Graceful... Grateful...

*I had a good weekend, appreciated the energy I had and actually went to a special event and enjoyed the dressing up/dancing/socializing time. Was grateful for a different venue. I also am enjoying every minute I spend with Lenore while she's visiting Hong Kong. Little gifts of time.

I just finished my last official Skype session with my life coach. We were supposed to meet every other week for 6 months but she adjusted our schedule to accommodate treatments and travel needs so we were able to meet over the course of all my chemotherapy and radiation and a little recovery as well. What a blessing to have a professional to meet with and provide inspiration and guidance over this journey. She's a gem. Highly recommended too- even with Skype and online connections, it was worth every minute chatting with her.  If you want to know who I met with visit Lisa's site: http://www.catchwellnesshealthcoaching.com/  Best recommendation my brother-in-law ever gave me (and he's shared many insightful thoughts over the years.) He knew Lisa because of their Iron Man team and how lucky I was to connect with her before my third diagnosis...
So, Lisa wrote up a recap of our sessions and time together and her view on my journey. Thought it was so beautifully written that I wanted to share on my journal here... Thank you Lisa, I'm so grateful for our time together. I really appreciate everything that I've learned and everything I've been able to add to my thriving toolbox!

From Lisa -

Catch Wellness Program Summary

Name:  Debbie Alvarez

Date:  3-9-15

You started this journey back on August 11, 2014 in hopes of rebuilding your strength after recovering from 2 rounds of cancer diagnosis, surgeries,  chemo and radiation treatment.  You were losing weight and wanting to re-evaluate your food and nourishment.  Sleep was a big issue and you were getting an average of 6-7 hours of sleep. You claimed you have a lot of worry.   You wanted to revisit yoga, dancing, and strength exercises.

Goals for 1 month, 3 months and 6 months:

We did not set goals since after one health coaching session you were diagnosed with lung cancer and were faced with chemotherapy and radiation.  This was a harsh reality.  You faced one month, one week, one day and one hour at a time.   

ACCOMPLISHMENTS

Food and Eating Habits:  You tried all my recipes and provided honest feedback on how they made you feel.  You added in noodles, savory foods, such as miso, green smoothies and juicing, variety of veggies, tofu, chia seed pudding, small amounts of chicken, more fruits, lentils, bone broth, kombucha, and soups.  Your helper made you meals around your nausea and low energy days.  The only cravings you had were noodles.  You stayed on track with 3 solid meals a day and were able to maintain and even gain a few pounds through the chemo and radiation!  This is incredible!  By November 2nd you gained 3 lbs.  Diarrhea became an issue during chemotherapy so you added in rice milk, which helped some.   You were very consistent with your healthy diet and maintained 3 solid meals a day with a lot of hydration.  I am super proud of you since this can be extremely challenging going through chemotherapy and radiation.  You never got sick and your counts remained stable overall!  This is a testament to your healthy nutrition and primary food focus!  

Overall Feeling of Improved Well-being: You amaze me Debbie.  You started out with so much worry and some anger around your diagnosis.  You expressed it being difficult to ask for help from others.   You have accomplished so much the past 6 months!  From the beginning you added in so many positive things that were tools for your toolbox.  To name a few:  Gratitude journal, Life Interrupted Blog, Audiobooks, Book reading,  Qigong, Acupuncture and Chinese herbs, Mindfulness Apps, Art, Inktober, Mindfulness exercises and breathing exercises, Yoga Nidra, Chanting, Massage, Legs up the wall, Cancer support group, Essential oils, and Visualization exercises.  You learned to say YES to people when they wanted to help you.  You asked for assistance during chemo and radiation treatments!  You really made strides and kept such a grateful and positive attitude despite all the harsh realities and challenges!  You went back to work in late December/January and have managed your career with grace even during the most energy depleting days.  

Family Eating and Other Improvements:  Your family has been a wonderful support.  Your husband, son, sister, and your parents have given you strength.  You have an amazing circle of friends, again, a true testimony of your character and grace throughout this challenging journey.  You even managed a vacation over the holiday.  You worked on meditation practice and visualization that got you to the chair and table!  Mindfulness became one of your biggest strengths, and worry lessened with practice.  You never gave up and never gave in.  You have reached a new chapter of your book.  What will it be titled?  What is the next step?  

You stated, “I still have control”  "I plan to keep it on a positive incline”  

Debbie, I really can’t express how grateful I am to have met you and worked with you on such a personal level.  You have taught me so much and I truly believe I gained a new perspective in life because of you.   You were dealt a mean deal of cards, but have managed this journey with grace, gratitude, strength and endurance.  I am so very proud of you.  Thank you for this amazing opportunity!  Please never hesitate to reach out.  

---

So touched to see Lisa's perspective on this journey. What an experience.

Thanks as always for journeying with me.

Fainting ie increasing stress

Just love orchids... nature's beautiful art.

Hmm.
So I was taking it easy the three days after treatment as usual... been warned to pace myself and that things were cumulative. Well, learned about that today. Fourth day after treatment... Thought I was doing well and for a normal person I guess what my friend Sheli and I did for the day was tiring and I didn't read my signs...

