The ups and downs of it. Thanks for reading my long drawn out journals. They help me think out things... and hopefully help wonderful people understand what's going on...

42 comments:

  1. Not a good day, I am glad you are with your are with your family. Thinking of you xx

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  2. You are amazingly strong and I marvel at your amazing attitude despite your circumstance. You are my hero and my role model. You are an inspiration to all. I am shamed at my weakness. Keep fighting. I send you thoughts and prayers of many healthy days. Love you Debbie

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    1. Thank you Michelle- please honor your strength... love your way...

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  3. Mama mia! Crazy things, leave Debbie alone, she's had enough! Beaming you loverino times seventy zillion :))) xx

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  4. ❤️ to you, Debbie. You are a warrior, even if you don't feel like it.

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  5. This has me shaking reading it. Shaking with fear and fury and anger, then crying with how strong and brave you are (what choice? I know, I know, but still). So many people have grown to love you through this journey because of how you journey. So many people loved you before it. I'm going to stand in fucking tree.

    Love you deeply. Rooting for you every minute. Wishing you health and peace.

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  6. So very sorry about the bad news. If anyone can will their way out of a feeding tube, it's you. I'm so impressed with your ability and determination to always find something good to be grateful for even when things seem to be falling down around you. I'm glad you are back with your family now. They are wonderful!

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    1. Thanks Michelle...
      Yup, I am a little stubborn... finding things to appreciate in everything I experience...

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  7. So much love to you, Debbie. Glad you have an amazing family around you!!

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  8. Sending you love and hugs Debbie! You are so amazing and inspire so many! Grateful for you!

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  9. Oh Debbie--My heart hurts for you--for all you've gone through and continue to go through. This ROYALLY SUCKS the big one! You, my dear, are a true woman warrior. Honest to God--you are so loved by so many. So respected by so many. Don't ever apologize for what you're sharing and how you're sharing in this amazing journal of yours. sending you hugs right, left and center!!!!!!!

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  10. Debbie, thanks for this update. It was the first thing I read this morning. After I got past the tough parts, I was overwhelmed by your shining message of gratitude and love. The news does suck but you've managed to focus on all the important parts--gratitude, acceptance, and love for those who love us and support us as we walk through this life together. And, of course, pie. All those little bits of life, moment by moment, that make joy possible. Please know I'm sending love, hugs, and prayers from across the mountains.

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    1. Thank you, grateful for the love hugs and prayers. :) Appreciate your thoughts... :)

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  11. This sucks!! But you and the rest of us must be brave and tough. If your loved ones aren't available, I am always ready to come, sit by your side and give support. 😘

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  12. You are awe inspiring. My admiration and prayers continue. Jen Burkart

    PS I have a Vitamix collecting dust. Message me if you would like to borrow it

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    1. Thank you... don't need the Vitamix- just bought a blender a few weeks ago. :) Hugs your way...

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  13. Oh My God Debbie! Damn damn damn cancer. You keep fighting and I'll keep praying. And you are totally loved by so many; even those of us who have never met you. Sending you much love and lots of doggy kisses.

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    1. Yes, damn cancer... Many hugs and much love your way.

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  14. Love you, Debbie. Reaching my arms and heart and everything out to you in this scary moment. We are all fighting for you, everyone of us. XXOXOOXOXO

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  15. Cancer sucks, praying for you. You are an inspiration, so encouraging in the midst of hardship.

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  16. Strength...so glad you are back with your family. :)

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  18. So frustrated for you. Glad you are with family. Loved seeing the pictures of your family. And...I will think of you when we see the new Peanuts movie. : ) xo, Amy

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    1. Thank you! Yes, can't wait for that new movie! x

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  19. I was going to say: strength from London but I'm in Washington right now. Still. STRENGTH. And keep up the love.

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  20. I was going to say: strength from London but I'm in Washington right now. Still. STRENGTH. And keep up the love.

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  21. Yes, keep eating! Fight on, Debbie!!!

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