So I had a really (stinking) hard day...

Today sucked. Seriously.
Statements first:
1. My mom is a genius.
2. I work with incredible, caring, thoughtful people.
3. I need help when I'm starving and dehydrated.
4. I do not think straight and need help making decisions when I'm starving and dehydrated or simply overwhelmed.
Ok.
I woke up and felt nauseaus..
So I took an anti-nausea pill.
I took a shower and had to lay down afterwards in my closet and then in bed. I wasn't feeling terrific. My husband helped me get dressed. He questioned my determination to go to work.
I thought I could handle it with a drink of protein shake on my way to work.
Not smart, stupid in fact.
I didn't realize how far gone I was. Really.
I got to work driving ok but not swallowing worth a darn, only one sip of protein shake.
I've had trouble swallowing even water the past few days. Seriously. Water. I took a sip of water last night and leaned over to do something and felt the water come right back up.
So... I haven't been drinking well or eating at all for a few days. It took me 3.5 hours last night to drink a mug of bone broth.
Today it really hit me.
I walked up the 10 stairs to get into my school and felt light headed. Wasn't sure what to do.
Walked down the hall. Started to have a ringing in my ears.
Saw a lovely coworker and asked her to help me with my heavy 2nd bag and told her I thought I might blackout. Got to the library office and promptly laid down on the floor at the back of the office. Knew I wasn't doing well. Scared and worried many people.
Some lovely people insisted that I come to the sick room to lay down on a more comfortable bed. I started hearing the fuzz in my ears and got dizzy on the way to the office. Sigh. Two people walked me there.
It helped to lay down. One person after another sat with me and talked.
Reminded me that work will go on and I should go home.
I surely didn't disagree but had a hard time letting go.
One person took control. Cancelled the classes I was meant to visit, told me that two people would be helping me get home with my car so that I didn't have to worry about it. I cried. So grateful. I was just worrying about how to get home and deal with the car.
I was driven home by a beautiful coworker who helped distract me the whole time with easy conversation and another wonderful person followed us.

I'm taking Thursday and Friday off.

My mom came over and flat out told me: "Debbie, I thought about it on the drive over. You are terribly dehydrated and the pain is out of control. You must get fluids in you with an IV, call the dr. now."
I called 3 doctors, ended up going to my new oncologist's office. So grateful I did.
1. I now have immunotherapy scheduled for the first time this Friday, no worries about my condition. "Debbie, you are not in a wheelchair with a breathing machine, you're fine to get Nivolumab. Oh hallelujah.
2. The nurse helped me understand about feeding tubes more. I'm over my fears and concerns and stubborness. A friend told me today "sometimes stubborness can be your worst enemy."
3. The nurse helped me get over fears of pain medication.

I got pumped with loads of liquid, it took over 2 hours and 30 minutes to get the two huge sacks of liquid into me. They also gave me a small amount of pain medicine which helped me...
I started feeling a tiny bit better around 45 minutes in... started feeling more human after 1.5 hours. Wow was I dehydrated. I now know that you lose a lot of weight when you're dehydrated. I weighed in at 114 pounds. Started crying when I saw that until I was told about dehydration impacting weight... sigh.

Pain is still there. A little more dull. But shall see with the help of the immunotherapy on Friday. Shall see about the feeding tube. I'm hoping it will be placed tomorrow but I'm aware it is a long shot.

I had an explanation about things that wasn't wonderful to hear but I now understand a bit more about my esophogus... so the specialist last week brought  this up but I didn't understand very well... there is space in my esophogus to swallow. The specialist and the dr both think that it is motility vs mechanics. This means nerve damage (possibly from that last round of radiation in the area) might be affecting my ability to swallow vs. tumors pushing... which means I might have trouble swallowing for a long while even after tumors shrink.
So... good thing to get the feeding tube. The struggle and pain I go thru swallowing presently sucks. Shall see.

So I'm home. Still struggling to swallow. Still dealing with pain but feeling immensely relieved to simply have things a tiny bit sorted and not completely feel like junk. So frustrating to me.
Letting go.

Not the most positive post but got thru this cruddy day with my mom monitoring and helping me out, my dad taking care of kiddo after school, amazing coworkers sending me messages and support, and more...
Very glad to be home. Resting. Looking forward to immunotherapy... my poor veins... but I have a lot of hope.
Thanks for journeying with me...

Birthday and Pacing Myself

Lovely yoga time with my friend.
Special entrance to the fitness club.

Well. Already wrote this post and everything was lost... rewriting is a little brief.
Days have flown by.

Birthday treat.

I'm alive.
I'm swallowing food, mostly, mornings are hard but by dinner I'm doing better. Couldn't swallow my supplements this morning.
Today was a little challenging.
My body reminded me to stop. right. now. today when I went to a conference.
I enjoyed a morning workshop, presented about creating a reading classroom community and booktalked 70+ books in 55 minutes, and then I enjoyed watching wonderful authors receive book awards and share wonderful thoughts... After an hour, sitting in a chair was not agreeing with me. Very frustrating. I got up while the keynote speaker shared. No resolving pain or exhaustion. Went and found a couch on the other side of the building. Laid down. Took about an hour to feel ok. A catering staff person brought me water. Another person asked if they could call anyone. Then they gave me lunch early... I ate a little bit and felt a tiny bit better.

Special birthday flowers from a friend.

Special birthday flowers from family.

Went and said hi to a few beloved authors and quickly got in my car and drove home. Felt strong enough and wasn't in as much pain/exhaustion by that time. Rested pretty much the rest of the day.
Got thru the past 9 days ok. On Monday I saw a genetic counselor (mostly a waste of my time, useful for my family hopefully) and also my naturopathic dr. He didn't have much to suggest for me with the swallowing and such, just wants me to get to another oncologist to get a second opinion, that's happening in a few weeks.
Enjoyed work even with training interruptions. Appreciating not just being a cancer patient there. I'm a valued staff member. Most of my coworkers know how I am with the medical situation but they don't dig too much, just a good caring group. Love that kids are smiling when I come in the room now to teach... Also appreciated a birthday serenade from a class of first graders- good friend made sure people knew it was by birthday... I shared it with anyone I was walking around with, never been one to be quiet about celebrating my birthday.

Birthday dinner time with my love.

Enjoyed family dinner time. Went to Pastini's and actually ate everything on my plate. Including tiramisu cake...
The next week is full of medical stuff.
I'm seeing a radiation specialist on Tuesday and Thursday I see a gastro-enterologist and oncologist. Then Friday I get Avastin again.
Still learning how to read my body and be patient with myself... since my body seems to be changing, I feel a bit unpredictable.

Love my present from a former student who runs Cranes of Hope.
Lovely blessing for my car.

Thanks for journeying with me as always...