I hit that exhaustion level after 4.5 hours of wonderful adventuring around Hong Kong's Peak, the Gardens (Zoo/Plants) in Mid-Levels and then walking down... We were waiting at the bank and I was happy to finally bring Sheli there after days of missing the bank's open hours... standing in line did me in.
Sheli's gone over my triggers and we've talked about how I need to trust her and her intuition since I'm not reading myself well... she could tell it was time to go home but I was being stubborn after standing in the line at the bank, when I admitted that I was fading we were only three people before it was our turn to be taken care of... by the time I was in front of the teller I was asking for a chair, putting my head down on the counter and then Sheli and a nice guy next to me were catching me as I fell. Ech. Can't believe it happened again. Fainting... Just pushed too long and didn't read the signs. I honestly do black out. Lose a few moments of time. And then when I revive I'm normal, wanting to finish what I was doing and get on with the day. Can't explain better... I certainly needed to go home and take a nap (which we did) and taking a taxi was the order, not choice, which was good since by the time we were going up the elevator to the apartment, I was rapidly fading again.

But besides that, it was wonderful to watch how Sheli experienced riding a double decker bus up to the Peak, tried out a new restaurant, enjoyed beautiful views, rode the Peak Tram down to Central, explored and looked at gorgeous flowers at the gardens, and then walked down for a while... really great company and walking time. Just need to watch and pace things much better. Draining myself and overtaxing the body is not the way to heal. Trust me, I know this. And if I forget, I have many that are reminding me.

Enjoyed Qigong class tonight and chatting with my life coach as well. My life coach pointed out that the antibiotic I'm on for my scalp may also make me susceptable to becoming dizzy... so to be extra careful since that had to be added in this week. On top of getting three drugs this week, earlier treatment, etc...
Still appreciating the videos shared at http://thetruthaboutcancer.com/ -tonight I learned more about natural practices for cancer treatment... some really curious/interesting practices going on around the world...

One glimpse of Hong Kong up at the Peak...

Patient friend Sheli, we were almost at the bank...

Another glimpse of Hong Kong on the Peak.... love the green...

Thanks for journeying with me... still appreciating life's journey, taking it day by day...

Hope, Future thinking, and contemplation

So, I'm grateful for life... every day. I don't struggle when I write in my gratitude journal... I can even dig deeper than the grateful for family, happy healthy child, good marriage, etc. most days...
I don't quite get what completely picks me up some days and then brings me down other days... seriously, it shouldn't be hard to distinguish but suddenly I'm feeling positive after a slump. Or suddenly I'm feeling like slime for a while. I try not to fixate on things... just sorting thru emotions. Moving on.
Came across this article that made me appreciate having the chance to speak up and communicate how you're feeling, good reflection.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/22/im-a-mom-with-cancer-now-what/
Then I read an article on how scientists discovered that cancer grows faster when you sleep... sweet googly moogly... not pleased with that but they look at it as an opportunity to think about when chemotherapy drugs are administrated, etc. Hmm. Anything to help future patients:
http://www.forbes.com/sites/jonfortenbury/2014/10/06/tumors-may-grow-faster-while-we-sleep/

I think some days I deal with a little jealousy. For example, chatting with friends about the future... that is hard sometimes. Simple future plans like travel is mostly fun to chat and think about and living here in Hong Kong there are so many incredible opportunities for people to enjoy exploring. My husband is quite the planner. I'm a little sad to miss our well planned trip to China to visit the Great Wall, Xi'an, Shanghai, and more... I read aloud a few novels to my son that introduced him to things I wanted him to anticipate. He's really excited. So the boys are going without me. That's ok. My best friend is coming to spend time together while they're gone. I'm thrilled to anticipate her visit and it will certainly lessen the 'blow' of missing family vacation time since she and I will adventure depending on my energy levels. We also have two other family trips preplanned and paid for. Hope I don't miss them. My oncologist won't give us a definitive answer about the December trip but flat out said 'everyone needs a holiday'... so shall see. We also have tickets to visit home over spring break. I am having a hard time thinking further into the future. Summer plans? Let's see how this chemotherapy treatment goes. I have hope and I'll cling to it, but reality also looms.

Chatted about retirement with a friend the other day. Where do you want to end up, etc. I certainly had imagined retirement in the past. But now, not to be morbid or anything, I'm just unsure about the future and am focused on survival, day by day.

Heading out for the day yesterday...

Had a great time visiting with lovely coworkers yesterday, had a late birthday tea and loved chatting with them all. Also tried out my new wig in a social setting- they were all extremely supportive. I'm still a little unsure about wearing it and honestly enjoy being bald at the moment with the scalp annoyances I'm having (using tea tree oil, seems to be helping)... I think I prefer wearing a scarf and honestly don't give a hoot at the looks people give me. As an expat, I'm quite used to being looked over anyways or simply ignored most of the time. So walking around with a scarf and a face mask isn't that odd. I can appreciate not standing out.

Enjoyed using one of my prepaid massages yesterday. You buy discounted packages at some places, works for me... It was the first time I'd seen my massage therapist since before I had the operation. So, she was a little shocked and asked a few questions but also was gentle and firm as needed. So grateful.

