Hats are getting really challenging to wear... 90 degrees plus humidity is hard without the hat!
Well. It has been almost a week since that appointment. I've been more conscious of what I'm feeling inside but overall, I've felt pretty darn healthy.
Hair is growing back.
Energy is mediocre (mainly because I've had hideous sleep, hoping to resolve sooner than later).
Appetite is full force, happy to be gaining some weight.
Saying goodbye left and right to wonderful, beautiful friends and people who are almost more like family to us. It is ridiculously hard.
We've been getting rid of things and planning out packing for ages. Shipping back many boxes to save money on overweight bags, etc... Shall see how it goes tomorrow at checkin!
The boxes we shipped take TWO months to arrive in Oregon. I've decided to look on it as little happy surprises once each box arrives.
I have an appointment with my oncologist for next Tuesday. I have PET scans, a packet from my former oncologist, and x-rays all organized and ready to bring to the office before the appointment. I have a list of questions I've been accumulating in my journal book. Helps to write them down instead of festering on one thing after another.
For now, I cannot do anything about it, will just treat myself well.
Bringing our dog to the cargo shipping area...
Flying out tomorrow in the evening, so excited to head home. Our dog flew home almost a week ago and handled the transition incredibly well. So relieved. My wonderful parents are caring for her until our return to the US. It is a little sad to see my dog's aging through my parents eyes since her sight/hearing has changed so much, plus her gait has changed... but her loving nature and wonderful companionship is still beautiful.
After way too many interviews at 11:30pm and 5:30/6am I have a new work home to head to in mid-August. Really happy to be a library/tech specialist, my passion is that combination and I look forward to meeting new students, staff, and community members.
So, overall? Feeling fine with life. Poor hand presently health-wise but shall be maintaining complimentary practices to keep a healthy focus and exploring other options when I settle in Oregon.
Thanks as always for journeying with me... Getting along. Getting about. Appreciating life. Not festering on the negatives... refocusing the mind on positives.
Going around now with this hairstyle, very very short, but so much cooler, bearable in this heat... So happy to have hair! :)
YESTERDAY: I am impatient.
It has been days.
I've been distracting myself.
Getting rid of stuff. Packing. Sorting. Selling items.
But I just want the clear scan results now.
Sigh.
I told myself today, at this time tomorrow, you'll know.
Didn't help my mind wandering.
There's so many what if's that have to be redirected at this time to the positive mantras.
Deep breath.
Calm thoughts.
Doesn't help that my wonderful husband is gone in the Philippines this week. Miss him tremendously.
There were complications while he was there and I'll be glad to simply get him home in one piece...
Results are tomorrow.
Waiting.
Hair is still growing in.
Eyebrows and eyelashes as well.
Stamina ebbs and flows. Mostly I'm overwhelmed by heat and humidity... Exhausts me as it does any normal person.
TODAY:
Thank you for the prayers, good wishes, and hope.
Received good news about work for me... will share once more official.
Grateful my husband is home in mostly one piece.
He was able to be there during the results appointment.
Well. The radiation and chemo cleared up the two worrisome areas- lung clear, lymph node near heart clear. (Clean and clear is pleasant to hear...)
Unfortunately, I have two new tumor sites.
That means two new cancer tumor areas.
One in chest cavity behind my lung by my back- on another lymph node.
One in my right adrenal gland beneath my liver.
My oncologist said that in Oregon he wouldn't recommend standard chemo since I had such a hard time the last two treatments. He thinks I might qualify for new therapy trials and would highly recommend I look into immunotherapy.
We asked if we stayed in Hong Kong what my oncologist would plan, he said radiation to the two new tumor areas to control growth but not to cure it.
So. Next? Going to see my new oncologist in Oregon the week after we move home. Have records, transfer papers and more...
Presently? In shock. Disappointed. Not too surprised. Sucks though. Cancer sucks. Feeling strong, just a little pain in my back (found out that's pretty much where one of the new tumors is located.) Wish it were different results.
My husband says that stage 4 cancer is like playing whack-a-mole. I agree.
