Update Squeaking in #14 and Heading OFF

My kiddo's art, surprised me. Love it.

So excited for the holiday!
Happy that I got into work for three days. Think that I've gotten over the weakness stigma that I was judging myself with for taking sleep medication- what a godsend it is. I really needed sleep Wednesday night after having one of those "can't believe I have insomnia it isn't the first day of school for goodness sakes" the night before...

I've really missed my coworkers. Many leave mid year, mid term, etc... it isn't that they don't love Bradbury, just the life of teaching in a school filled with many expats (many locals as well). I was so grateful for my supply teacher/substitute, she was so wonderful, organized the library with a new set of eyes, got projects done that brighten up areas that needed brightening, and took care of my wonderful staff and beautiful students... So grateful I could simply walk in and teach Wednesday-Friday. SO lucky I am. And my school.  So it was terrific to be back. I chatted with someone and agreed that the true test of my energy will be in January when I'm coming back after treatment on Saturday and work a whole week. As long as I don't feel overtaxed or such, I'm going for it, I'm working... BUT I'm watching myself carefully. Today I had to run to catch a bus and still had energy for that but never know. Grateful for every minute I have.

Debbie, how did the kids/staff react to your hair/wig? All support and respect from staff... they're lovely. Kids are brutally honest but I was ready. "Mrs. Alvarez you look so different!" "Mrs. Alvarez, what happened to your hair?" "Mrs. Alvarez, your hair looks weird." "Mrs. Alvarez I missed you, I know you've been sick, what was wrong?"
My reaction? I said to the wig/hair comments: "Well, this is my hair now and I'm getting used to it, it is what I have and part of me." They seemed to take that well enough. My answer to the what's been wrong, here's what I said to my students: "I've been sick for three stinky months. I did not like it. I'm not quite strong like a superhero yet but I am strong enough to see and teach you, so I'm happy to be here." The kids who pushed further got a "I really don't want to talk about that personal information." - I've learned over the years with sweet kiddos that you don't leave the door open for further questions, just flat out say what you feel and they'll stop. I'm respectful and redirect the conversation afterwards. Some of my students know I had cancer, they think it is lung cancer (because that's what it was diagnosed as when I left work, that's ok, do they have to have those details?) Some of my (honestly) favorites really learned the truth and handled it quite well and just asked some thoughtful questions about how I was feeling and told me they missed me... I only saw half my students this week, will catch up with the rest after the holiday.

#14 Treatment sucks as always (what's new, right?). My concern about my half-covered-with-a-bruise hand wasn't necessary since I'm alternating hands. Keeping up with the topical bruise medication... One of my favorite nurses was quite pleased with the vein she used today. Who knew veins would be exciting. My hands aren't happy presently as I'm using much much much hand sanitizer but I'm also using some terrific hand lotion from many thoughtful friends who just knew what I needed. Only one drug this week... and flying out. Can't wait. Can't wait. Talked with my oncologist further about what would happen with treatment... two more- those Saturdays after the holidays. Then a BREAK. Then radiation. He said "We hope to get rid of the rest of the cancer with radiation." I'm trying to be confident about going back into that tube. It was painful and I'm a little concerned about how my throat/bronchial tube will react to getting zapped... plus the past radiation area will be touched as well which isn't thrilling. Shall see. Then after radiation, if I'm strong and can handle it, "clean up chemo"- two more treatments just three weeks apart and then shall see if there is further prescriptions he wishes to give me. So I see a light. I see 2 more chemo rounds, radiation and 2 more chemo rounds- that means 4 more times I'll be stuck with that long needle in my hand/arm. I can accept that. I'll work hard so my body can also accept it. I'm feeling stronger this week. A little wiped, a little excited about the holiday, and happy about seeing students and staff. My administration has been respectful, bluntly honest and concerned, but respectful. I've hit them with another thing that I'll share soon enough and they've been kind and patient. I'm so so so grateful for the situation I'm in. I read about others dealing with cancer who don't have the support I do.

Grateful for all the support online, wow. I feel so lucky and loved... and grateful...

I subscribe to Soul Pancake- YouTube channel- have subscribed for a long time and LOVE it. L-O-V-E it... when I have time to watch it. I came across a new series they're putting out, below are the first two. Short 3 minute-ish videos. So honest, raw, humorous, touching... love them.
Highly Evolved Human:

Also appreciated this 60 Minutes report on Mindfulness- my mom sent my way, thank you Mom!! :)
http://www.cbsnews.com/news/mindfulness-anderson-cooper-60-minutes/

Finally, I also read this post by a Cancer Survivor/Thriver- 13 Ways I live my life with purpose after cancer:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamika-felder/13-ways-i-live-my-life-with-purpose-after-cancer_b_5241858.html
I agree with every single item on her list but disagree. I live my life with purpose during this triple hitter cancer experience, it is imperative to have goals and be purposeful. My husband told me the second day after I returned to work how happy he noticed I was. How much more active I was than other days... Today was a harder day (treatment sucks). I enjoyed work but was honestly grumpy and a little snappy during/after treatment. This is due to leaving my safe cocoon... I've picked myself up by looking at happy "stuff" that refocuses me to the positive... Can't live in that negative. Finding my moments...