Last night I was surprised to have energy but took advantage of it and headed to a CancerLink workshop on stretching exercises, appreciated it overall, nice to be around people who know what I'm dealing with (mostly) and are so kind. I've committed to a few other workshops, too bad they're always way far out in Kowloon- energy plays a factor in whether I show up then. As it was I was late last night but enjoyed. I came across a good healthy recovery video for breast cancer patients recovering from surgery. http://breastcancerrehabilitation.com/watchthevideo.html Think I'll try to watch/look into it later more... will try exercises from the instructor yesterday a little bit in the next week.
Went to my acupunturist today and told him flat out that I couldn't drink that Chinese herbal medicine more than twice a day (I consider it a feat to get thru two of them) and he was mellow, gave me more, and told me he was happy I gained weight. He also lectured me about eating eggs, adding them into my food plan. Explained about how in Chinese practice eggs represent life and they should be eaten twice a day. Shall see. I had a salmon quiche yesterday at the tea and it was delicious that was one of my first egg-back-in-diet additions. I'll try to get at least one egg in me each day. Still a little freaked out about the estrogen factor of it though. I'm also still eating chicken and added in oatmeal. Shall see about that rice water... Stomach has lessened its issues at the moment. Sleeping isn't perfect but is a heck of a lot better than past weeks.
Finding that I'm avoiding some projects/responsibilities for a while and then when I finally address them it feels like such a successful thing... I miss being the one to tackle and instantly take care of stuff left and right but am realizing that this approach to life can be acceptable as well.
Thank you to all who donated to the fundraising campaign, so grateful, overwhelmed, appreciative. It was perfect timing as I just received the first of many "shortfall" bills yesterday from my insurance. No fun but approachable.
Enjoying art, excited about my friend (and sister soon after) visits, and appreciating little things...
Thank you so much for keeping up with me... grateful...

Blood blood blood

Blood thoughts:
Ages ago, I decided my oncologist was a vampire.
He always wanted my blood, right from the get-go.
He had his own blood testing lab right there in his office.
The cost of blood tests added up and up and up...

Now, with chemotherapy, one of the drugs I'll be on makes you deficient with red blood cells. Oh boy. More blood blood blood tests plus the focus on food, thank goodness I'm used to both.

A good friend reminded me about this and mentioned how she had a hard time continuing chemo because she was low on her red blood cells... so she tried to eat foods that would build them up.

So, what is good for building red blood cells?
Hmm.
I'm not eating meat but that's not necessary. (I really hope.)

On: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000584.htm

They tell me to eat these:
Iron-rich foods include:
Chicken and turkey
Dried lentils, peas, and beans
Fish
Meats (liver is the highest source)
Peanut butter
Soybeans
Whole-grain bread

Other sources include:
Oatmeal
Raisins, prunes, and apricots
Spinach, kale, and other greens

Hmm.
I do eat beans and lentils a LOT. Salmon is part of my meals. Plus I'm allowed to eat Ezekial bread- whole grains! Woot. Raisins and apricots, can do. Spinach, kale and other greens? Absolutely yes.
Meats? No no no. Peanut butter? No. Soybeans? Well... I've been trying to avoid soy because of the estrogen factor but recently added back in edamame and miso soup, so I guess that'll do...

Next site: http://www.livestrong.com/article/349946-foods-to-eat-to-increase-red-blood-cells/Sources of iron include red meat, organ meat such as kidney and livers, beans, lentils, dark green leafy vegetables, such as spinach and kale, dried prunes, dried raisins and egg yolks, according to MedlinePlus.
Sounding similar, phew. BUT NO EGGS. (I miss eggs, just avoiding as well because of the estrogen factor.)

Next site: http://www.md-health.com/How-To-Increase-Red-Blood-Cells.html
Ok, this one has an interesting list:
Eating the right foods can help increase the number of red blood cells in your body. Here are a few of the ways you can eat your way to better blood cell health:
Iron. Food rich in iron can help your body rebuild what it has lost. Lentils and legumes are a great way to get the iron you need and they are healthy for you in many other ways, too.
Copper. This vital mineral can be found in many foods, including shellfish, poultry, liver, whole grains, beans, cherries, chocolate and nuts.
Folic Acid. Long known as a great help for pregnant and nursing mothers, foods that contain folic acid include lentils, dark green leafy vegetables, blackeyed peas and cereals fortified with folic acid.
Vitamin A. This very important vitamin can be found in a multitude of fruits, including grapefruit, mango, watermelon, plums, cantaloupe and apricots.
Vitamin B12. Meat, eggs and fortified cereals are a great way to get plenty of B12 in your diet. Since those on a western diet get plenty of this, a lack of B12 is rare.
Vitamin B6. This vitamin is found in a wide variety of foods, including meats, whole grains and bran, nuts and seeds, fish, vegetables and legumes.

Plus I find their supplement suggestions interesting, don't want to take things that conflict with chemo but...

Sometimes diet isn’t enough to increase red blood cells. In that case, turning to supplements can help your body produce the red blood cells it needs. Here are a few options:
Iron. This is a vital nutrient that your blood cells need to function properly. Women need 18 mg and men need 8 mg of iron per day.
Vitamin B12. Derived from mostly animal foods, B12 can be lacking in vegetarians. Everyone needs 2.4 mcg per day, and a supplement can provide most of that.
Vitamin B6. Women need 1.5 mg of this vitamin each day, while men need a bit more at 1.7 mg. A supplement can provide this, and you can boost the intake with baked potatoes, bananas and fish.
Vitamin E. This vitamin is excellent for good health, including red blood cells. Everyone needs about 15 mg of this per day. However, supplements might provide much more than that, so speak with your doctor about whether that is okay for you.