Thanks as always for journeying with me... have a feeling this journaling is going to be continuing for quite some time...
It is funny to stare into mirrors. Sometimes I feel like I'm a science experiment. I've watched my hair sprouting out of my head and appreciated how resilient my body is. It is sort of like watching a chia seed pet growing. Presently I see a shade of hair across my head more than the glaring baldness I saw before... But boy will it take a while to grow out. Decided to pop headbands on top of my head coverings lately, something different. Eyelashes are starting to grow back, slowly... eyebrows are starting to come back.
Was quite distracted this past week wrapping up work and making sure when I walked out of school on Friday I felt closure and success. Happy to be done. Hard to say good bye to everyone/everything. Kiddo had a hard time as well and began questioning why we were moving back and not staying for at least one more year. Sigh... Doing our best for him.
I've been dealing with a few too many distractions lately. Feeling ok overall but really working to focus on the positive and redirect negative thoughts and breathe, breathe, breathe.
Beach trip with kiddo to support husband's dragon boating endeavour.
In less than two weeks we move back to Oregon. Things are going quickly by... Had met up with some wonderful, special people to say goodbye... enjoying time with each one...
Pains have eased up. I quit the pain medication and am taking an anti-inflammatory that I don't plan to take for too long. We're dealing with many bits and pieces of leaving Hong Kong presently. Paperwork and such. Happy my husband has headed out for another trip to the Philippines, his last dash to get a little more scuba diving in... the kiddo and I are enjoying time together...
Close to the end of work...
Staying focused on the positive. Clear scan, visualizing the results... Tried out a different qigong instructor and it was ok... looking forward to trying out a different instructor in the US... Shall see. Will miss my qigong instructor so much, she's been such a supportive person. We talked about how when I go to do the PET scan this coming Monday I can do qigong exercises... plus I plan to listen to a session of yoga nidra....
Grateful some friends at home are helping my parents with the move/transition of furniture and storage to our home... Exciting that some things will be in our home when we get back. Some of our belongings aren't going to arrive in Oregon for two months... will be little treats coming home...
Thanks as always for journeying with me... appreciating being done with work and focusing on enjoying this huge transition.
Newest picture... such a hot day but got thru the day walking walking walking.
Enjoyed visiting a Cat Cafe with my friend... blogging on Styling Librarian about it in a few weeks.
I believe...
So.
I'm having a PET scan in a few weeks. Then I will have results a few days later. I believe the scan will be clear. No cancer. I need all my friends, family, loved ones to also have this thought for me. Let's take advantage of positive thoughts.
I'm feeling much better than a few weeks ago. Taking things day by day. I will be well. I am healing. It will take a while and I'll be a little different than I was before but I feel good about the future. There is so much to live for. So much to hope for.
I want to see my son have his Bar Mitzvah. Be there for family celebrations. Watch my son graduate from High School. Attend college. Celebrate anniversaries and life events with my husband. Have new adventures. Enjoy time with friends and family... Continue a career that I'm passionate about... I have too many good things in my life and know the future is bright.
So.
Clean scan. It will be clear, all these things I've done for almost a year have been successful.
If you talk with me about the scan, focus on the positive. Believe it will be a clean scan with me.
I feel lucky because...
I can fully breath even with part of my lung removed.
My gum has healed and I might not need surgery for the area I was concerned about.
My fingernails are growing out and looking a little bit healthier.
My hair will grow back soon enough.
My energy level fluxuates but I can enjoy work without feeling like I'm going to collapse.
My stomach is feeling a little better.
I have job prospects. Shall see.
Family are excited for us to return home.
Our friends are excited for us to return home.
I have an oncologist and other team members lined up to help me once I'm home.
Things are somewhat falling into place with paperwork and moving details here. I've got good support as needed as well...
So much to be grateful for...
So.
Clean scan.
Think it.
Believe it.
Have faith and hope for me.
Thank you as always for journeying with me... grateful, grateful, grateful...
Another week buzzing by. Enjoyed these days at work and home... Might be offline for a few weeks except a word here and there. Leaving my laptop at home while we travel this time. I'll have my iPad but am not as comfortable typing on that.