Feeling the love from my students....

Get well card book given as well... so touched.

Answers... well we asked for them.

Less than a week ago, my husband and I walked away, frustrated, from my oncologist's office. We had more questions than answers. Today, we received some answers... but we certainly didn't walk away from the appointment happy or relieved. Honestly, I'm overwhelmed. My wonderful husband is... quiet and contemplative and supportive and... surviving too...

I attended my first 'CanSurvive' meeting today (cancer support group) that included a lunch with many friendly strangers who were catching up after months apart and then going to a lecture with a counselor who talked about how to manage negative thoughts and how to reshape and redirect them. Appreciated the lecture and was frustrated to have to leave early for my oncologist appointment... Think part of the frustration was that I knew answers were coming from my oncologist.
Here's the YouTube video I took note of when I had to leave - shared by the counselor from the Well Cast Channel: interesting approach to reshaping thoughts... think I'll watch more videos from this channel, a little disappointed that it isn't quite appropriate for primary school since I like some of the topics...

I'm mentally working through the chemotherapy plans... new more aggressive plans because unfortunately my prediction was right, my oncologist assessed the lab results and confirmed that the cancer I have now is metastatic cervical cancer in my lungs. He has a much more aggressive plan for chemotherapy than he had when it was the lung cancer diagnosis. Now I have to go for chemo weekly with a rotation of different medicine each week on a four week cycle. I will lose my hair, no doubting that now, scarves are my new focus instead of hats, shall see. This protocol can have many side effects. The costs of all the chemotherapy is overwhelming. I'm checking in with insurance to see what will be covered.
I considered going to the local hospitals in Hong Kong now that I finally have an official diagnosis and a referral letter from my doctor as of today. Unfortunately, getting an appointment could take 2-3 weeks and getting treatment could take 1-3 weeks later... which isn't very promising. I'll still look into the local treatment, even just for radiation treatment, shall see.
My oncologist wasn't very encouraging about the government/local hospitals proceeding with the protocol he has created for me. He thought they'd prefer to do radiation first which he did not recommend. This means a lot to me because...
1. I want to survive, recover, and be in remission.
2. I can't imagine putting off treatment for another month when my oncologist wants to begin next week (I just hit my 2 week mark after having surgery, can't believe it will be just 3 weeks and then chemo treatment begins but as a friend said to me, those Hong Kong doctors do not mess around!)
3. I trust my oncologist. I do not believe he would exaggerate or dissuade me because he wants my business. I believe he wants the best for me.

So, will talk and sort out finances and begin chemotherapy sometime next week.
Looking forward.
Staying strong.
Overwhelmed but dealing with emotions as they roll... and they will... and that's ok...

Thinking that I would like to focus on humor a little more. Find funny videos that make me laugh, comic strips, comedians... anyone have a favorite? I adore comic strips, subscribe to many online... almost as obsessed with them as I am with graphic novels.

Appreciated one cancer survivor's story in the book Radical Remission which included her and her daughter making time at the beginning and end of the day to find ways to laugh. I love to laugh. My son does too... perhaps that's something we can do together for a new routine. He already thinks I find the most awesome videos to share with him... The librarian in me is already mentally figuring out how to organize this...

I am looking into comedians on YouTube, here's the first one I'll be watching: - Humorous guy, I like his slightly twisted approach... for adults though.

Also, I like the idea of creating one of these: http://www.comedycures.org/stuff/make-a-joke-book/ vs. making a get-well-soon card for classes, nice idea... productive, positive idea... :)

Grateful my mom suggested I reread that chapter in Radical Remission... inspiring. Good for redirecting my mind to the positive and thinking about humor.

Thanks all for keeping up with my journey. Getting through...

Inspiring me

So, I love when my husband asks me what I've done during the day. When life was normal, I'd fill him in on work inspiration stories... now that I'm recovering from surgery....
Some days, I'm a little productive. Take today... I finally made three phone calls and followed through on some paperwork all of which I've avoided for a while. I also had a wonderful visit from a sweet friend.
Other days, I'm just surviving. Reading. Browsing online. Not productive.
I allow the day to shape itself.
So far.