Similar things though to be honest... looks like I can still survive without meat... besides salmon that is... I refused to take iron supplements in the past though as I noticed it activated my arthritis. Hmm.

Other websites I read from repeated the same things... Hmm.

Other thoughts beyond blood...

One friend and I were talking about how Vitamin D deficiencies could also lead to cancer and how I should have my Vitamin D levels checked before I begin chemo. Hmm. I've requested to have this done on my chemo day- when they take blood from me before...

Another friend told me that she was able to avoid Neuropothy - where you get numb fingers, toes, feet that tingle painfully - side effect of chemo- (yuck) by taking these supplements: Alpha lipoic Acid and L-Glutamine and walking a good amount every day... good to know, right?
Information about that:
http://www.dana-farber.org/Health-Library/Alleviating-Peripheral-Neuropathy-Symptoms.aspx

Interesting video about exercise practice for those going thru chemo/recovering from cancer treatments:
http://www.dana-farber.org/Health-Library/Exercise-linked-to-breast-cancer-survivorship.aspx

Think this website is worth spending time at for a while. Good interviews with survivors, etc!
My wonderful sister-in-law suggested I visit a few websites that were inspiring, one written by a friend of hers. Appreciated obsessively reading thru all the posts here: http://sothenthishappened.blogspot.hk/2013_03_01_archive.html and here: http://abumpandalump.blogspot.hk/

Appreciating advice.
Appreciating online research.
Appreciating experts.
Hoping I'm not going overboard with all of this.
Just want to survive, thrive and feel like I'm dealing with things with information backing me up....
Short hair is coming tomorrow afternoon... glad to have friends around for it.
Starting Qigong on Tuesday night, hoping friends show up and it is worth the energy. (All about energy, so should be a win!)
Looking like a full week coming up... but full of action taking moments, which is good. Very good.

Inspiring me

So, I love when my husband asks me what I've done during the day. When life was normal, I'd fill him in on work inspiration stories... now that I'm recovering from surgery....
Some days, I'm a little productive. Take today... I finally made three phone calls and followed through on some paperwork all of which I've avoided for a while. I also had a wonderful visit from a sweet friend.
Other days, I'm just surviving. Reading. Browsing online. Not productive.
I allow the day to shape itself.
So far.

I've made sure to get myself out walking every day. I've been contemplating what I want to do when I'm dealing with chemo treatment. An inspiring friend walked 2-3 miles every day during her treatment. I would like to increase my stamina and recover from this recent surgery so that I could do something healthy every day during chemotherapy and radiation treatments as well. So, do I want to go for a weekly hike? shopping adventures around random areas in Hong Kong? visit all the libraries in Hong Kong that I can? explore new areas of Hong Kong by hopping on random ferries and wandering around a little island for the day? visit all the beautiful beaches? work on my manuscripts? go work out at the gym that my husband and I joined right after my breast cancer surgeries? Hmm. Options are bountiful, which is lovely. But will be careful to pace myself, read how much I can honestly handle...

I've had chats with friends about life.
That's valued time for me.
I've done so in person and also online.
I've organized playdates and hung out with my son and husband. That's treasured time.

I'll go to my first cancer support group activity next Wednesday. Can't believe I was diagnosed a year ago and I'm only just looking into this... but I did have a close friend who dealt with similar treatments who gave eloquent advice in my first round with cervical cancer and another good friend who helped me learn about new diets and healthy choices during my second round with breast cancer... CancerLink has some healthy activities starting up in October, I wrote down 7 classes like meditation, yogaa, chanting, and more that looked promising and will narrow down within a week.
Each round has been different. Enlightening in different ways. Grateful for the experience although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, ever. I know I'm growing as a person but honestly, could've grown without this type of experience.

Thought I'd share a smattering of what's inspired me in the world of fighting, living, and dealing with cancer... I've browsed, watched, and learned more through other's experiences. Really appreciate others sharing what they've dealt with.
So inspiring me recently were these- two videos and two articles. I mostly find these through Facebook groups I joined thanks to another friend's recommendation recently.
First, a brave man who shares what it is like with chemo, loved this video, love how connected he is with people at the hospital but can just imagine how many days he's dealt with life there... impressing singing!

Second, an interview - really appreciated the perspectives shared: (I appreciate following The Silver Lining and reading recipes and posts too.)

An article on how it is helpful to write your way through cancer? Why yes, thank you I agree:

http://copingmag.com/cwc/index.php/feature_article/write_your_way_through_cancer

Fighting cancer perspective: Does cancer ever win? Appreciated this powerful reflection:

http://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/09-04-2014/Does-Cancer-Ever-Win

What else inspires me (to fight, stay positive, go one day at a time)?
Little special messages from my sister and happy thoughts from her.
Loving messages from my mom every day staying stronger than I am, ready to listen anytime.
Close friends booking time to Skype with me.
Wonderful friends writing and sending me messages about how they're thinking of me, praying for me, and more.
A friend who shared my name in her prayer circle at a retreat the day of my big surgery.
A friend who stuck in her yoga tree pose and sent energy and positive thoughts my way, then also shared my story with her classmates so they also sent positive thoughts my way. Across the ocean, received.
My son's consistent love, even when it is all about him (which is just wonderful for an 8 year old) he's such a sweet, caring soul...
My husband's persistence in providing me with happiness, love, and humor. I love making him laugh and it is reciprocated through conversations, tv shows shared, and more. So grateful.
My dad and other loving family members sending special messages.
Positive messages from my colleagues and friends from work reaching out and ready to help with anything needed.