Grateful I booked an appointment with my acupuncturist on Tuesday. I was in a bit of pain in my back and chest. Plus my stomach wasn't treating me very kindly... the day after acupuncture treatment I felt incredibly better. Qigong that evening helped as well I'm sure... starting to make qigong part of my daily routine.
This afternoon I met the lymphedema specialist to see if there was anything I need to be concerned about or careful with and was quite reassured by the end of the appointment. I learned how to give myself a lymphatic massage and also he whipped out his sewing machine and created a compression garment that looks like half a corset made of stretchy fabric and foam cut to shape for my breast that has been painful since September. Just for sleeping though. Woo hoo to a solution that doesn't include something going over my shoulders. Thrilled. Presently I don't need to worry about my arm/legs but I need to be aware and careful of how they are feeling/doing.
If needed for friends in Hong Kong: Nathan Bridgeman was professional, thoughtful, helpful, and reasonably priced. http://www.cltvr.com.hk/mavista/cms/en/About_Our_Therapist
*I'm not quite over how quick he created the compression garment for me, this guy was a talented, experienced expert and I was thrilled to watch him make some of it on his sewing machine! Shall see how it helps me out. Doesn't feel like a torture device, just feels supportive. Plus, it was nice to work with an American who I didn't have to stumble with for communication...
There's nothing like having goals. Presently, there are many... but I'm not overwhelmed, yet.
First: trip to Bali. Grateful we were able to shift tickets and make this an affordable possibility. Especially happy that I have a break from treatment and can enjoy this with my family without being in a partial chemo stupor. (Fully admit, most of the first week of our trip to the Philippines I was knocked flat by chemo I'd received the day before our flight.)
Second: transition preparation. Getting thru paperwork. Getting thru purging. Going thru library projects so that things can be fantastic for the next teacher librarian and my lovely library assistant who has patiently dealt with project after project this term. I packed two boxes at school of personal items (bringing quite a bit less back to the US but that's ok). Going to begin using the postal system and mailing boxes home on a weekly basis.
Third: Chemo. Get thru the last to rounds. Meh.
Fourth: focus on the move to the US. We're down to 104 days until we're home. Wow. It is really going quick.
I'm trying to put cancer aside and enjoy the days. My husband did have to talk me down from a ledge last night when I started worrying about when I'd get the last two chemo treatments, etc. Shall see. He reminded me that worrying and wondering was useless until I see my oncologist in a few weeks.
Hey, there's more hair there!
It is funny to get so excited over hair. But I am. I got a little jolt when I noticed my baby fluff hair on my neck. Loved seeing my eyelashes back in full force. Nose hair? Meh, made me laugh. But having the hair on my head growing back makes me happy. It is odd how it is growing back but I see and feel curls! Hooray hair.
It is starting to hit me how much I will miss Hong Kong. I love the people I work with, they inspire me. I love my librarian friends, they provide such support, love and energy. I adore my Jewish community friends and am heartbroken to leave a community that I feel special and welcomed in... We have other wonderful friends that I'll miss too... Sigh. I know I've missed Oregon for the same reasons plus I miss my family a ridiculous amount but man, I will miss Hong Kong, it has embedded in me and there are so many things I think about on a daily basis that have helped me grow, stay calm, and learn over the past three years. Sigh. Had a good conversation today with my human resources contact who has helped me deal with the insurance nightmare and is quite kind and friendly... She was so relieved when she found out that I'm returning home to a job (I don't know what yet, but I'm hopeful/excited/happy) and that I'll have insurance. Yes, that is a big thing to be reassured by. She also liked that I'd be 5 minutes from my parents house... excited to move back into our old home... Very sweet woman. Appreciate the people that have been there for me and saved me over and over since August '13.
I'm still glancing at my VirtueScope every day. (Helps to have it on the wall next to my side of the bed.) This is my month to focus on "resourceful"... Well, I've always felt that I'm pretty resourceful, but it has been a nice word to think about every morning. As a teacher librarian, I'm all about resources. As a blogger, I feel resourceful when I'm recommending books and websites and such. Hmm. Next month? Dignified. Hmm.