I've made sure to get myself out walking every day. I've been contemplating what I want to do when I'm dealing with chemo treatment. An inspiring friend walked 2-3 miles every day during her treatment. I would like to increase my stamina and recover from this recent surgery so that I could do something healthy every day during chemotherapy and radiation treatments as well. So, do I want to go for a weekly hike? shopping adventures around random areas in Hong Kong? visit all the libraries in Hong Kong that I can? explore new areas of Hong Kong by hopping on random ferries and wandering around a little island for the day? visit all the beautiful beaches? work on my manuscripts? go work out at the gym that my husband and I joined right after my breast cancer surgeries? Hmm. Options are bountiful, which is lovely. But will be careful to pace myself, read how much I can honestly handle...

I've had chats with friends about life.
That's valued time for me.
I've done so in person and also online.
I've organized playdates and hung out with my son and husband. That's treasured time.

I'll go to my first cancer support group activity next Wednesday. Can't believe I was diagnosed a year ago and I'm only just looking into this... but I did have a close friend who dealt with similar treatments who gave eloquent advice in my first round with cervical cancer and another good friend who helped me learn about new diets and healthy choices during my second round with breast cancer... CancerLink has some healthy activities starting up in October, I wrote down 7 classes like meditation, yogaa, chanting, and more that looked promising and will narrow down within a week.
Each round has been different. Enlightening in different ways. Grateful for the experience although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever. I know I'm growing as a person but honestly, could've grown without this type of experience.

Thought I'd share a smattering of what's inspired me in the world of fighting, living, and dealing with cancer... I've browsed, watched, and learned more through other's experiences. Really appreciate others sharing what they've dealt with.
So inspiring me recently were these- two videos and two articles. I mostly find these through Facebook groups I joined thanks to another friend's recommendation recently.
First, a brave man who shares what it is like with chemo, loved this video, love how connected he is with people at the hospital but can just imagine how many days he's dealt with life there... impressing singing!

Second, an interview - really appreciated the perspectives shared: (I appreciate following The Silver Lining and reading recipes and posts too.)

An article on how it is helpful to write your way through cancer? Why yes, thank you I agree:

http://copingmag.com/cwc/index.php/feature_article/write_your_way_through_cancer

Fighting cancer perspective: Does cancer ever win? Appreciated this powerful reflection:

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/09-04-2014/Does-Cancer-Ever-Win

What else inspires me (to fight, stay positive, go one day at a time)?
Little special messages from my sister and happy thoughts from her.
Loving messages from my mom every day staying stronger than I am, ready to listen anytime.
Close friends booking time to Skype with me.
Wonderful friends writing and sending me messages about how they're thinking of me, praying for me, and more.
A friend who shared my name in her prayer circle at a retreat the day of my big surgery.
A friend who stuck in her yoga tree pose and sent energy and positive thoughts my way, then also shared my story with her classmates so they also sent positive thoughts my way. Across the ocean, received.
My son's consistent love, even when it is all about him (which is just wonderful for an 8 year old) he's such a sweet, caring soul...
My husband's persistence in providing me with happiness, love, and humor. I love making him laugh and it is reciprocated through conversations, tv shows shared, and more. So grateful.
My dad and other loving family members sending special messages.
Positive messages from my colleagues and friends from work reaching out and ready to help with anything needed.

I also appreciated these 100 Wise Words from an Econ Professor...

Random thoughts about activity in recovery

So Debbie, what do you do after part of your lung has been cut out, your cancerous lymph nodes were mostly removed, and you're stuck in recovery at the hospital?
Well.
Honestly?
Visit with friends.
In person.
Online.
Through Skype.
Visit with family online and thru Skype.
Call people randomly and surprise them, take advantage of my time.
Read books.
Glance thru magazines.
Walk many many laps around this mini-circular floor- got done with 10 laps today, up from 4 yesterday.
Talk to my surgeon, oncologist, nurses, and physical therapist.
Practice inhaling and meditating.
Start feeling the stitches in my side beyond just the annoying drain.
Learn that the surgeon cut off pain medication without warning this evening... and discover that I really need that pain medication. (It is honestly simply extra strength tylenol. It kept the pain at bay pretty well though.) *And speak up for myself after getting a little upset that the pain was increasing-- not my fault that I hurt from stitches, a tube sticking into my side, and surgery affects and need medication- I know this. Received lighter prescription that helped. Will chat with surgeon in the morning about this lack of communication.
Become a little anxious about what is leaking out of me.
Monitor and breathe easier by the end of the night because there is much less than there was before.... which gives me hope that the drain will be removed soon.
Watch many many shows and a movie.
Then distract myself with many online articles, blogs, and posts about cancer.
Oh yeah, and sleep here and there. 5:30 am check on vitals every morning feels like a normal routine now, hah.

Appreciated this video. Helped visually explain about cancer cells, treatment, and more in quite simple terms.

Still need to return to reading Radical Remission, it is inspiring and hopeful and has some practical ideas that I've already been able to start putting into practice.
So... trying to distract myself, stay positive, and get thru the day one little step at a time. Haven't been completely feeling happy or terrific all day but overall, I'm surviving and thriving, grateful for all family and friend support, it is keeping me going.