I also appreciated these 100 Wise Words from an Econ Professor...

Random thoughts about activity in recovery

So Debbie, what do you do after part of your lung has been cut out, your cancerous lymph nodes were mostly removed, and you're stuck in recovery at the hospital?
Well.
Honestly?
Visit with friends.
In person.
Online.
Through Skype.
Visit with family online and thru Skype.
Call people randomly and surprise them, take advantage of my time.
Read books.
Glance thru magazines.
Walk many many laps around this mini-circular floor- got done with 10 laps today, up from 4 yesterday.
Talk to my surgeon, oncologist, nurses, and physical therapist.
Practice inhaling and meditating.
Start feeling the stitches in my side beyond just the annoying drain.
Learn that the surgeon cut off pain medication without warning this evening... and discover that I really need that pain medication. (It is honestly simply extra strength tylenol. It kept the pain at bay pretty well though.) *And speak up for myself after getting a little upset that the pain was increasing-- not my fault that I hurt from stitches, a tube sticking into my side, and surgery affects and need medication- I know this. Received lighter prescription that helped. Will chat with surgeon in the morning about this lack of communication.
Become a little anxious about what is leaking out of me.
Monitor and breathe easier by the end of the night because there is much less than there was before.... which gives me hope that the drain will be removed soon.
Watch many many shows and a movie.
Then distract myself with many online articles, blogs, and posts about cancer.
Oh yeah, and sleep here and there. 5:30 am check on vitals every morning feels like a normal routine now, hah.

Appreciated this video. Helped visually explain about cancer cells, treatment, and more in quite simple terms.

Still need to return to reading Radical Remission, it is inspiring and hopeful and has some practical ideas that I've already been able to start putting into practice.
So... trying to distract myself, stay positive, and get thru the day one little step at a time. Haven't been completely feeling happy or terrific all day but overall, I'm surviving and thriving, grateful for all family and friend support, it is keeping me going.

Post Surgery The Good, The Not Great and the Breathing...

Well.
It happened.
My surgeon came to my husband and I post surgery to talk about the results.
There's good. There's not great. There's hope.
He showed me a picture of my lower right lobe lung and pointed out the cancer. Also the lymph node that he took out. Both were sitting on a sterile tray. The lung looked happy/red/pink and the cancer area looked like a bright blob of yellow. Disconcerting that my body does this to itself.

So.
Surgery.
What a waiting game!
We headed up to the surgery but when we got set up, the anesthesiologist wasn't there, he was stuck in traffic. Now, I get really sensitive on the ride up to surgery. I get stressed. Tears threaten to spill. I try to joke and refocus. So when the lovely nurse came to tell me about the delay she patted my arm. I flatly told her that she was going to make me cry if she continued to be kind and that I'd be better if we simply talked. So we did. For 20 minutes while the anesthesiologist showed up and set up the iv and more. It was the best thing to simply have a distracting conversation. Thank goodness she listened. And talked. Quite grateful.
She was shocked that it was the third time for me to be in that operating room in less than a year's time. I'm a little shocked still as well.

I was surprised at the pain when I woke up. It wasn't where it belonged. It was sharp pain in my neck and shoulder. It hasn't completely gone away yet. It was something where a past shoulder problem happened again when my arm was above my head for 2.5 hours during surgery.

They gave me ice and a physiotherapist came today and iced again and gave me a soft massage. She also gave me a new breathing toy that I'm not so fond of yet. Maybe later I'll successfully inhale air strong enough to make my surgeon happy. Shall see. For now, it is slightly painful to breathe deeply. I have a drain in my side going to a rectangular box. That drain hurts when I sneeze, cough, or do anything else extreme... Keeping me a little quiet.

The surgeon had good news. and not so good news. Here it goes:
He completely removed the main tumor site in my lung. He also removed a lot of my lymph nodes near my esophagus but many were stuck on the esophagus and he was careful to not cut there too much since it could create many other problems. So there are probably some cancer cells in me still. But I'm not done fighting.

I talked with my oncologist today and he explained to my husband and I that this type of cancer is rare (yeah, thanks body) and at my age it is rare to get as well (again, thanks body for going above and beyond) :) but the cells are extremely sensitive to radiation and that he is certain they will be killed during radiation treatment which will be combined with chemotherapy... when? Undetermined. He hopes to get more biopsy results on Saturday and then by next week start sorting things out.

Me? I'm simply focused on getting stronger after that surgery. Breathing in and making balls move.
Appreciating all the support and love from family and friends.

Came across a Facebook post I wrote a year ago- found it quite ironic considering that weeks later my first diagnosis occurred:
(Seriously, listen to your body when it is screaming at you!)

Preparation: Mental and Physical

Getting approved for surgery was the first step.
Mentally getting ready is a whole other ballgame.
I'm really am appreciating a meditation app presently- Headspace - https://www.headspace.com/
It is helping me refocus a little. I know I did my own form of meditation every time I was in the tunnel for radiation treatment... but this is purposeful. Different.
So, what's on my list in preparation for the surgery? (Surgery is this coming week on Wednesday, I check in at the hospital Tuesday.)