I sat down and counted out weeks. I've worked for 11 weeks now. Without needing to take a sick day. Wow. I didn't think that would be possible. Especially with still going thru chemo treatment in the beginning and all thru the darn radiation and side effects. 11 weeks. 5 1/2 weeks were radiation... After this holiday there will be 11 weeks more of work. Shall see how those weeks treat me. So grateful to my amazing recovering body.
Well, thanks for journeying with me... shall try to post here and there while we're on this trip but never know about internet connectivity.
Hmm.
So I was taking it easy the three days after treatment as usual... been warned to pace myself and that things were cumulative. Well, learned about that today. Fourth day after treatment... Thought I was doing well and for a normal person I guess what my friend Sheli and I did for the day was tiring and I didn't read my signs...
I hit that exhaustion level after 4.5 hours of wonderful adventuring around Hong Kong's Peak, the Gardens (Zoo/Plants) in Mid-Levels and then walking down... We were waiting at the bank and I was happy to finally bring Sheli there after days of missing the bank's open hours... standing in line did me in.
Sheli's gone over my triggers and we've talked about how I need to trust her and her intuition since I'm not reading myself well... she could tell it was time to go home but I was being stubborn after standing in the line at the bank, when I admitted that I was fading we were only three people before it was our turn to be taken care of... by the time I was in front of the teller I was asking for a chair, putting my head down on the counter and then Sheli and a nice guy next to me were catching me as I fell. Ech. Can't believe it happened again. Fainting... Just pushed too long and didn't read the signs. I honestly do black out. Lose a few moments of time. And then when I revive I'm normal, wanting to finish what I was doing and get on with the day. Can't explain better... I certainly needed to go home and take a nap (which we did) and taking a taxi was the order, not choice, which was good since by the time we were going up the elevator to the apartment, I was rapidly fading again.
But besides that, it was wonderful to watch how Sheli experienced riding a double decker bus up to the Peak, tried out a new restaurant, enjoyed beautiful views, rode the Peak Tram down to Central, explored and looked at gorgeous flowers at the gardens, and then walked down for a while... really great company and walking time. Just need to watch and pace things much better. Draining myself and overtaxing the body is not the way to heal. Trust me, I know this. And if I forget, I have many that are reminding me.
Enjoyed Qigong class tonight and chatting with my life coach as well. My life coach pointed out that the antibiotic I'm on for my scalp may also make me susceptable to becoming dizzy... so to be extra careful since that had to be added in this week. On top of getting three drugs this week, earlier treatment, etc...
Still appreciating the videos shared at http://thetruthaboutcancer.com/ -tonight I learned more about natural practices for cancer treatment... some really curious/interesting practices going on around the world...
One glimpse of Hong Kong up at the Peak...
Patient friend Sheli, we were almost at the bank...
Another glimpse of Hong Kong on the Peak.... love the green...
Thanks for journeying with me... still appreciating life's journey, taking it day by day...
Allowed myself down time. Felt good.
Simply rested and relaxed, read and watched shows...
It's been a bit tumultuous here in Hong Kong watching the newsfeeds, kiddo home (bonus), schools closed to students- many colleagues working from home because it isn't easy to get to work with road blocks, trams closed, MTR station closures, etc. My husband has gone into work each day but this week was odd anyways since there's Wednesday and Thursday public holidays and Friday staff training day. So, my son had no school Mon/Tues and won't have school again til next Monday... he isn't complaining. We're lucky to have some of his friends around for distraction and overnight fun.
If you don't know what is going on here, there are a few articles I found helpful about these pro-democracy protests (peaceful and organized, I'm not going out in them- too many germs but am in full support of Hong Kong citizens speaking up for their right to a democratic election instead of what has been decided in Beijing: http://blogs.wsj.com/chinarealtime/2014/09/28/hong-kong-pro-democracy-movement-gets-global-support/
There are many videos and straightforward reporting pieces. Honestly, the tear gas really scared me that first night of protests, made me worry about escalations with rubber bullets, made me think about Tiananmen Square, etc. but it has been peaceful civil disobedience since... Some friends are collecting water, ice packs, umbrellas, and more for the students and adults protesting. Other friends joined in the protests last night and today. There is a beautiful, caring, hopeful community here in Hong Kong and I'm grateful to be a part of it, even though I'm sticking inside and protecting myself from germs, etc.
