Thursday, May 7, 2015

Day by day....

I love my dog.... last picture of me BEFORE my hair all fell out.
Allowing my emotions to flow thru these ups and very downs kind of sucks sometimes.
After clumps of hair coming out this morning, I acknowledged that I'm past the thinning stage and going back to the bald stage. Unfair. Sucks. Must I really live through this again? I loved the curls that were finally growing out! Sigh. I know there are many worse things but I do not find the silver lining of having to go bald again after 6 months of bald already and 3 months of seeing hair. Not cool. Like I'm getting teased in a bullying way... but I chose this. Chatted with the kiddo about it and told him I'm willing to deal with hair loss and chemo side effects if in the end I can be with him much longer...
Many of my students asked me if I was ok today. One said I looked sad. Not too many asked 'why' today, but I was ready.
My good friend told me what her friend used as an answer to students: "I took some medicine that makes me lose my hair but it will grow back out."
I've had a few times today when I'm just feeling miserable. Many people kindly avoided pointing out the freaking hat and just led on with normal life, having interesting conversations and being good distractions. I appreciate work distractions so much. I'm certainly aware and recognizing my emotions, but I really don't need to be fixated on them 24x7. It is much better to be working than to be staying at home on my own trying to be healthy and balanced... So much more is accomplished and I just love being around my colleagues and students.
Appreciated snuggling and silent side by side reading with my kiddo. Love when he's lost in a good book.
Loved snuggling and talking life things out with my husband, grateful for our time together...
Also snuggled with my dog for a long long time, to the point where she looked at me with those "mommy, I really want to sleep now" eyes... So, to bed I go.
Got thru this day.

And so wearing hats begins again... At least they have style!

Another day has passed. I was tired and found that old pains that hadn't tortured me in a few weeks had returned. Thoroughly annoying. Did lots of deep breathing and stretching. Think they helped.

Many days ahead.
Will plug my way through each one gently and carefully. Thanks for journeying with me...


  1. Sending you mass quantities of love and hugs and lots of doggie kisses from Xena. You may not feel it but you have the strength of legions, Debbie.

    1. Thank you, strength is helpful... when I'm gentle enough to allow myself to have some. :) Hugs and love your way...

  2. Your inner strength shines through, especially on tough days!

    1. Thank you so much... :) taking things carefully.

  3. Oy and urg and blech, so much challenging you, but you are amazing. Beaming you loverino times 14 zillion. . . .xx

  4. So sorry you're having to deal with this again. At least you make the hats and scarves look gooooooooood!!!! Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Oh, Debbie. I'm so sorry for the physical things you are going through but sometimes those feelings and thoughts are the most challenging to deal with. Lots of good thoughts and KOKO.