Work stuff: found out that I will have a substitute this time. This leads to many preparations- lesson plans, calendar planning, contact lists, author visit organization, and book fair planning... Feel like I'm only scratching the surface of the things I will address in the next week... but it can be done and worries will pass and I'll be able to refocus on myself soon.

Personal stuff: make sure my other blog is ship shape- I already prewrote 28 posts a while ago. Didn't know I was preparing for a break with a surgery, just had prewritten book reviews, life updates and such since I had a holiday and wanted to focus on work instead of being distracted on the computer.

Audiobooks: I might have enough energy and concentration after a day's recovery to listen to audiobooks... so I have focused on getting a few from the public library in addition to snagging a few from Audible. For months now I've been enjoying other audiobooks from free sources such as http://www.audiobooksync.com/ and other resources... but having a few adult audiobooks will be lovely to be distracted by... Downloaded a few. Plus have some great eBooks waiting to read...

Regular books: I don't plan to bring more than two physical books since I'll be home (hopefully) after 5 days... I have a load of books that I've committed to reviewing from Netgalley, so will enjoy reading them if I have concentration power.

Holds: I placed holds on various books - eBook and audiobooks - at the public library. I like doing this so I know some book treat is coming sooner or later.

Writing letters: I have some letters to write up... not to be morbid or anything, just want to write them now while I have the energy and reflection.

Paperwork: Dealing with random paperwork...

I know, I'm not going to camp. Just dealing with life and trying to keep positive.

I'm also researching and calming myself as questions come up. (Always the researcher, librarian in me comes out...)

I appreciated this Q/A website about lung cancer:
http://www.lungcancer.org/find_information/publications/163-lung_cancer_101/299-faqs

And this information on Chemotherapy for Lung Cancer:
http://lungcancer.about.com/od/treatmentoflungcancer/a/chemolungrx.htm

And I plan to watch some of these videos about people's experiences with lung cancer soon enough:
http://healthtalkonline.org/peoples-experiences/cancer/lung-cancer/topics

And then also helpful to read more on non-small cell lung cancer's treatment advances:
http://www.webmd.com/lung-cancer/features/non-small-cell-lung-cancer-advances-in-chemotherapy?page=2

I have random things flitting thru my mind. For example: the need to pack my breakfast for the hospital since I can eat until 7:30am and I know the hospital is slow at getting me food in the AM. I want to make sure I can eat before going into surgery later in the day... I also want to take my vitamins/medicine in the AM!

Call me Lucky, well, not so much

In some ways I'd classify myself as quite lucky. I am in an incredibly happy marriage with a wonderful, kind, patient husband... I have a son who is hilarious, kind, sensitive, and sweet. I have a loving family who I'm in close touch with. I have fantastic friends. I have a job I love. I'm passionate about so many different subjects and love learning...
I unfortunately have a flaw. My body apparently invites cancer to nestle in. Seriously.
I am a two time cancer survivor. I battled cervical cancer in November '13 and breast cancer in March '14. Yes, within less than a year's time my incredible doctor on a followup appointment found a tiny lump. Both cancers were stage 1. Both cancer treatments included operations and radiation. So yes, a survivor. I wrote other posts about some of my experiences with the operations and radiation...
But then my doctor and I wanted confirmation that treatment was successful. So in August '14, I went for a PET scan, that's where they inject you with glucose mixed with radiation and it goes thru your body and lights up areas that might have cancer. So, I waited a week. Results came back in a bound notebook packed with colorful pictures and even an accompanying disc.
And I heard what I didn't want to hear. I was waiting for, you strong person, you beat the odds, you're clear. Instead I heard, "Oh no, something is going on with your lymph nodes. And look here, your lung is lit up here and here."
I put my head down on my doctor's desk, heart plummeting. I'd tried to be so positive...
The next day I went in for a lung biopsy. That is one stinking scary test. Scarier than CT, MRI, PET scan, radiation treatment, and a needle biopsy for my breast cancer, which I also had...
For a lung biopsy, you're laid down on a CT machine and told to hold still, for 45 minutes. Not only that, you're in and out of the CT machine with someone sticking a long needle into your side and then scanning to make sure the needle was in the right place, then another really long needle is inserted into the other needle and punched into your lung for little miniscule pieces to pull out. Of course you need to hold your breath, breathe carefully, and more as this happens. After that occurs you have to stay still for four hours in case your lung collapses or you bleed too much. I was a very good patient with no complications... Doctors usually do like me...
Two days later, today, my wonderful husband and I went to the appointment that revealed biopsy results. Upsetting results. Somehow, for the third time, I have another type of cancer. Lung cancer. It hasn't spread from one place to another, it is just another cancer. This time, unfortunately, it isn't Stage 1, it is Stage 3 because there is a growth not only on my lung but also on my lymph nodes near my heart...
Tonight we had the conversation I never wanted to have with my son. In the past we were able to talk with our son about how I had bad stuff in me that needed to be cut out. This time I blatently had to tell him about the cancer. What happened in the past, what was successful... and what we have to do in the future with the new lung cancer treatments (possible operation, chemotherapy, and radiation). My son's reactions were: "Mommy, I like your hair, I don't want you to lose it." "What do I tell people at school?" "What if I'm put on the spot with questions about you?" ""Am I allowed to use the word cancer?" My response about the hair was, "I love my hair too but I love you more and I want to try to be around living with you for a long time." Our response about what to tell others was "Adults might know but if people ask, you can just say that your mom had to have an operation and she's going to take a while to get better." He seems ok but we left the door open for any further questions. His next question was, "Ok mommy, so I heard about that part of the day, tell me about other parts of your day now..." Not just a cancer victim, but a mommy, I love that.
So, on to fight the perilous, exhausting fight again... not fun, not thrilled but don't want to leave this earth anytime soon. Love life too much...