My sister continually has shared touching, inspirational, and thoughtful posts with me on a daily basis.... and also some yummy recipes! Here's one with multiple recipes that gave me hope for new yummy food solutions: http://bembu.com/homemade-protein-bars
I also appreciated that she sent me two how-to tie a headscarf videos. Both are pretty reasonable and doable... Thank you so much...
and
So... besides protests, family/kiddo time... I've been really quiet the past two days. Sunday was a wonderful day where I was just packed with energy. Monday and Tuesday were both "take the anti-nausea medicine NOW" days... every 4 hours. In the evening on Monday I didn't think I "needed" it and then my body freaked out two hours after I was supposed to take it with shakiness/almost fainting- in my bathroom, not in the MTR thank goodness... so I'm still figuring this all out. I do so hate any kind of medication but as a friend said to me, the fear of throwing up will get you to take that medicine!
Wednesday has brought this public holiday, a wonderful lunch out with friends, no anti-nausea medicine, wonderful phone call with my sister, and family time. Grateful for every minute I have... happy to be doing ok. Not pushing myself.
Watching shows here and there and laughing my way thru things. Decided that going to the Laughter Yoga session today (would have been right when I'm writing this) was a poor decision since it would have me on the MTR for 45 minutes plus taking a mini-bus somewhere over on the Kowloon side of Hong Kong where I'm happy to venture sometimes but I also have a talent for misplacing myself.... so I am hoping that backing out 24 hours in advance was ok and I'm happy to laugh with a funny show instead. I'm also beginning to read and really enjoy a book by Thich Nhat Hanh called You Are Here: Discovering the Magic of the Present Moment... Nice to dive into an adult book about mindfulness. I'm balancing it with a YA fantasy book which has been fun to begin called Keeper of the Realms- Crow's Revenge by Marcus Alexander.... author visit in the spring.
Food-wise, I've added back chicken, still treating it as an appetizer but I can feel the protein hit much faster at times now. Makes me happy to be giving my body what it needed. I pray I don't lose weight this week but will accept whatever comes with this treatment and know I'm trying my best. Plus I'm not having as many upset stomach issues lately... the chinese herbal medicine from my acupuncturist might be working! (I'm trying to be consistent about drinking it...) Plus I'm drinking a tea made from fresh ginger, tumeric, and peppermint tea leaves... that's feeling healthy and balanced. Drinking that one accompanied by water throughout the day. Really keeping my fluid intake up up up.
Creative wise, I had fun with two things- one- I have an art pad to doodle in now... liking that outlet. Also, I picked up yarn and a crochet hook, will be trying that out on Saturday. My husband is coming with me to chemo treatment which will be helpful. He and I love watching movies and shows together. I have 2 drugs coming this week which means around 4 hours or so... as long as everything is fine.
I also tried out something that a friend/former parent at my old school suggested. Using slippery elm bark powder mixed with coconut oil for a lotion/cure-all for my skin. Her directions were: "Mix about 1/4 cup coconut oil with 2-3 tablespoons of slippery elm bark powder and use it as a lotion."
Done. Used. Appreciating physically and mentally.
Still doing that coconut oil pull and mouth rinse throughout the day... anything to protect my mouth and body...
Not sure what my 30 year old self would think about all these extra things I'm doing but I'm glad to have outlets for expressing myself, options for treating myself, and good doctors helping me through this experience. Here's to a better day. Tomorrow is my birthday, 41, oh boy. Many family and friends have asked me what we're doing... my answer was, depends on energy! But I do know the kiddo is going for an overnight fun time with a favorite friend in the afternoon, so I can have date night with my husband! Hoping to get into Jamie Oliver's new restaurant that opened up really close to our apartment and perhaps go see a movie like Mazerunner or something... Love time with my husband. Feel lucky to have these opportunities.