Positives about Radiation List

My Positives about Radiation list- round 2 of radiation, breast cancer treatment this round.
(Ok, they aren't all positive...)
I posted about how I had to have radiation after fighting cervical cancer, 8 months later, I was back in for radiation treatment again/Tomotherapy after having a breast cancer diagnosis, lumpectomy, and lymph node surgery...
Here's what I listed for this round of radiation treatment:

1. I now have 3 tattoos, quite tiny (as a pinhead) but they're tattoos.
2. It isn't chemo.
3. If you want 1:1 attention, fabulous, you sometimes receive 4:1 attention.
4. It isn't chemo.
5. You see a doctor weekly, well, that isn't fun.
6. You're provided with meditation time.
7. You receive special messages about staying still.
8. You're exposed to new clothes when the doctor says "no bra, built in support shirts"
9. You get to see what people do when radiation is on- run quick.
10. You can feel like the bionic woman.
11. You wear a lovely uniform each day.
12. It is short.
13. 16 days can feel like 4 months.
14. You are very aware of your skin.
15. You have a daily appointment each day that has a good strong excuse for leaving work.
16. It isn't chemo.
17. You can focus on keeping positive.
18. You can make new jokes and have a medical audience (in my case Chinese though...)
19. You know there is an end in sight.
20. It is only one way to help yourself.
21. Since v-necks suck with burns, you experience a change in wardrobe, again.
22. Many people pay attention to you, are concerned.
23. Excuse to buy new shirts.
24. Twinges make me more aware of my body as the radiation treatments progress...
25. Food changes = certainly in the right mind set.
26. Discover new restaurants.
27. Discover new grocery stores.
28. Watching healing process- nerves working better, skin not freaking out as much.

Tunnel Time: Tomotherapy

Tunnel Vision:
So, after recovering for almost four weeks from the radical hysterectomy, the doctors referred me to a specialist who said I need to have six weeks of Tomotherapy (radiology).
I'm around 9 days into Tomotherapy now and can't stand the experience but appreciate that I'm fighting off any other evil cancer cells that might be hiding out...
One of the nurses said to me "looks like you're used to the routine now" and I quickly said to her "it will be a habit I'll be happy to quickly break when the time comes.
They actually chuckled. It is a relief when people "get" my humor. I had a conversation recently with my mom about this. She is dealing with a medical professional who is someone who never gets her jokes... somewhat makes her uncomfortable.

So. In the tunnel. What is Tomotherapy and what happens to me while I'm in treatment?
I have to have Tomotherapy for 30 days. *Before I started treatment I had to have a CT scan, make a "cast" of my body so that I lay down precisely the same way for every treatment, and an MRI. I HATED the MRI, such loud noises, my ears were ringing afterwards!

I have to go all weekdays, mostly at the same time every day.
The time it takes to have a tomotherapy session is right around 20 minutes once I'm in the tube.
First I wait.
Then I change into a beautiful *not* set of pajamas and flip flops.
Then three to four people lead me into a room, get me to hop up onto the platform that holds my cast, and then begin by scooting out of the room.
They get the CT scan for around five minutes.
Then the bed/platform pulls slightly out when the computer calibrates.
I hear a click clack buzz from the top of the machine and then it clicks as the platform pulls back in.
I hear clicking and buzzing and know that the machine is in action for the next fifteen minutes.
After the treatment completes, then many people, once even eight people, come into the room and quickly scoot me off so that they can get ready for the next patient.
I change and try to catch a little green bus back to my area, catch the MTR and get home just in time for dinner...

What scared me? The side effects. I'm only at the beginning stages. Unknowns are no fun. Shall see.

Video examples of Tomotherapy:

The first video I watched about Tomotherapy:

Then I  watched this live video:

Talk show introduction: with a decent explanation:

Listen, seriously, listen to what your body is telling you

I'm grateful that I've had arthritis, juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, since I was thirteen. It has made me quite a neurotic person, tuned in to my body. I've been off medication for the arthritis since I was 18. That's when I almost had an ulcer from the NSAIDS that the dr. prescribed. I had orthoscopic knee surgery at 15 and found the recovery process quite frustrating and limiting.
So, neurotic. Yes.
This isn't a pretty sight following for gentlemen to read, sorry. Close and move on to a different blog.
Thanks. Now on to listening to your body.
I've been taking chances, risks and going on adventures for the past year and a half since my family decided we'd be risk takers and move to another country. This was due to a job opportunity that I had and a huge leap of faith that our family had moving overseas.
I've worked hard to enjoy and adapt to a new country and had a steep learning curve adapting to a new culture.
So. Listening to the body.
Here were my body's stages of saying, something is really wrong:
1. I was really fatigued, a lot in June. Couldn't figure out why.
2. I started spotting a little bit in June and worried.
3. I had an extra period at the end of June and was frustrated.
4. Went to the dr. after that and she said it might be fibroids. She did a pap smear- it was clear.
5. I went on a family week long adventure that included fun hiking, scootering and more... and continued spotting.
6. Quickly we turned around and went on another family adventure to learn kung fu. Part way through the week I started my period 2 weeks early.
7. I went back to my doctor and she sent me to get a transvaginal ultrasound that revealed that I did have fibroids. Discussed with doctor about options, she suggested an IUD which I considered.
8. I went back to work. Within a week, I started having the heaviest, scariest period I ever experienced. My body was screaming that something was wrong.
9. I went back to the doctor who put me on hormones to try to stop the bleeding..
10. The bleeding lessened quickly. Two days after taking the medicine a finger on my right hand started hurting terribly. The next day, the other hand had a finger that hurt. Then my wrists and shoulders started hurting. I decided it was the medicine. I went back to the doctor and scheduled the procedure to get the IUD put in. I also got permission to quit taking the main hormone medicine but continue the other so that the bleeding didn't pick back up. I was listening to my body, it was still trying to tell me something was terribly wrong. I went to three sessions of Chinese Traditional medicine treatment including acupuncture and mustard seed packs on my wrists and shoulders, no alleviation of pain until I got off the medicine.
11. I went to a specialist who quickly scheduled the IUD procedure for that Saturday. I went to the procedure a little nervous but hopeful that this would address the problem.
12. The procedure went fine until the doctor who was using a video scope noticed a large growth on my cervix. He took a biopsy and told me immediately following the procedure that he didn't put in the IUD because he needed to find out more about the growth.
13. I waited over a week to get results, that was terrible. I called, the doctor was out and then wanted to schedule an appointment to talk in person, emphasized that it wasn't a worry. We went to a family weekend fun trip which I'm still grateful we did... last time I had energy for excitement.
14. My doctor met with my husband and I to explain that I had cervical cancer, in what he suspected was early stage 1. He was concerned with how large the growth was and suggested I see a specialist. He explained that pap smears and a transvaginal ultrasound wouldn't reveal anything about cervical cancer and shared that this was a really lucky find.
15. After juggling doctors to sort out what would be covered by insurance, I went to a specialist... who sent me to another specialist within a days time. That specialist scheduled a radical hysterectomy with some lymph node removal as well.
16. The specialist warned me that I might need to get radiotherapy after the surgery since I had such a large growth.
17. The surgery went well. My employers were generous, kind, and supportive and I was approved for paid emergency leave.
18. I've been off work for four weeks, recovering from the surgery. Quickly after the procedure, my doctor came and confirmed that he wanted me to see a specialist and have radiotherapy...
19. I went to a cancer radiologist who decided to treat me with six weeks of Tomotherapy sending radiation to my entire pelvic region.
20. This radiologist gave my husband and I heart attacks when he pointed out that I have a rare form of cervical cancer with no known confirmed treatment but with a 40-50% survival rate without having radiotherapy. No choice in our opinion, getting radiation treatment. There was slight discussion of getting chemotherapy as well but my other doctor said "no" quickly since I had a biopsy of all my lymph nodes and had no signs of migration of cancer cells.

So now... still listening carefully to my body and dealing with Tomotherapy. (Radiation treatment, 30 days, Monday-Friday for 6 weeks.) Not fun but important.

Humor: the best things about getting a radical hysterectomy are...

So, I usually try to address stressful situations with a little humor. For example, I almost started crying when I was going into surgery. Everyone was so serious. Too many people were telling me to relax. It was upsetting. So when I was wheeled into the surgery area, I noticed the lighting looked like a dance hall. I told my surgeon, so I'm at a disco! He smiled and patted me on the shoulder. My anesthesiologist gave me the oddest look.

A day after surgery, a pastor came to check on me. She was quite concerned about how I was feeling. She was thrown when I explained how relieved and grateful I was. She didn't understand why I was happy. I explained about how my cancer was caught at an early stage, how I had a healthy child, how I had a healthy happy marriage and a good work environment to look forward to returning to... and she said to me "I could learn about happiness from you." I didn't see her again.

I've been trying to create lists in my head as I go through Tomotherapy, radiation, every day. As I mentioned, I try to distract myself a little in stressful situations. Tomotherapy is stressful to me. Go into a tube and get scanned and then have a bunch of rays shooting into me probably giving me many side effects and without knowledge of the success of the procedure, it is stressful. So, the other day, I started making lists for myself.

Here's one:

The best things about getting a radical hysterectomy are:

1. You appreciate the ability to pee. Brings you back to basics.

2. You're bedridden for weeks, reading is a beautiful distraction, so are tv shows!

3. No worries about getting pregnant.

4. No more pads to purchase.

5. No more birth control pills, saves money all the way around.

6. You get to meet new people and talk about your bowel movements and have your weight and blood pressure taken up to 5 times in a day.

7. You have a lovely bikini line scar.

8. You can be alone during recovery for long periods of time. How often are you alone with your thoughts?

9. You can let go a little and have experts tell you to eat well and check on you...

10. No exercise for quite a while. (Ok, this sucks, I miss yoga and Zumba and swing dancing and was really hoping to return to it this fall since my hip was feeling better...)

So... there's one way I deal with negative, turn to positive...